A Journey in Search of Inner Silence

 

DEDICATION

-to my mother who single- handed brought up a family of six- two girls and four boys and made them all respectable  citizens and devout Buddhists.

and

-To the memory of my brothers and sisters who are no more and to the brother suffering from ill health, all of them who always  stood united in sadness, and in happiness.

INTRODUCTION

“A Journey In Search of Inner Silence”,  is the initial writing of an article on Noise.    Though silence is primarily an escape from noise, in a spiritual sense there is more to it than meets the eye. It is the  search of peace of mind  in a world  which is by nature inundated by noises of all sorts such as the cries of  pain, cries of hunger, cries of injustice, cries of intolerance,  cries of rape and mutilation, and  cries inflicted by the strong on the feeble.

But in  “ A Journey In Search of Inner Silence” I do not seek to treat my philosophical understanding of  silence opposed to noise.  The book is composed of several of my writings, notes taken at different occasions, which had been woven into the fabric of the story of my own life as memories of what I loved, those whom I loved, my pathos of what I could not do, and my gratitude to those who contributed to make me what I am today at eighty years.

Though most of those I had the privilege to meet during the course of my “Journey” until now are no more, I have often left out the prefix “the late” when making reference to them by name  as they will continue to live in my memory until it is my turn to depart and  be one to be remembered by those who may care.

In what represents the story of my life, I have left out much as I did not want the book to be an autobiography, nor do I include in it the injustices, discriminations, rejections, injuries and insults that I had been made to suffer through out my life by my own people, and  those who are foreign to me  by colour , race, religion and language.

I have also left out many of those people I met in my long journey, who loved me, gave me their affection, friendship, their respect, trust  and confidence, some through relationship, friendship, or knowing me, and others even without knowing me, or without seeing me, knowing me only from what I have written.

But when I finally understood what  silence is and where it has to be searched, I understood that every thing that made me initially  angry, hurtful, and sad were mere emotions which have no substance, which hurts only when we build a self  from “mind and matter” when there is none but an impermanent  physical form and an imperceptible constantly changing mind.

Finally it was meditation that gave me a clue to understand the Inner Silence, which I searched as an elusive phenomenon. I have given  details of my daily practice in meditation retreats to show how I had to overcome mental conflicts, the need to be  regular and perseverant to benefit from meditation and perhaps attain someday the unattainable Inner Silence .  

        My training grounds in meditation were, first my contact with an exceptionally kind and compassionate being who was my friend Godwin Samararatne, who introduced me to meditation, invited me to follow retreats at  the Nilambe Meditation Centre, and then the Pallekelle Devenapethis Samatha Vipassana Meditation Centre.

It was finally the practical experience in Meditation that gave me glimpses into Inner Silence, which made me understand that in reality my journey in search of Inner Silence which took me to meditation  is the only means to find  the Absolute Silence which in Buddhist terms is Nibbana.                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                    

Charles.S.Perera

01January,2013

53 rue du Petit Pont,

93220 Gagny

France

e-mail : perera.charles@gmail.com

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I have  published two books, and I have done all of it on my own, that is  writing , editing and preparing  them for publishing.  It gave me great pleasure even though the books may not have had a great  impact on a reading public.  My writing is simple and therefore accessible to all, it does not claim academic prowess. 

I wrote because I thought I had some thing to say and writing them was a gratifying  experience. I also received encouragement for writing a book from number of comments to my posts in various internet Buddhist forums, of which I give two  below:

(i) Dear Hasituppada (my pseudonym for the Yahoo Group)

I appreciate what you are saying here. I understood your post on thoughts as mind-objects was about experience, not intellectual learning or reasoning. Because you wrote in response to my problems with thoughts in meditation, I was ready to hear what you had to say. This turned out very fruitful for me- I heard your meaning and experienced it for myself (just a little bit, but enough to realize the importance of it.) Your language was well-suited to helping me and there was no confusion about it for me. It can be nice to go back and express things in correct Abhidhamma language, but that has nothing to do with the help you gave me. I hope you will continue to share your experiences like this. If I have an intellectual question about the Dhamma there are many people who can help me answer it. To me that is “good Dhamma.” But there are not many people like yourself who have penetrated the Dhamma in experience and who will share it to help others get there too. To me that is “best Dhamma.”

With Metta, Toby:torloff87048- 26.3.2004–(Message No. 417 in  Journey to Nibbana Yahoo Group)

(ii) Friend Charles,

I think this is healthy discussion. I don’t think any of us need to feel sad or embarrassed. I think this is human interaction that is good. …….Charles I meant nothing more than to explain my feelings to the group. There is no right nor wrong, just “isness”.

 By the way you have a fantastic writing form. I will buy your book if you print it in English, thank you very much for your recent contributions, I have enjoyed reading them.  

This is a great gift to write well! thank you for sharing it with us. ……… 

Ryan Harrison 23.10.2011 – (Message No.16181 SariputtaDhamma Group-Yahoo)

I wrote after retirement, as along with  retirement came loads of  leisure and I knew that I had to learn to manage that without allowing myself to suffer from boredom and psychological problems coming along with it.  Therefore the writing of  these books was a means to manage that extra load of leisure.

Whatever life these books were to have  writing them gave me considerable satisfaction.

But the strength for such strenuous mental work in writing books must have had a beginning some where in my long journey from childhood, without speaking of  “previous life habits”.  I therefore think of those who interacted  with me through out my life at different points of entry to encourage me  and strengthen me to a mental development which paved the  way to artistic and literary pursuits in the latter part of my life. 

I think of some who would represent the  many I had met, who contributed to my  formation as an artist, and then  a writer.

I thank the Head Teacher of the  K/Yatirawana Sinhala School, Wattegama the  Late Mr. K.B. Ranatunga for his affection, who singled me out for my artistic talents when I was still a little boy of 7 or 8, or perhaps less.

And then to the late Venerable Narada Thero who at the end of a sermon at the same School gave me a present of a little book  on Buddhism for asking him a question when I was about 10 years old.

I  extend my respectful gratitude to the learned monks , and other Buddhist lay men and women who enhanced my devotion to Buddhism:

the  late Venerable Amata Gavesi, and  all those Venerable Nuns (Manios) at Pallekelle  Samatha Vipassana Meditation Centre,

The Late Venerable Walpola Rahula who I met in Paris,

My Friends who treated me with great affection and lead me on the path to learn more about the teachings of the Buddha- Late Godwin Samararatne, Late Parakrama Niyangoda,  Late Amarasiri Weeraratne , Late Leo Devendra, and a very old friend from my school days Victor Yatawara.

My  colleagues at work who became my dear friends, and encouraged  me  and continue to encourage me in all my efforts both as an artist, and then as a writer

Ms. Aruna Patel, Ms.Helen Benjamin-Till, Ms.Mariam Amijee, and Claudine Delaunay who showed me how to use pastels to paint pictures.

My friend Mahendra Mapagunaratne I have not met, but stimulated my Buddhist religious fervour asking me questions on various aspects of Buddhism.

My friend Manohar Radhamano and his dear wife from Jaffna,  who accepted me as a dear friend only by reading what I had written to Lankaweb in the Internet before even meeting me, and for receiving me with great affection when I visited him in Jaffna.

My dear Friends Late Wesley Muthiah, and his wife Tencey for their affection, and generosity,

My wife Annie for accepting me for what I am,

My son Lalith  who loves me  as much as he appreciates my literary and artistic  pursuits, and for my courage and tenacity, and undemanding affection.

My family in Sri Lanka, who contributed in various ways to make me happy and looks after me when ever I am in Sri Lanka, and specially Suranga who attends to all my wants. Asala ,  who takes a great pleasure in taking care of me, whenever I visit her. Ranjika, my niece a science teacher, who tells me that Buddhist teachings and science have no conflict.

And  then  Mr.Duminda Tennakoon of Sampath Publishers, who undertook the type setting of this book and the excellent work he did in this respect.

Then for the  typing errors, verbs left out, or irrelevant adjectives are the result of my single handed effort, weak eye sight, and rheumatic fingers, for which I ask the readers to pardon me !!!

Charles.S.Perera

1 January, 2013                                                                                                                 

53 rue du Petit Pont,

93220 Gagny,

France.

e-mail : perera.charles@gmail.com

CONTENTS

CHAPTER   ONE        

●  Noise and its Opposite the Silence

●  What is Noise

● Getting to Know Silence

● Silence in a Near death Experience

CHAPTER  TWO             

● Becoming alive to Inner Silence

CHAPTER THREE        

● Migration to London

● Meditating  at Nilambe  Meditation Centre

CHAPTER  FOUR          

● At the Nilambe Meditation Centre for another

    search for the evasive Inner Silence

CHAPTER  FIVE             

● Amoung the Faithful

CHAPTER SIX    

● Introducing my brother to Meditation

CHAPTER SEVEN         

● Enlightenment the greater search for Inner Silence.

● Zen Buddhism searches the core of the teachings

    shedding its  outer shell

CHAPTER ONE

Noise and its opposite the silence

The search of an inner silence begins as a necessary alternative to the  absence of an exterior silence.  The absence of an exterior silence is the presence of its opposite –the Noise which also conceals the inner silence. Therefore to understand the reason for the search of an inner-silence we have to understand what is Noise , which is outside.

WHAT IS NOISE ?

The civilisation of science and technology has created a society of material comfort in the north, leaving the south the under developed half of the world decades behind it.  However, material comfort of the North has not contributed to its happiness. It is in this context that one realises, that the underdevelopment after all, has its own blessings, because in the south lesser material comfort gives greater mental comfort.

The people of the poor developing  countries, dreaming of the material comfort of the richer half do not realise , until some one comes around looking for it, the value of their own cultural heritage, which is a wealth far greater than the material comfort of the North derived from its science and technological development.

The development has forestalled in the developed countries the affluence of the developing countries, which is being more human, understanding life as an impermanent phenomenon, and how in that knowledge living becomes more meaningful.

Lacking that wealth of knowledge is the price the north has paid for its material development. Natural environment has receded giving place to artificiality of concrete structures, pollution, nuclear waste, animal diseases, drug, violence, most unethical commercial tactics in production and distribution of items of food, sex in its most debased form, and immorality at all levels, endanger the social structure of the developed West and the psychological well-being of its people.

The emphasis is on wealth and physical comfort above every thing else. Being seekers of modernity, and material comfort, spiritual values are out of fashion, left for the aged and the feeble. Physical fitness has taken abnormal dimensions and the mental development has been thrown into the back yard.  All human action has become mechanical directed towards the one objective of satisfying the ‘self’ ‘me’ ‘I’.

There is an untiring  effort  to improve the quality of material life, physical form, health , beauty, sex, music, dance, holiday resorts and voyages. To overcome the physical deterioration after middle age, or set right nature's failure to give the body more attractive elegance, there are aesthetic surgical operations.

Yet, all these luxurious innovations have failed to give  the  developed West the complete satisfaction in its comfortable existence. Therefore, there are those who give up every thing to join innumerable sects  of doubtful objectives in their search for the still unidentified missing element.  The fruit of the industrial revolution of the North did not reach the under developed South, as much as the wisdom of the  South did not reach the industrialised North.

Disenchanted with the existing order  the  generation of the fifties revolted and the Beatles, Sitar Music, Hippies and pilgrimage to Kathmandu, became the setting for the children of the new age to search  the unattainable missing ‘element’ which  despite the wealth, comfort and affluence they seem to have missed. This search was a mixed-up experiment in music, LSD, religion, love and free sex, culminating in the appearance of Hare Krishna movement.

Soon all that is Indian became a vogue, a way of life, a target to attain. Yoga and meditation were the new discoveries.  Meditation was scientifically investigated  to find out what happens to the mind in deep meditation.  They experimented with drugs  to arrive at a state equivalent to a deep meditation. 

Then every one became body conscious, women wanted to be thin and a food cult  grew, the weight watchers, mud baths,  hot-water swimming pools, and aqua therapy, even plastic surgery to have big perky breasts, and all that one could think of to make the body beautiful, supple, attractive and sexy.  Holidays were not complete without yoga exercises in the morning. 

The adventurous youth went to Hindu ashrams in India and came back as specialised instructors in Yoga, to be  sought after by various holiday resorts as animators in physical fitness.  They did yoga in spacious halls, in open spaces, in the forests, in the swimming pools, and even in the sea. Yoga was adopted for painless childbirth.

Despite all these incursions into eastern philosophy, yoga and spirituality, new medicines were put into the market to cope with stress, overcome depression and calm nervous tension. It is apparent that the phenomenal material growth, and the development of science and technology did not contribute to mental happiness, and  a calm and serene existence of the people. The technological development has more or less  become a trap, a sort of  magic circle into which if you  walk in, you cannot walk out. 

These inventions and technology have no doubt brought a higher living standard, but the problems they have created are inextricably woven into the fabric of existence. Atmospheric pollution, nuclear waste, artificial additives to food, all doubtful methods used in food production, obesity, alcoholism, deterioration of moral standards, readiness to take up arms to destroy and kill, sexual infidelity, child sex etc., are but a few of the many ills the development has brought in its wake.

Too many things happened too quickly and the human mind was not prepared for these changes.  If there had been a thoughtful planning of development, including a preparation of  the human mind to accept  these sudden changes taking place in the wake of the development of science and technology, the problems the European countries  are faced with to-day may have been  averted. 

But unfortunately, these same mistakes are still continued without foreseeing their outcome. The ‘internet’ which was launched with great expectations, has turned out to be a Pandora’s box. Human cloning  will  in turn  be another nightmare, attempt to replace hard drugs by introducing soft drugs may have disastrous results. Moral standards are falling where the  children do not respect their parents, nor parents their children.  The teachers face their students with fear. The children  commit murder.

In the mean time all types of pollution, destabilise the  growth in all its aspect, causing physical and psychological problems to the human beings.  Of all the  pollutions  one can imagine in the developed countries, noise is considered the foremost. 

The most disastrous of recent inventions  is the portable telephone. They talk on the telephone in buses, trains, quite unconcerned about those around. They talk while jogging, walking, cycling and driving. They talk in restaurants, cinemas, toilets and bathrooms. They listen less, and  talk more and more.

Hence the noise affects every individual, and the  enthusiasm of the children of the new age having flagged, interest has been renewed  in the search for silence. Among the religious and non religious sects and cults that have sprung up, the presence of Dalai Lama, more than a religious leader, but as a victim of the Chinese Communism attracted attention towards him. 

But the personality of Dalai Lama was forceful enough to change the attitude of  sympathy to one of admiration of his loving kindness and serenity to the extent of accepting him as the symbol of the religion he professed.  Many religious centres aiming to propagate inner silence became popular.  In the distress caused by noise people of the developed countries seek peace and silence.  But the noise  continues to pollute the living atmosphere.

Let us look further into the problem of noise and its different aspects to understand whether there is a way  to accommodate  noise, so that man may learn to  cohabit with it.

Going back to the very beginning the scientists estimate that fifteen to twenty billion years ago there was a big  explosion. The Universe compressed into a   ball of fire exploded and the ejected debris is the Universe. The scientists call this explosion the big bang.  But opposed to this is the  steady-state theory according to which  the Universe which has no origin, expands due to continually  accumulated new matter. However, the big bang theory is accepted by the scientists as being the most plausible answer to the beginning of the  planetary system..

The Universe it-self having begun with a colossal bang, the noise  continues to be  a part of the human environment.

The primitive man  was bedevilled by the noise that surrounded him -the clapping of thunder, blowing of wind, falling of rain , eruption of volcanoes, roar of big monsters and the cry of smaller animals.  Though these noises may have been frightful, they also served him to take shelter in face of danger signalled by the sounds they came to understand, or find food by hunting smaller animals recognising them from their cries.

Gradually as man began to settle down and  learnt to live in groups  they learnt also to live with the noises around them. Then, how is it that the noise with which the Universe made its appearance and the man from his beginning  learnt to live with has to-day become a major item of pollution ?

The growth of townships into cities, increase of population and the continuous development of technology, are  the principal causes of noise becoming an intolerable nuisance to the inhabitants, causing them both physical and psychological problems. “From the beginning of history man lived in a world of sound, but had to await the industrial revolution of the 18th Century and the development of machines to speak of it as a pollution” 1

The noise is measured  in decibels.  According to this Scale of Sound, a light wind at a sound scale of 20 decibels is classed restful,  a calm office room  at 50 decibels  as disturbing, a busy street at 65 decibels or a bark of a dog at 80 decibels as tiring, a school restaurant at 90 decibels or a pneumatic drill pounding away  at 95 decibel as dangerous, and  105decibles in a discotheque or  at 120 decibels  a reactor of a air-plane, as painful.

A  sound measurement of  15 to 20 decibels  is not considered a noise.  A noise  measured at 120 decibels on the other hand can cause considerable damage to ears, by rupture of the ear drum and dislocation of the ossicles of the ears.  The high sound of an explosion may cause irreversible damage to ears.  Exposition to repeated or continuous intense noise  can reduce permanently the sharpness of hearing.  Exposure to an intense noise for a long period of time causes temporary  loss of hearing making one unable to hear for some time a conversation in normal voice.  Repeated exposition to a noise above  80 decibels can damage certain cells causing acoustic  trauma . 

A long exposure to a feeble noise may  be more traumatic than intermittent exposure to higher noise scales. The consequences of noise on health other than the damage caused to the auditory system cannot be determined, as effect of noise may differ from  one individual to another.  Each person is born with an individual strategy of adoption to its environment.  Therefore the same noise which is pleasant and tolerable to one may be unpleasant and intolerable to another.  Even the degree of discomfort caused by noise is subjective, and  the effect it has on health  has to be objectively evaluated. The factor  that causes irritation and intolerance is the repetitive character of a noise and the inability to control it.

According to research,  it has been found that the individuals are more perturbed by  noise in the immediate neighbourhood even at a feeble intensity of 40 decibels, while the noise intensity exceeds 80 decibels in their places of work. This is more a psychological factor that results from intolerance of, or prejudice against those who make the noise. 

There is a story of  a person  who was meditating, and  was unable to continue as  he was disturbed by the walking of the occupant in the apartment above him.  He tried all he could to overcome the disturbance and concentrate his mind.  He was getting angry despite his attempts to meditate.  He decided to confront the noisy neighbour and to request him to be a little more concerned about the other occupants of the building and make less noise. 

He went  upstairs and knocked on the door.  There was silence for a moment  and the door opened. He was face to face  with his noisy neighbour who was to his amazement none other than his own teacher.  He saluted him and told him that he did not know that he was living there and told him how happy he is that his teacher is living in the apartment above him.  He came back and sat to meditate.   He was happy to hear the footsteps of his teacher on the floorboards of the apartment above him and he meditated in peaceful concentration !

It has been found that the sensibility to noise is often among the well-to-do, than among other social groups.   In France a study had been made to determine the extent of the effect of noise on the health of the individuals other than its effect on the auditory system by an inquest  among the residents living in areas close to air-ports. It revealed that there was an increase of demand for medical treatment  for arterial tension, an increased number of consultation of psychiatrists, hospitalisations,  an increased  sale of tranquillisers, sleeping pills and ear plugs parallel to the increase of noise than in the areas comparatively calm.  From  observations made  on the behaviour of patients requiring treatment, whether noise is recognised as a cause of it or not, it has been concluded that it is nonetheless a danger to the people living in  high noise zones.

          Noise is undoubtedly the most stressful. It cannot however be disassociated from other environmental factors of an individual.  Researchers on the subject of stress  have identified 43  causes leading to the phenomena of stress….. loss of a spouse, a divorce, a family conflict, loss of employment etc., the conclusion is that, these factors  combine to make noise most unbearable, leading to a state of depression and melancholy.  But reaction may be tolerant or intolerant   according to each individual’s habits, hereditary factors or inborn characteristics.

           Yet, comfort, tranquillity and serenity will not adopt to absence of noise.  Man, as much as he had been conceived in noise, has grown up and then born into a world  of noise.  For long it had been believed that the foetus in its embryonic stage immersed in the amniotic sac was in complete silence. But now it is known that though the amniotic fluid covers the cavity of the ears  there is no air to muffle the external sounds, as in the case of  a diver in the water.  Therefore, the amniotic fluid serves as a conductor of sound. 

           The ears of the foetus begin to function in the fourth month after conception.  “ To a great extent  the foetus can probably hear the mother’s  voice.  The rumbling of her stomach and the sounds she makes in eating and drinking.  We also know  that it hears  sounds outside her body.  The cries of brothers and sisters, talk, radio, TV, music, motor traffic-the foetus hears all this and gets used to noise.  It makes sense to protect the foetus or a new born from sudden very loud sounds, but one need not worry about the wailing  in the new born nursery.  And there is no need to be fussy  about silence when the baby is going to sleep.  A new born is already used to an environment  which is not silent.” 2 

           In these   circumstances, what has made noise so unbearable to make people want to run away from it ?  Going on vacation to rest and  put behind the  extravagance of noise is impossible as it is falling again into a different environment of noise- holiday noises.  

          The hotels from morning till well past midnight  are geared to keep all occupants happy engaging themselves in all noise creating activity. The swimming pool with laughter, screams, splashing of water , radios, shouting of children, is far from being restful. The cafeteria is a cacophony of sounds.  The evening dancing  music, singing and talking goes on until  the small hours of the morning.  Under  these circumstances to get away from noise and find silence and calm is an impossible exercise, if not a difficult  one.

           In a lonely house on a hill miles away from human habitation, with all undesirable noises left behind, the silence is more real. The sounds of nature are more acceptable,  the twittering of birds, the chirp of a grasshopper, croak of  a tree frog, a grunt of a wild boar drawn towards the lonely home by the smell of food, the night winds swishing through the pinewoods, cry of an unknown wild animal, a wild fowl awakened by the slithering of a reptile or the stalking of an animal of prey.  These are comparatively more acceptable noises, even though, there may be an element of fear, compared to the tooting of  horns, clickety-clack of trains, incessant music, machines at road works, work at building sites, telephones, and what-not. Apart from this  can there be a real silence ?

Man is a biological product of his environment, and noise constitutes part of his physical and psychophysical make up, and noise is an essential element for his comfort, mental stability and harmony of life. Therefore, he cannot exist in a hermetically closed environment where the external noise does not penetrate to disturb him.  On the growth of a foetus in the mother's womb it is said :

 “ ….this noise  of the world exterior  will have a great influence on the later life of the child.    During the primary years of a child’s life the sounds around him are a determinant factor for the development of the ear and for the general  stability of the individual. That is why  it has to  be emphasised to future mothers and those around them, that as a primary security for the developing ears of the foetus from the first month of  its conception  avoid noise of an accentuated intensity and  excessive multiple sounds.  But do not through misguided zeal stop all sounds of life.  A permanent silence will hamper the auditory development..”3

How can then, these outside noises, later on in our lives, disturb us, causing stress, fear and nervous tension ?  Can silence  the opposite of noise help man to overcome his psycho-physical problems  caused by the noisy environment, and live in peace and serenity ?

 GETTING TO KNOW SILENCE

“Besides the noise, does one know how to  put up with the world of silence, with that silence of the interior-the state of peace that one allows to body and mind ?  Is not one always trying to accommodate guidelines  imposed by the society ? Is it really necessary to have music to accompany one’s meal or the daily dose of television to relax with or an avalanche of decibels to go into ruptures ?………..to give time to live with oneself  is more difficult…….It is necessary to chase noise to have peace,  to  extend one’s silence is to have access to serenity” 4

The dictionary definition of silence is, absence of  sound, stillness.   Can we find calm and peace if all external noises are turned off, living, for instance in an  hermetically closed environment ?  I  do not think so, as it is contrary to our nature.   But suppose for the sake of argument, we were to live in such an environment (with plenty of oxygen !) , completely cut away from the nuisance of noise, what will happen ?  We would undoubtedly be submerged in emotions of stress, fear, regrets, anger loneliness and melancholia, a psychological reaction to absence of  noise.

But this does not seem to have happened in a recent experiment carried out by Russian Academy of Sciences Institute of Biomedical Problems - the Mars 500, a team of six men international crew was kept for 18 months in an isolation experiment simulating a manned flight to Mars intended to yield valuable psychological and medical data on the effect of long term isolation. The men may have difficulty in sudden exposure to noise after their 500 day isolation in a cell without windows, cut away from noises outside.  But these men were however not completely isolated as they had been allowed to communicate with the scientists outside the cell. But the real problems if there were any are yet to be communicated.

However, in a forced hermetically enclosed environment of silence, we may suddenly be aware that in this unbearable silence we are not alone.

There is a noise, a chatter,  coming  from some where within us, to which we usually do not pay attention, preoccupied as we are by the noises coming from outside. These are the verbalised thoughts that rise in our minds. If you watch this mind, which, “is not a thing but a capacity based on the memory and the….energy or thought force behind it.” 5, which “…lies out side the realm of physical world (and) cannot be submitted to a chemical test; it has neither size, shape, dimension, nor bulk.  It is invisible, intangible and as such cannot be discerned by the five senses.  It is not under the control of other factors, but is master of them. “And it must be clearly understood that mind is not an everlasting spirit in the form of a ‘Self’ or ‘Soul’ or an Ego-entity.  It is neither a spirit opposed to matter nor a projection, an offspring of matter.” 6, which “ ……cannot be found within, or outside, or between. ….is formless, invisible, intangible, inconceivable, without support, without abode….” 7 but it continues a ceaseless chatter.

 All thoughts  arise  in the mind with the six sense faculties as base : the faculty  that feels-the body, the faculty that hears- the ears, the faculty that smells –the nose, the faculty that tastes- the mouth, the faculty that sees- the eyes and the faculty that thinks-the mind. The moment any external object comes in contact with the respective sense faculty it is transmitted to the mind-the consciousness, which converts it into thoughts, either wholesome, or unwholesome thoughts (good or bad thoughts).   When the mind gets to the point of over-flowing with this constant waves of thoughts one following the other it reacts.  It is this reaction of the mind to this abundance of thoughts that causes the rising of stress, tension, fear, anger etc.

These thoughts often mentally verbalised are called discursive thoughts.  They cause a “noisy internal environment” which makes the external noises still more unbearable. The real silence- the silence within, is therefore a mind that sees the rising of thoughts without reaction, without verbalising.  Such a mind will not be disturbed by external noises nor will it, once developed to be ‘constantly mindful’ create noises within.

You may have noticed that when you are really absorbed watching an interesting film in the television, watching a match of foot ball, reading a really interesting book, painting or listening to a piano concerto of Mozart, a string quartet of Beethoven, you will not be disturbed by the dogs barking, children crying, or even the food burning in the kitchen stove.  That is because your mind was concentrated on watching the match, reading the book, painting or listening to music. That is to say that the mind has for the moment stopped from jumping from one thought to another and the neighbourhood noises had receded into the background.

“Another aid for deep meditation is silence.  We don’t often get a good look at what’s happening in our minds because talking distracts our attention and dissipates our energy. Much of the energy that is conserved by not talking can be used for the development of awareness and mindfulness. As with the meditation practice itself, silence too should be easy and relaxed. This does not mean talking when you want to, but just relaxing into silence, going through the day quietly aware.  By keeping silence, the whole range of mental and physical activity will become extremely clear; verbal silence makes possible a deeper silence of mind.” 8 

Is it possible in the modern world now with “portable telephones” to add to the disturbing cacophony of noises?

However, to listen mentally to the inner voice you will have to watch the mind with utmost concentration. To do this find a place where there is the least disturbance from external noises, in the forest, under a tree or an abandoned house or a place in your own home where you can have a little privacy and undisturbed quietness.  Sit cross legged with your back straight hands lightly on the lap one over the other and anchor your mind to the in-breadth and out- breadth as it enters the nostrils; and exits from the nostrils.

What was just described, is Buddhist meditation –bhavana, the mindful-awareness of "in and out breath". This mindful-awareness can be extended to every action of the day thus allowing the mind to be present always here and now without wandering away.   The word bhavana is a Pali word, in a language spoken in India more than 2500 years ago.  Bhavana does not really mean meditation.  The word  “ Meditate” is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as, plan mentally, design , exercise the mind in contemplation, but none of these definitions describe  the Pali word bhavana, which has a more profound meaning , which defies the conceptual words.

“The word meditation really is no equivalent to the Buddhist term bhavana, which literally means ‘development’ or ‘culture’ i.e. development of mind or culture of mind. Bhavana, in Buddhism means cultivation in the true sense of the word.  It is the removal of all evil and unwholesome mental factors, and developing or cultivating  all good and wholesome mental factors in order  to produce  a calm, concentrated mind that sees the true nature  of all  phenomenal things and realises Nirvana, the supreme security from bondage” 9

Here again the definition of bhavana needs further clarity.   In fact in bhavana-there is no suppression or removal of unwholesome and evil thoughts.  But it is a mere observation or being aware of the rising and disappearing of all thoughts, without choosing the good or wholesome thoughts and leaving out the bad or unwholesome thoughts. The purpose is to slow down  this endless process of rising and falling away of thoughts, so that there will be an “empty space” between each falling away thought and the rising of the next and gradually  expand  this “empty space”…to allow the  mind to  enter into deep concentration.

It is not intended to go into detail of this process as this book is not on practice of meditation.  In fact the bookshops all over the world have their stock of manuals written by those who are qualified on the subject.   Mine is an attempt at recording the path I traversed in search of this inner silence, which intrigued me at the beginning, but brought some sort of comfort and enabled me to find a certain peace of mind.  I record it as an experience in which I found unbounded satisfaction of being immersed in an inexplicably soothing silence, absolutely calm, serene and peaceful- a pure nothingness.  It has to be experienced to understand. This is in a way an invitation for the reader to try it out to experience it himself.

It may sound strange, but this process of inner silence, makes it easier to put up with the noises from outside which at the beginning of the Chapter we examined as a major factor of nuisance in the modern materially developed societies causing both psychological, and physical problems. The noise will continue, but the silent mind will perceive it not as a disturbing element but as mere “sound”.   Seeing thus the mind will have space to accommodate it, without making it a psychophysical problem. At a deeper level there would be a fusion of the silence of the mind and the noise exterior. Then there would be no conflict.

In speaking of silence there are certain incidents in life where one sees a different aspect of silence.  The death itself is a silent process.  There is also silence where a person is in a coma. Is there silence in sleep? There could be silence in sleep if not for dreams and physical discomfort causing a sleeping person to make noises. 

There are other  strange incidences  of silence where a patient declared clinically dead with a cardiac arrest comes back to life, and relates what happened during the short time the doctors had declared the patient clinically  dead.  These are called Near Death Experiences.

Dr.Raymond Moody10 in his book "Life after Life, Reflections of Life after Life", wrote about some of his patients who could recollect what happened when they were declared clinically dead but came back to life in an interval of a few minutes.

The problem with these Near Death Experiences is the difficulty the "patient» has to put into appropriate words his  experience  during the  period he was declared clinically dead, and the moment of his return  to life.

What was experienced has no resemblance to any thing a person who has not gone through it could imagine.  Every word we use to describe an incident in life is generally accepted or known and any one listening to the description of an event could therefore imagine it as described.  But it is not the same with a “patient” who returns to life after a clinical death.

His is an “out of this world” experience. Therefore the words used in every day life are inadequate to describe his experience to a person who had not himself experienced it. Hence in describing the “event” in every day speech, he distorts his real experience.

When he describes a light, or if he says he saw a beautiful landscape, those images are not similar to what we would imagine from the words he uses to describe it. He may be influenced by his religious background, and say that he was in the presence of Jesus, Allah, Buddha or Brahma the creator.  But the “patient”  will only be using words (concepts) he generally uses  for others to understand his  experience, but the actual experience is different, even the “ light” is merely an all embracing luminosity, neither yellow nor white, neither bright nor dim.

There was another book on the subject that came out recently, “ Return from Tomorrow” by Dr. George G.Richie 11, where Dr. Richie was clinically dead for 9 long minutes and describes his "experience" during the period.  A very pertinent question was presented by a Dutch Cardiologist Dr. Pim van Lommel, author of “Consciousness Beyond Life” 12, where he investigates several cases of patients who were pronounced clinically dead, but returned to life.

In that book Dr. Lommel says that the belief until recently was that the consciousness and memory are in the brain cells. When a patient is declared clinically dead it means, that there was a cardiac arrest.  When there is a cardiac arrest the brain is dead.  That is to say that the consciousness which is in the brain cells is also dead. How could we then explain that a patient who had a cardiac arrest declared clinically dead returned to life to relate what happened during the period he had been declared “dead”?

This also answers an earlier question we paused as to whether a mind can exist without the body.  It appears that the consciousness, which is the mind, has existed outside the body in Near Death Experiences.

My own Near Death Experience which I recount below left its indelible mark in my life.

SILENCE IN A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

 “as I slowly opened my eyes I saw the blurred image of a face which I   recognize as that of George- looking anxiously at me, behind him were the faces of my friends.  Rasu was the first to speak “welcome back” Charles he said showing his white even set of teeth in a broad smile.  I asked George where I was, feeling the sheet of cloth laid on the ground on which I was lying in my wet shorts.   “take it easy” He said, “you gave us a terrible fright.”  I remembered that we were playing water polo in the river and………….it was all coming back to me….”

I was the Troop Leader of the Scout Troop of my school, Christ Church College, Wattegama in Sri Lanka.   Long after I had left school, my Scout Master P.I.George asked me whether I would like to come for a weekend camp with the Troop.  I jumped at the idea as I had always  loved  the  atmosphere of  a Scout Camp, and besides George  who was my  teacher  in Mathematics,  was a good friend.

George was a Christian and a very friendly man always ready to help.  He does not seem to rest, always coming up with plans to do some thing or other gathering his senior pupils around him.  May be it was because he was feeling lonely away from his family in Travancore in India.

It was a Sunday. We set up the Scout Camp besides a river.  It was convenient and solved the problem of carrying water from far.  The river was shallow and it was also going to be our “ground” for recreation.  That memorable Sunday morning the Scout Master suggested that we play water-polo, and held before us a tennis ball.  That was how we found ourselves taking our places in the apparently shallow river that cold morning.  I was the only one in the troop who could not swim; I was therefore given a safer place on the shallow sandy edge of the river close to the bank.

The Scout Master blew the whistle to begin the game.  The tennis ball was being passed from one to the other and I saw it coming towards me.  As I jumped forward to catch it I stumbled, missed the ball and went off-balance.  The sand under my feet was shifting. I was unable to recover my balance. I was helplessly struggling to find a foot hold, when I realised I was going down into the water.

With intense fear my only hope was to call for help.  My desperate struggle took me deeper into the water.  Suddenly I felt myself rising up and my head bobbed over the surface.  I could see the other scouts looking my way and I frantically waved my hand and opened my mouth to shout for help. But no words came out of my mouth which instead got filled with water.

I was suffocating, unable to breathe.  My efforts to breathe only let in more water through my nose and mouth.  I was going under the water again.  Then I lost consciousness of the effort I was making to live, but became aware of a silent quietude.  The water around me was lukewarm and comfortable. I was quite alert- not to sounds, because it was absolutely silent.  I seemed to be floating in space unaware even of water around me. I “perceived” the inside of a long “building” – a lighted space without any sharp ends. Its “walls “, the “ floor” and the “ceiling “were all clean white with  pine wood coffins on either side  at regular intervals, with a candle at the end of each coffin.

It was not with eyes that I was «seeing". It was being conscious, or being aware. The far end of the “building” merged into a bright white glow. The yellow flames of the candles stood straight without a flicker. Nothing stirred. It was a comforting silence. I was sort of folded up, like a naked foetus floating in space. There was no one anywhere to be seen.  It was silent, serene, and calm. The whole place was bathed in a white “light”, not the bright light of the sun, more like the soft light of a fluorescent lamp.

There was neither sadness nor  fear.  But I was thinking, not in the conceptual sense of the word thinking, but sort of sensing, being aware or having impulsions  wondering how George was going to cope with the situation and answer the questions of the police, what he might  say to my mother, brothers and sisters  who I could  “see  around him”. “I” was an indifferent spectator. 

Then everything faded away. It may have been a few minutes or more after I slipped down the sandy bank .  I had no notion of time. I was feeling very cold. 

As  I slowly opened my eyes  I saw  the blurred  image of a  face which I recognize as that of George looking anxiously at me , behind  him were the faces of my friends.  Rasu was the first to speak “welcome back”  Charles he said showing his white even set of teeth in a broad smile.  I asked George where I was, feeling the sheet of cloth laid on the ground on which I was lying in my wet shorts.   “take it easy” He said, “ you gave us a terrible fright”  I remembered  that we were playing water polo in the river and………….it was all coming back to me…

The words are inadequate to describe all that happened; for when I speak in the first person, it is merely to narrate the experience, for my body was inert. I had no sense of it. It was the mind that went through the experience............

It must have been a great relief to everyone when I came around while my brother scouts were putting into practical use their theoretical knowledge of life-saving exercises.

According to what I was told they were in the middle of the game and saw that I missed the ball and   fell into the water.  They thought that I was trying to pick up the ball.  I had bobbed in and out of the water once or twice and then disappeared altogether, and it was then that the scout who was standing nearest to me Rasu realised that something was wrong.  He called for help and dived in and "fished» me out with the help of others. They carried me senseless to the bank of the river and laid me down. Then they successfully brought me back to life.  I had been unconscious and they were all frightened.  It had taken them a long time to revive me.

That night I could not sleep. My stomach was rumbling, the muddy water of the river that I had gulped in my panic still remaining in it. I was looking at my experience in retrospect. The "vision" was certainly not my imagination. Because that part of me that struggled to live trying to call for help was over when I had these "visions". I was completely submerged in the water and my lungs must have been full of water.  If I had not been taken out of water in time I may have died. 

 I may have had this strange experience between the times my breathing stopped and before I was taken out of the water.  Breathing must have stopped because I was not struggling to breathe. That struggle had been over, when I felt the soothingly comfortable lukewarm water just before I had the “experience- the vision”.

At that time I was nineteen years of age and the incident did not have much significance.  But curiously, now about 60 years after, I still remember the experience in every detail clearly as it happened only yesterday.  It was a state of being without being, seeing without seeing.  There was no physical form, but yet I was thinking not in the conceptual meaning of the word ‘thinking’, but sort of having impulsions of being aware.  I was conscious of my family and the scoutmaster. I had even thought of the police questioning the scout master.  There was no feeling of sadness or anxiety, mere knowing in   a “celestial peace…..”

My experience was a sign of approaching death or death itself.  If that was death then I know that it is moments before death that a person will be terrified and struggle to keep alive. Once that struggle is over, reaching the “other side” may be pleasant.

No one really knows what death is, but one who has gone through a Near Death Experience at least has an idea as to what it would be like to die, and what perhaps is death!  The experience may of course be interpreted according to past experiences, or one’s own social, and religious back ground. Nevertheless, it is a  strange feeling that the “death” was really a few minutes (or seconds ) away from the first moment  of my struggle to breath, getting away from the known, attachments, desires, fear, sadness and then it is living again, not physically, but differently…. where only the mind seems to live, it thinks or has impulsions of awareness. 

There is a sense of indifference- equanimity, not sad not happy but extremely comfortable, pleasant, no sense of touch only visual perceptions. There is an existence of light, and floating, but nothing physical about it.  You perceive but do not hear.  There is a sense of understanding, knowing, and awareness.  Memory is there I could recognise persons and think.........

CHAPTER TWO

Becoming alive to Inner Silence

In my little village hemmed between hills and valleys, surrounded by lush greenery, under the shadow of the Hunnasgiriya of the  Knuckles mountain range, I grew up last in a family of six cradled in love. The villagers were devoted Buddhists.  My grandmother observed the eight precepts 13 at the village temple every full moon day, and my mother offered her the lunch on such days. I accompanied my mother to the temple on these occasions dressed in white carrying the tray of flowers, with assumed piety. 

The High Priest officiated in the offerings made to the Buddha- the “Buddha Puja”.  After that all those upasaka and upasika -the men and women lay followers of the teachings of the Buddha who observe the eight precepts clad in their clean white clothes, sat on mats laid on the floor of the temple to accept the meals offered to them by their respective families. 

On the full-moon day of the month of May, which is called the Wesak Full Moon Day, we celebrate the birth, the enlightenment and the passing away of the Buddha. Early in the morning before the sun has risen the senior members of the village often accompanied by younger children of their families gather at the temple.  They are all dressed in white ready to recite the eight precepts after each precept is read out by the officiating monk. After that they become the Upasaka and Upasika for the day keeping the precepts they had recited after the officiating Monk.

I still remember getting up early in the morning to see my Grandmother, with a tray of flowers in her hands, join the tandem of elderly men and women to be upasaka, and upasika14 for the day until the following morning. They dressed in white walk piously in silence, some carrying lanterns to light the path to the temple still in the pre-dawn darkness. The whole day until the following morning is devoted for religious activity, such as meditation, reading Buddhist texts or listening to discourses on Dhamma15

On that day there is Wesak Buddha Puja, an offering to the Buddha by every family in the village  for which there had been months of preparation.  Lists of offerings are prepared well in advance, which contain three items of food and fruit juice to be prepared by each family in the village. No two lists contained identical offerings. 

As the hour of offering approaches  the villagers form into a long queue and pass there offerings from hand to hand, holding them respectfully with both hands along the queue of devotees crying out loud  “ Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu ”as each offering is handed over by  one to the other.  When the dishes reach the officiating Monk, he arranges them with the help of other monks, on the tables covered with white table cloths set-up for the purpose in the shrine room before the statue of the Buddha.  When all the offerings of all the villagers  who had participated  have been received  and placed on the tables,  the Monk makes a formal offering of the food to the Buddha by reciting  the appropriate stanzas which are repeated simultaneously by the devotees. 

Thereafter the temple doors are closed for about half an hour. The symbolic time for the Buddha to partake of the offerings.  Thereafter the food is given away to the beggars and animals.

In the evening the villagers come with their families, with flowers, wicks for oil lamps, and sticks of incense to offer them to the Buddha. They place the flowers respectfully before the images of the Buddha in the shrine room reciting devotional stanzas, and go out to light oil lamps and the sticks of incense before the dagaba- a dome like construction inside which are enshrined the relics of the Buddha, and then to the sacred Bo-tree representing the tree under which the Buddha sat to attain enlightenment.

My mother contributed much to enhance my religious awakening. The devotion to Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha was extended to the respect and love to the parents. That respect to parents is inculcated into our Buddhist minds. I cannot remember a day that I left home to go to school when I was young, and even afterwards when I was grown up and working, without kneeling respectfully before my mother, like  I do  before the statue of the Buddha in the temple ,wishing my mother health and long life. Our father had left us when I was young; he was therefore not there to receive my respects.

In the Sinhala school I attended, much attention was paid to Buddhist religious education, and to emphasise the importance of paying respect to our parents and elders. This education of respect for our parents, teachers and elders remains part of our Sinhala Buddhist Culture. It is there that our individual character and temperament had taken root.  Learned Buddhist Monks were invited to the school to give talks on Dhamma.  It was at one of these occasions that I saw and listened to Venerable Narada Thero 16, who made a Buddhist sermon in the school hall.

Later on I was sent to an English School not far away from home so that my mother could have a protective eye on me!  The war was raging and the Japanese had just bombed Colombo. The English School I went to after my schooling in Sinhala was a Christian school where it was not obligatory to attend catechism classes to learn Christianity, as it was then practiced in other Christian Schools.  I attended the Sunday school at the Buddhist temple, where I studied the rudiments of Buddhism.

When I grew up and started working, my interest in Buddhism continued to grow.  I bought Sinhala books written by scholarly monks on various aspects of Buddha’s teachings. But I found the books difficult to understand as they seemed to have been written for those who knew Sanskrit and Pali17. 

Therefore, I circumvented the difficulty by listening to discourse by various Buddhist monks. Well known monks were invited to our village temple, I also attended regular Dhamma talks delivered by Buddhist monks every Sunday at the Keerthi Sri Rajasinghe Pothgul Viharaya in Kandy. The Chief Incumbent of the Viharaya was Venerable Yatirawana Narada Nayaka Thero.  There I had the good fortune to listen to Buddhist monks experienced in meditation.

The most satisfying effort to learn Buddhist meditation came when I was invited by my friend D.B.Herath to participate in a weekend retreat, sponsored by the Peradeniya Agricultural Department Buddhist Association of which my friend DB was the Secretary.  It was held at the Sri Lanka University at Peradeniya.  The retreat was conducted by Venerable Piyadassi thero. Though this retreat was short, it gave me the inclination to do more meditation in search of the inaccessible inner silence.

In the meantime I had been presented with a copy of the Bible-the New Testament, by a cousin of mine- Dharmadasa, a soldier in the British Army in Sri Lanka during the Second World War.  He had it presented to him by the Army Chaplain.  Though I had kept it with me I did not have the occasion to read it.  Now with my religious feelings awakened by my devotion to Buddhism, I wanted know about the teachings in the Bible. 

I left all my other readings aside to read the Holy Bible-Authorised King James Version.  It was a book of absorbing interest.  I read it several times.  I was fascinated by the language, the stories, and the beautifully written psalms.  I liked the simple advice on generosity, loving kindness, patience and goodness as spoken by Jesus in his sermon on the mount.

But, even though the ordinary people in the Holy Bible were generous and kind, the angels sent by the God were not so kind, generous or forgiving. 

I found utter cruelty in burning of cities like Sodom and Gomorrah with all men, women and children, all of them quite innocents of any crimes alluded to them by the angels of god.   There were far too many contradictions in the Bible.  Could the God who is all love resort to down right criminality in burning cities without any concern for human lives?

I merely read the stories for what they were, but the religion that went with the Holy Bible did not attract me. The God’s cruelty imposed on Job to satisfy his ego to counter Satan's assertions is sordid.  In it there is no profound philosophy.  It looks to me like a long tale about bad fairies.  The philosophy that could glean from it is a conflict of a loving God with his own creation. 

The book of Job is such an example. Job was devoted to God, but yet to test him he allowed Satan to destroy every thing that belonged to Job, his children, servants and live stock.  He only asked Satan not to kill him. And Job suffering that entire calamity only says, «God has taken away what he had given."

What a silly test the God allowed Satan to impose on Job, to prove that Job will love God what ever suffering is caused to him. The man in the Bible is nothing without God.  He cannot do any thing on his own.  The “invisible” God exists in the mind of the faithful.  The “faith” is therefore the only proof of God’s existence. The day the believer looses his faith in God, the God will cease to exist. The Bible and Christianity are not for me and I am sure they will not show me the way to Inner Silence.

One has to be a blind fanatic to believe that the Book of Job in the Bible is an example of the great love of the God, who after the trials and tribulations the poor Job was made to go through, gave him a second chance with another family, with other children.

* * * * *

It was in Matale that I met my friend Godwin Samararatne, who later became an exemplary Buddhist Meditation Teacher. It was my friend Senanayake working with me at the Matale Kachcheri – a Government Provincial Office , who took me to see him at the Matale Municipal Library which was not far away from  where we were working.

The day I met Godwin, I was deeply impressed by his simplicity and the kindness with which he greeted us.  He was wearing a long sleeved white shirt and a white pair of longs. He was careless about his appearance I thought, though his black hair falling up to his neck was neatly combed. He was a lanky handsome young man. His long bony face was lit with an ever present smile. He was implicitly polite. I took an immediate liking to him. We soon became good friends. 

He was well versed in Buddhism and even at that time a meditator.  In his company I learnt more about the profound teachings of the Buddha. He could discuss any subject with ease, be it Greek philosophy, Christianity, Buddha Dhamma, or Politics.  He was friendly and always ready with a joke.  He inspired me to take an active interest in Buddhism. With him I started many Buddhist activities in Matale. 

A Government Servants’ Buddhist Association was started in the presence of a well known Buddhist monk Venerable Piyadassi Thero, who was then staying with Venerable Nynaponika thero at the Udawattekelle Buddhist Hermitage, in Kandy, in Sri Lanka. I went with S.B.Yalegama who later became a Member of the Parliament of Sri Lanka, to bring the Venerable Piyadassi to Matale.  My friend Prakrama Niyangoda was elected the Secretary of the Association. 

Several Buddhist Sermons were organised by the Association.  It was always a problem to get people to attend these Sermons.   Sometimes we had to go round to families around the Hall where the Sermon was scheduled to be delivered reminding them to attend. 

The day we invited the late Venerable Madihe Pannasiha thero, I was ill and was unable to attend. Godwin, Parakrama Niyangoda, and Sam Samarasinghe had to arrange every thing in preparation for the Sermon. But unknown to us  there was a political meeting scheduled to be held on the very day on a play ground not far away from where the Venerable Pannasiha  thero was to  give the talk.

My friends came in the evening to see me.  I saw disappointment written on their faces.  Godwin said, that there were only five people for the talk, and the loudspeakers were blaring out from all around-but Venerable Thero pacified them telling that it was nothing to worry about as the Lord Buddha him-self  made his first sermon to five ascetics…….We were never short of such disappointments.

I participated in many Buddhist and other relevant activities with my friend the late Godwin Samararatne. I accompanied Godwin and Francis Story when they investigated cases of children who remembered their past lives.  Once we went to Gampaha to investigate a case.  My friend Karalliyadde who worked with me at the Matale Kachcheri took us to Gampaha in his car.  

We attended upasampada18 ceremonies, Buddhist lectures by Professor K.N.Jayatilleke, and Dr. E.W.Adikaram.  At the Kumbiyagoda Temple in Matale we organised distribution of lotus flowers to devotees on full moon days. These activities I had participated with my friends Godwin, Parakrama Niyangoda, Amarasiri Weeraratne and others stimulated my interest in Buddhism. 

I started meditating in the evenings and in the mornings at home. My friend Godwin Samararatne gave me instructions. These sessions were not very long but nevertheless, I found that I could gradually train my mind to be with the in and out breath for fairly long periods.  It was on one of these occasions that I had a vision of a face sad and forlorn staring into my eyes slowly ‘decaying’ in to a frightful skull.  The experience was so real, that I was frightened.

I was so disturbed after that experience I could not sit down to meditate. When I related the incident to Godwin he told me that I should not react to such visions, but  note them as seeing…., seeing…. seeing, and then the vision will pass away without causing any psychological disturbance.  Now I know to stay mindfully aware of what is seen, what is heard, what is smelt, what is tasted or what is felt. These were my modest incursions in search of inner silence that, nevertheless, left their mark.

I left the Election Department of Matale 1n 1965 to work in the Ministry of Home Affairs in Colombo. I continued my Buddhist activities visiting temples and attending weekend Buddhist lectures some times accompanying Alec Robertson, who was working in the Auditor General’s Department which was next door to where I was working.  I continued to keep close contact with my friend Godwin.  It was while I was in Colombo that I was selected for Foreign Service, and   soon after I left Sri Lanka to work at our Embassy in France.

* * * * *

I worked with Izeth Hussain the Charge d’Affairs of the Sri Lanka Embassy in France and then Mr. Elmo Seneviratne. Later on Sir Lalitha Rajapakse came as the Ambassador of Sri Lanka to France.  He was a well respected lawyer and a politician.  He was well known for his eloquence.  He was also known for his Buddhist activities. Sir Lalitha was a simple charming man always neat and well dressed. But I thought he allowed his administrative decisions to be influenced by his family.

He would discuss Buddhism with me when he had the time, and asked me even question showing his great knowledge of the Dhamma and devotion to the teachings of the Buddha.  I was therefore astonished and could not believe it, when I was told that after his return to Sri Lanka he had committed suicide by hanging himself.  Kamma unfolds what cannot be outwardly perceived.

With my coming to France the search for inner silence was temporarily at a halt.  The attractive new environment and the absolute independence I had found were beyond my expectation.  At the beginning I was a little lost.  Everything seemed so different, and added to that I was a stranger to the language the people spoke here. I found the churches in Paris cold, aloof and dominant. They were empty colossus buildings of no other interest than the Gothic architecture and the colourful glass windows.

These Churches are a contrast to a Buddhist Temple. One who enters a Buddhist temple has a pleasant emotional impact seeing the image of a smiling Buddha, pleasing wall decorations, the smell of flowers and incense.  Even the temple site, with the clean bare ground with a large bo- tree and the simple white stupa adds to the peace and serenity of the place.  The simplicity and the architectural beauty of a temple blend into its sanctitude creating an atmosphere of peace and repose.

Men, women, and children in family groups with flowers and other offerings in hand coming to observe sacred  rituals in respectful silence, exudes piety and  religious devotion.  What beautiful thoughts fill one’s mind on seeing the sheer simplicity of a place of Buddhist worship? It is a holy place which embraces the devotees without standing aloof and dominant as it is in the case of a Church or a Mosque.

The Churches in France are monstrously huge, dominating man creating in him fear rather than love and peace.  It is a Church of a God that demands obedience rather than a place of sanctity that generates compassion. The walls outside are crowded with crude and grotesque effigies carved into them.  Inside, the Churches are dark, cold   and gloomy.  The smell of burning candles, old wood and rancid air do not give the impression that these Churches are the haunts of a loving God. Perhaps a mighty God! 

The tall interior with Gothic arches is to show the immensity, the larger than life of the power of the all mighty God and the insignificance of the puny little man. Man cannot reach the height to see the God, nor God stoop down to see with his divine eye the miniscule man. In the Church the God and man are out of reach from each other.

I would walk into a Church to sit on a chair and meditate.  These Churches empty and cavernous I thought,  were however sanctified by the blind faith of men and women in an unattainable God,  rather than by the presence of One, therefore an  ideal  place to sit to search for the inner silence.

 I drifted along this new passage through ‘Samsara’ into which I had been projected, with trepidation,   feeding my senses with restraint.  I met a Sri Lankan in Paris - Kesara Karunatilleke, who became a close friend. He introduced me to the literary world of Malraux, and other classical French writers. Though some of these well known Classical writers were not unknown to me ,  I listened to Kesara without stopping his literary enthusiasm enthralled by his remarkable memory of even passages from books which he had read , and  anecdotes from the lives of the  writers.  We would sit in the terrace of a Bistro in the Quartier–Latin discussing Malraux, T.E.Lawrence, Maupassant, Stendhal, Flaubert, or the crippled artist Toulouse Lautrec sipping cold beer late into the evening.  We would some times go to the legendary Brasserie La Coupole, in Montparnasse which was frequented by artists, writers and philosophers, where we sat in the terrace and ordered beer. Once Kesara pointed out to me Jean Paul Sartre and Simone Beauvoir seated at a table.

The Quartier Latin is the oldest area of Paris.  From the middle ages it had been the seat of learning.  The Sorbonne, and the First European University is in the Quartier –Latin.  It still has the remnants of old Paris, and is the haunts of students, writers, and scholars.

We walk up the narrow roads to the  St.Genevieve Abbey, past the Pantheon  a Mausoleum  containing the tombs of honoured French citizens, then   down the old road- rue Mouffetard with quaint buildings , and walk into a small restaurant where we some times eat a not so expensive meal washing it down with delicious wine.

I had plenty of time, at my disposal and   used it   reading books, seeing films, going to theatres and listening to music. My friend Kesara had been in Paris long before me and he knew most of the places of interest, which we often visited as and when time permitted us to get-together. The first French theatre I saw with him and his friend Marie -Claude was one of Racine.   Some evenings we would come back to my studio- a bed-sitter where we would prepare a Sri Lanka meal. Kesara was a good cook and when we change our place of meeting to his Studio he did the cooking.

At the Cite University, I met a Buddhist priest from Sri Lanka Kosgoda Sobhita thero also a very learned monk. His research paper on “A critical Study of “Anattavada” examined in the light of modern scientific thought” is a highly   intellectual exposition of an important aspect of the teachings of the Buddha on the no-self theory. He was very kind and friendly and I went to see him from time to time at Cambodia House of the Cite University.  Some times during week-ends we got together with the students from Sri Lanka and cooked rice and curry and spent the whole day eating and talking. 

Once Venerable Sobhita invited Venerable Walpola Rahula along with Venerable Madihe Pannasiha Thero who was on a visit to Paris for dana(lunch).  Venerable Sobhita informed us of the visit. A few of us   Ranjit Ranaraja, Selvarajah, Herath, and I prepared the lunch in the Students’ Kitchen of the Cite University and offered it to the three monks.  That was a great opportunity to listen to those great Venerable Monks.  Ranjit Ranaraja was a student of Law. 

I remember Venerable Madihe Pannasiha thero asking Ranjit who was from a family of Lawyers in Kandy, that he should when he returns to Sri Lanka actively participate in a Sinhala Buddhist Movement as the Government does not give importance to the development of the Sinhala Buddhist Culture. 

In a lighter vein, when Herath who was later to be a Director of the Electrical Department of Sri Lanka spoke about the French drinking wine instead of water during and after a meal, Venerable Walpola Rahula said wine being the “beverage” of the people, one may perhaps apply “majjapama datthana veramani”- for moderate consumption of vine. That amused every one.

Later at the Sri Lanka Embassy I met Venerable Walpola Rahula once again.  He was well known for his scholarly writings, as well as for his left wing political activities in Sri Lanka.  When I met him he was wearing a strikingly yellow robe. He was thin and of medium height. He had an attractive figure.  His head was well shaven and the dark rimmed spectacles gave him the air of a stern scholarly monk. 

I was happy to meet him again, and immediately approached him and paid my respects.  He had deep, penetrating eyes and smiling pleasantly started a conversation.  I had heard of him as a political figure but the impression that he gave me was not that of a one time political renegade-priest, as I had imagined, but a gentle, friendly scholarly monk. 

I told him of my interest in my religion.  Through him I got to know the Association of Les Amis du Buddhism.  He had extended to me an open invitation to visit him any time, but “telephone me before you come,” he warned me. I met him several times thereafter and had the privilege of discussing different aspects of Buddha’s Teachings with him. 

He was writing a paper on Asanga, which was to be included in the Buddhist Encyclopaedia and would talk at length about Asanga.

Venerable Assanga was a forth Century Buddhist Monk from India.  He first followed the Theravada Buddhism and studied both the Theravada and Mahayana canonical texts.  Later he adopted the Mahayana tradition of which his brother Vasubandu was already an adept.  Venerable Asanga developed the Yogacara school of Buddhism. He was determined to understand the theory of emptiness- Sunyata of Mahayana School developed by Nagarjuna in the Mahayana philosophy as he had explained in Maddyamakarika.  Venerable Asanga developed the Yogacara philosophy on the basis   that citta, mano and vinnana are three different aspects of Buddhism and the terms are not synonymous referring to one and the same thing. 

Venerable Rahula would explain all that to me, and I listened to him attentively though then I did not understand the implications of the philosophy of one Buddhist school and another. I thought he discussed or explained all that to refresh his mind and prepare the subject before he worked on it to put it down in writing. I was for him a good listener who would listen to him without interrupting him.

When I visited him at his apartment at Place d’Italie, he received me in his long brown dress of a Mahayana Bikkhu, and explained that he wears it for the convenience of movement and comfort.  He showed me the strikingly yellow robe which he was wearing when I first met him at the Embassy and said that he wears that colourful robe only for special Buddhist ceremonies as it is more imposing, and the other brown robe was an informal dress for smaller occasions.

Thereafter I took time off to attend to Buddhist Ceremonies at Les Amis du Buddhism often with Venerable Rahula, or see these two Sri Lankan Monks talking to them about the Dhamma and matters related to religion in Sri Lanka.  Those were occasions to keep my spiritual life awake.

Professionally, I was adopting myself to the strange, pleasant environment after a few mishaps at the beginning. My arrival in Paris and the long voyage in a French ship- Vietnam were not without incidents.

On the day that I left home in April 1964, whole of my dear family, my mother , my eldest brother Loku aiya, my sister Nonakka-her  husband Hugh and her son Dhammika, my brothers Dorey aiya, and Cryil aiya with his wife Nanda and their one year old baby-Shiranee;  they all accompanied me to Colombo to see me off . 

* * * * *

We, my Sisters and brothers,  all grew up together  in the nest our dear mother  had  with so much love and tears constructed on her own, aided by my elder brother  who had contributed to help her to keep us together .

My mother had been widowed young with two children to bring up.  She inherited her husband’s land that enabled her to bring up her children. When her life with her in-laws became disagreeable, she came to live with her mother. But my maternal grandmother had also been widowed with a brood of five children of her own to look after. 

My mother’s inherited wealth helped my grand mother to bring them up and marry off her daughters.  Eventually my mother married again arranged by the maternal grand uncle Gunasekara, who was a Divisional Headman, a Korale Mahattaya.

And from her second marriage she had four children. That made a family of six children with my mother’s two first bed children. I was the youngest and had all their undivided love and attention.

My father left us when I was still a little toddler and my mother had to bear the brunt of bringing us up with a dwindled inheritance major part of which had been utilised to marry off her step sisters and help her eldest step brother William to find employment.  Mother’s brothers and sisters having found their own independence had left to live their own lives, leaving my mother with her small income which she still managed to collect from her former husbands properties.

My mother with that meagre income eked out a living with her six children.  She was a persistent woman, when her relatives suggested that she send her young boys to work in a shop without unnecessarily spending what means she had to educate them, my mother had determined that if she were to let one of her boys go to a college, learn English and wear trousers, she will not let the rest half educated wearing sarongs and doing odd jobs.

In those days in the villages of colonial Sri Lanka the trousers had a great value,  only the rich  educated class wore them , and learning English in an English school was a luxury a few could afford.

My poor mother had to do all the household work  by herself, she could not afford a servant, except  poor women from the village who would come to fetch water for household use  in clay pots from a well  far down in   the  paddy fields. She collected fallen coconut fronds  and prepared them for roof thatching ,  plucked cocoa and washed and dried their seeds, plucked the coffee nuts pounded them to remove the skin dried and  stored them.  It was those that provided her the extra money to feed her young brood. 

It was during the Second World War that rice was under ration.  Sri Lanka was under the British rule and when rice was difficult to get the government introduced raw wheat to replace rice.  Even that was expensive.

When there wasn’t enough money to buy  food my mother  would boil the seeds of jackfruits kept in reserve  inside a heap of dry earth in a  corner of the kitchen and give  them to us with grated coconut, or  she prepared  jackfruits from the trees in the garden  taking out the edible pulp inside and  boiled the  fleshy cover of the seeds and served it with a sambol.19

I did not like eating them and rebelled against  it  running out on to the road  to shout at the top of my voice that I cannot eat  jack fruit every day… and my mother would drag me inside wiping tears off her face. Now I feel sorry that I did not appreciate then the efforts of my poor mother to sustain us keeping up pretence of social respectability. 

I was an average student, but I was one of the three students from the Yatirawana Government Sinhala School selected to sit an all Island Examination for the students of the fifth standard.  I was the one selected from my school on the results of the Examination.    The scholarship allowed me to attend the Royal College, Colombo, which was then the leading English school.  I was eleven years old and I was the youngest in the family. It was after the Japanese had bombed Colombo, and my mother would not dream of sending me to Colombo- that unholy place what ever is the School.

My mother admitted me to the Christ Church College, Wattegama just a mile and a half away from home.  That is good enough she had said when the Education department had proposed Trinity College in Kandy as an alternative to the Royal College in Colombo.

The scholarship had a monthly allowance of about Rs.150 per month which was then a tidy sum of money.  As the school was under the free education system, the allowance of Rs.150 was paid to my mother for my upkeep.  That was very handy as it added to my mother’s meagre income to bring up all her children. I loved the school where I had as friends the Muslim boys from Madawala, the Tamil boys and girls coming from the Tea Estates near by, and the children of the Jaffna Tamil shops and restaurant owners of the Wattegama town. 

The Principle of the School was a Mr. Hill.  He was later succeeded by Late Rev. C.L.Abeynayake, who later became the Bishop of Colombo.  Our Scout Master was Late Mr.Conrad Felsinger.  He was a good story teller, with a fascination fro birds of Sri Lanka. We enjoyed the Scout Camps with him where we invented short plays which we enacted in the night around the campfire. Mr. P.I.George, the Assistant Scout Master along with John Daniels took over the troop after the retirement of Mr.Conrad Felsinger.

In 1949 only three students Edmund Wijesinghe, L.B.Abeykoon and I were selected to sit the Senior School Certificate Examination.  All three of us passed.  Of the three of us L.B.Abeykoon later became the Post Master General; Edmund Wijesinghe who entered the Peradeniya University played the Veddha in Dr. Sarathchandra’s Maname.  He was a Principle in a school in Kadugannawa.

It was around that time that I was taken seriously ill with a disease of the decay of the frontal bone -Osteomyelitis of the Frontal Bone. At the time it had a high mortality rate.  I was sent to the Kandy General Hospital shivering with high fever and in great pain.  My sister Nonakka (Wimala) was then a nurse at the Kandy Hospital and I was able to have special care.  Two doctors looked after me alternately day and night.  They gave me a series of penicillin injections and inhalations.  My brothers would come often to see me and go back wiping their tears.

My eldest brother Peter was a strict disciplinarian and he was very strict pulling us up if we do not obey our mother or become neglectful of our school work.  He was a father figure and we were frightened when ever he was at home.  When I was ill and hospitalised my eldest brother visited me almost every day.  When the visiting hours were over my brother would go out and come from behind the hospital and watch me through the window.  One day I caught him wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. That day I realised how much he loved us.  Though he showed himself as a tough disciplinarian he had a large heart full of love and affection.  Finally thanks to Doctors Nadesan and Pathmanathan the crisis of my illness was over.  

I even sat for the Government General Clerical Service Examination, for which I had applied against the wish of my family who wanted me to enter the University.  I had seen how much my mother suffered to educate us and keep us together, I did not have the heart to let them suffer more to give me a University education, therefore I had decided to do a government job and help the family. 

My most sad experience in the hospital was the day a patient on a bed within site who was crying loud with pain whole day died almost before my eyes in the evening.  One moment he was wailing in agony, and he was silent the next.  A Doctor and a Nurse came to take his pulse, looked at each other without a word and covered the body with a white sheet.  Later two attendants removed the body from the Ward. Death is so sudden it comes like a vulture drawn by the smell of blood…….

My first appointment after my success in the Government Clerical Service Examination for which I sat while in the hospital was to the Kandy Kachcheri. I took the train every morning from Wattegama to Kandy. I was happy with new friends I made even though some of them were much older. It was a new experience where I had been given the responsibility of a government job. Of all my new friends Daya Perera, D.N.De Silva and Sam Kulathunga were the closest. 

During lunch interval some of us would go to Wijethunga’s Departmental store in Kandy town, where the musical section of the shop was in charge of a friend of D.N.De.Silva.  D.N.De Silva loved western Music. He   got his friend at Wijetunga’s to play for us selected pieces of music. That was my introduction to Western Classical music.  Later I met R.A.C.Rajapakse who had been working in Galle. We were working in the Land Department and became close friends. 

Parakrama Niyangoda who was a friend of Rajapakse joined us later.  Parakrama and Rajapakse had been studying together at the Vijaya College, Matale, where Parakrama’s father had been a teacher.  Three of us soon became inseparables.  We use to travel together, eat together, go to cinema shows together and play pranks on our colleagues in Office and in the train.  Parakrama was very affectionate.  He treated me like a younger brother.  Two of us went to Colombo once to see the “holiday on Ice " and that was the most fabulous show I had ever seen. But my friend Parakrama could not support the heat in Colombo, and he suffered so much that day.

I was later to be separated from my friends when I was transferred to the Government Agents Office-the Kachcheri, in Galle.  In Galle I really “came of age”.  I was boarded in a house with two young women Doreen and Monica, and we were all in love with each other. It was good that way as the sisters were not jealous of each other as they shared my affection equally between the two of them.

 I had kept my relationship with the girls a secret, and when I refused to join my friends during week ends and holidays for trips out side town or for parties, they could not understand why.  I was very happy to be in the company of Doreen and Monika.  It was a new experience a family away from my own dear family back in Kandy.  It was also an emotional experience of being free and intimate with women.

In the Office I was friendly with every one.  I was only 22 years old then.  Many of my office friends coming from Ambalangoda, and Balapitiya were Marxists many of them party members of the  LSSP and  few others members of the Communist Party.  I preferred to be with the LSSP sympathisers. I liked LSSP because it had embraced all Communities into its fold. I had grown up with the Muslims and Tamils  and I could not think of a political system where every one is divided according to their Communities. 

When I was in School, our Civics teacher was Rev. CL.Abeynayake who was also our Principle, and he spoke of the “haves” and “have-nots. “  The Capitalist system he said is of the “haves “, and the Socialist system is of the “have-nots”.   That struck me deeply having had the experience of being a “have not”.  Since then I had been on the side of the latter- the “have-nots.”

Some of us in the Government Service in Galle joined the Galle Government Officers’ Sports Club.  It was a good place to meet friends and have a drink together.  I had taken a liking to take a beer to keep away the thirst in that hot place and be with my friends. I liked the bitter taste beer. It was enjoyable taking drinks with friend rather than taking it alone.  But I knew when to stop.  I never got drunk.

The Galle Clerical Service Association once invited Dr. N.M.Perera for a lecture. After the lecture we were allowed to ask questions.  I asked him when he would be writing his autobiography.  He said with a smile, that he would very much like to write one, but for such an undertaking he needs more time for himself and that at the moment he said, is what he lacks.

In December of 1957 there was a great flood in Sri Lanka, which devastated every part of the country. In those fearsome nights with the incessant rain thumping on the roof and angry wind beating against the windows all of us Doreen, Monica, and their brothers Francis and Stephen would sit together telling stories, cracking jokes or playing “carom”.

Doreen had the good sense to make lot of sandwiches and short eats and prepare hot tea to keep away the shivering cold. That period of my stay in Galle was unforgettable, not only because of Monica and Doreen but also the other numerous friends I had made, Valentine de Silva, Dharmawardhana and Jayawardhana who were my very close friends.  After the floods I had to leave Galle as I had been  transferred to the Government Agent’s Office in Matale, where   I had the pleasure of  meeting again my dear friend Parakrama Niyangoda who was  then  working in  Matale.

* * * * *

My two brothers had found government jobs, my eldest brother was in the plantation sector and he paid regular visits to see my mother. Now we were all at home which pleased my mother and my sisters.  We began to live differently from what it had been before.  We built our old house.  We had enough means to enjoy life a little better, and everything seemed to be going well, when my eldest sister fell seriously ill.   We did all we could to save her, but it was in vain.

One day I was returning home after work with my  friend  Zaujhan when I  noticed a number of  people from the village gathered in front of  our house, I knew that some thing was wrong and ran inside to find  my mother wailing and my sister and brothers in tears trying to console my mother.  My elder sister had died.

It was unbearable that my elder sister   the pillar of our family always there to calm us and help us see the positive side even in misery and destitution is no more. She suffered along with us and now she is gone away. She was ill for a long time.  She was the one who stood next to my mother in love and affection.  She loved all of us.  It was sad that, when we were eventually coming out of the desperate circumstances of lack of comfort and means and could live a little better than we had been living before, our dear sister had to part from us. Is that the price we have to pay for changing circumstance to be better?

* * * * *

These were the memories that followed me to France, mingled with both sadness, and happiness they clouded my thoughts often with a longing for the warmth of the love and affection of my mother, sisters and brothers.  We had gone through so much together and we are now separated some dead while others pining in distant lands longing for the comfort of being together once again. 

Added to that was my suffering with severe abdominal pains, headache and nausea.  I had been in the French boat-Vietnam for nearly a month, and I found it difficult to get use to the French Salads with onion and vinegar sauce.  The smell of vinegar itself became so unbearable that entering the dining room was nauseating. I did not like the French dishes of half cooked meat, tasteless potatoes, and vegetables with strange French sauces.  We landed in Marseille. My cabin mates Naval Tata from India and Edward Fernando from Sri Lanka were both proceeding to Germany as students. 

We took the train to Paris. At Gare de Lyon in Paris, Naval and Edward left me to take the train to Germany. I was to stay back in beautiful Paris.  

I was met at the station by Mr.W.S.Perera, the Stenographer of the Sri Lanka Embassy in Paris.  The Embassy had booked a hotel room for me in Rue du Ranelagh, not far away from the Embassy which was at Rue Jasmin.  WS had brought with him a packet of rice and curry knowing that I would be yearning for it having gone through the ordeal himself when he had taken a French Boat to come to Paris.

I told WS about my problem of abdominal pain and nausea, and the good chap he was he immediately phoned a Doctor to take an appointment for me.  The following day Dr.Lancry from the American Hospital in Paris came to see me.  He examined me and said that I was suffering from Hepatitis, and that I should confine myself to the room, and not allow the Hotel personnel to suspect that I was ill. 

That was a nightmare an unexpected turn of events to be confined to a hotel room immediately after arriving in Paris the most beautiful city in the world with so much to see, with beautiful French Mademoiselles as I imagined at every corner beckoning you to come and have a little fun.  But all that I had was a view of the city from the window of the hotel room and two old women coming in turn to do the room. If at least they were young it would have been a comfort. I could not speak a word of French and they could not speak a word of English.

Luckily my colleague from the Embassy- WS would come with a packet of rice practically every day just handed it over to me at the door and go away. I was having an infectious disease, and he did not want to share it with me for he had two little sons he said.  That is how I arrived in France and to which beautiful city now after four years, I am getting ready to say good bye.

*  * * *

My long stay of four years in France did not give me free wings to fly away light of heart unburdened by another sort of longing and a parting sadness.  I had fallen in love with another “soul”, not much different from me though race and religion distanced one from the other. She was French and helped to drive away my loneliness in a country I was a stranger in language and cultural habits. It was the first time I had been away from my people and living with strangers not only speaking a different language but also with different eating habits. Annie helped me to overcome the problems and settle down with assurance and provided me with the much needed “mental adoption to the situation”.

While working at the Sri Lanka Embassy I was preparing for the Barristers Examination to be called to the English Bar. It was my dear friend Wesley Muthiah, who had come to London one year before I left Sri Lanka to come to France, who insisted that I should profit from my stay abroad to qualify myself in Law. He was himself a student of the Honourable Society of Lincoln’s Inn.  He at his end got all documents ready and even sent me the application form for admission to the Honourable Society of Lincoln’s Inn. 

I had only to sign it and send it with two certificates from recognised persons as to my character to the High Commissioner for Sri Lanka in UK to be sent with his recommendation to the Lincoln’s Inn. 

The first certificate was not difficult to get as the Charge d’Affairs of the Embassy Mr. Izeth Hussain readily complied with my request, and for the second I was fortunate in having befriended Venerable Walpola Rahula who gladly consented to give the certificate even though he did not know me for the stipulated ten years as it was required.  But he said a small lie to help a countryman and now a friend is not displaced and signed the certificate.  In the Sri Lanka High Commissioner’s Office, in London there was my friend Tissa Hapangamaaratchi who collected all the necessary information and forwarded my application to the Lincoln’s Inn.

CHAPTER THREE

Migrating to London

It was time to say goodbye to France and migrate to London where I was to study Law to be called to the English Bar as a Barrister at Law of the Honourable Society of Lincoln’s Inn 21

 London was not unknown to me.  I had my friend Wesley, his wife Tencey and the two children Ninesh and Rupty.  One requirement in being a Bar Student  was to keep a number of dinners in the Hall before being called to the Bar.  I therefore  came to London  once  every  two or three months to keep the dinners. During these visits I stayed with Wesley and Tencey.  

It was therefore like coming home as Wesley and Tencey lodged me in their apartment and treated me like a brother. Ninesh and Rupty were adorable company.

But this time I had to find a Studio, as I was going to stay in London  for at least  four  years. I found a Studio in Wilsdengreen.  The studio was old but the rent was affordable.  Wesley introduced me to a friend of his a Malaysian Student who found me a job in a Store House of Leather. The Store House imported sheep skins from New Zealand.  We had to check the quality of the skins and have them bundled in tens and stack them in the stores. If the skins were torn, with holes, thin or small they had to be rejected.  It was not a difficult job and the store house was clean and we had a very good working ambiance.  We were paid weekly. It was much better than a pay cheque at the end of the month.

It was a good start as Government of Sri Lanka had refused to allow me study leave. I had no income to pay for a Studio, transport or food.  I appealed to the Government of Sri Lanka for no-pay leave as an alternative to study leave. The Government not only refused to give me no-pay leave but also informed me that if I do not report for duty within one month I would be considered as having vacated my post. I had committed myself to Study Law which was a rare opportunity I have had. Therefore I took the risk of loosing my government job in Sri Lanka in preference to continue with my studies.

My friend Wesley Muthiah was already an active member of the Lanka Sama Samaja Party (a Marxist Political Party in Sri Lanka), when I first met him in Matale. He had started the LSSP Group in Matale,  and I became a member of it. In London too Wesley had started a LSSP Group and I naturally joined the group.  We had TissaVitarana, who was doing training in medical research in UK, as the President.  We met regularly at Wesley’s spacious home in London.  Many visiting Sri Lankan "left wing" politicians came to these meetings at Wesley's home.

I was determined to pass my Law exams.  I worked hard for it.  We had then the possibility of sitting for individual subject to complete the first part of the examination to qualify for the final Examination for which we had thirteen subjects.  I sat for the Constitutional Law, Criminal Law, Law of Contract and Roman Dutch Law.   I had taken a great liking to the study of Law. In the mean time I found employment at the London County Council.  I had good people to work with. Mr. Hugh Wynter was the Chief of the pay unit where I worked.  There was Doreen, Jane, Jacky and Mrs. Thornton. 

Mrs. Thornton was a Eurasian. She had an English father and an Indian mother.  She was married to an Englishman.  They had migrated to UK. After the death of her husband she was rejected by her husband’s family.   She, who expected to be treated like an English woman in UK when she migrated, was treated like any other coloured Indian.  She was miserable because in UK she was neither English nor Indian.

Doreen was my good friend.  They all knew I was doing the Law exams and helped me often taking a part of my work and doing it themselves allowing me time to study. We took turns to make tea for all in the Unit, when it is my turn Doreen never failed to give me a hand.  If some thing goes wrong in the pay sheets and the Director walks in to find out whose fault it was, Mr.Wynter would get up to say it was his fault, because he is the Chief of the Unit . The Director goes away warning him to be careful next time. Most of the time the errors were in the pay sheets I had prepared and Hugh knew it.

The final Examination to call to the English Bar is the most difficult. A student is given only three chances. If he fails the Exam thrice he can never sit for the Bar Examination any more. Therefore many good students who did not want to take the risk of failing the examination dropped out at the last minute.

******

I was in good health in London, until I went to Oxford for a workshop arranged by the School of Legal Studies.  The school had a large Bungalow leagued for its use by a well wisher. In it the School arranged workshops for the students. It was a beautiful place with a large garden.  The gardens were in full bloom when we arrived.  The English gardens are well known for roses. This garden had a large number of different varieties of roses.  I was very curious to know whether different varieties of roses had different smells.   I therefore bent over several of these beautiful roses to smell them.   That evening I could hardly breath, my nose was blocked, my eyes were teary, and I sneezed.

The following day was the visit of the Queen Mother.  The Hall where the reception was held to receive the Queen Mother was decorated with vases full of roses.  In the Hall I was given a seat by the side of a large vas full of beautiful white roses.  While the speeches were being made, I could hardly control my sneezing.  The Queen Mother  herself noticed it and a little while later a lady who was standing besides  the queen came to me and said that it was the roses that make me sneeze and got some one to find   me a seat else where.

In the evening just before tea the students of the Honourable Lincoln’s Inn were presented to the Queen Mother.  She was very kind and exchanged a few words with every one of us.  She asked me which country I am from, and when I told her that I am from Ceylon22 She said “Ah! That is from where we get our tea “I smiled in assent.

******

 Annie my friend in France helped me financially when I was doing the Law Finals. I could not share my time for studies with a regular employment.  When I informed Annie my predicament she decided to come to London and stay with me.  She found a job with the French Railways in London and that helped us live fairly well for what we were. She would spend sleepless nights helping me memorise the large number of cases in all subjects with facts and names of defendants. For that I am thankful to her.

One day Annie got a call from her home.  The telephone was on the ground floor. I was reading a book when she came crying into the room.  I held her in my arms and asked her what the matter was.  In between sobs she told me that her father had passed away.  I comforted her as much as I could.  We made arrangements for her to take train the following day to Paris.  I took her to the station.  I waited helplessly sad as the train moved away with Annie in tears.

I had to decide whether I am going to sit the Law Finals or not.  I had given four years to complete my Examinations. I knew I had at least a 90 percent chance of passing the Examination. Therefore I did not hesitate to sit for the finals when my time came. Company Law was my bête noire.  I was not surprised when I found that I had been referred in Company Law and Evidence to complete the Bar finals.  I redoubled my efforts and completed the Finals and was called to the English Bar in 1972 to the surprise of many of my friends who had been studying far longer than I, but they lacked the self confidence that I had.

I was overwhelmed with happiness.  I have achieved which I thought was impossible. My Ambassador His Excellency Sir Lalith Rajapakse’s son Bimal Rajapakse was sitting for the Barristers Examination and he had also been referred in a subject.  At the beginning Sir Lalitha Rajapakse wanted to help me with the Examinations and he gave me a few lessons in Roman Dutch Law.  When I visited him at his residence for tuition on Roman Dutch Law, I was invited to have lunch with his family after the lessons. Bimal would not stay on to talk, but would excuse himself that he had to study and would go to his room.

Sir Lalitha Rajapakse would tell me how difficult it is to pass the Barrister’s Examination and gave me several examples of highly qualified people who failed the Examination, or others who simply did not have the courage to pursue studies and gave up half way.  Bimal his son was a good student a graduate, and he had all comforts and freedom to attend to his studies, yet he was referred he told me.  He said that I should give second thoughts about the examination whether it is worth sacrificing four or five years of my time studying for an Examination the results of which could not be assured to be favourable, or get back to look after my aged mother.

I was thinking of all that now, and I was feeling proud that I had overcome doubts to become victorious.  Nothing is impossible I thought if one puts ones heart and determination into whatever undertaking   to ultimately vanquish all odds against one to come out the winner.  There was a time I wanted very much to do higher studies and enter a university.  But I hesitated because of the sacrifice my family will be called upon to make to see me through an academic education.  I was a witness to all the suffering my family had to go through, therefore it would have been too much for me to demand of them further sacrifice and more suffering.  I wanted in some way to contribute to their well being therefore chose to be employed.

My being called to the English Bar has in some way compensated for the yearning I had for higher studies.  But my inane sense of justice and faire play made me switch my obligation to place me at the disposal of my family, and  think of Annie who had  helped me to stay on in London and complete my studies at a time I had been cut off from my income by  the Government of Sri Lanka .  Hence my thoughts were about Annie who also made a sacrifice and put herself into inconvenience living with me with very limited comfort in an old studio in London.

My ambition I had realised, but what about hers.  Wasn’t she looking forward to share with me in my happiness and build a future together?

I telephoned Annie at her home in France.  She had not returned to London after her father’s funeral.  I told her that I have passed the Bar Finals and that I am to be called to the English Bar.  She said she is very happy for me and felicitated me profusely and asked me when I would be going back to Sri Lanka. 

Then I told her that I have decided not to go to Sri Lanka immediately, but before I decide to go I would like to know whether she would like to marry me.  I heard her sobbing at the other end; she was obviously shedding tears of joy.  Of course I am willing she said.  And that was how I planned my future life in France.  I informed Wesley Muthiah of my decision.  He knew what it is as he and Tencey too married under difficult circumstances, he being of a different Community from that of Tencey though they belonged to the same Church. And a happier couple than Wesley and Tencey I have still to meet.

I was called to the Bar and soon after I married, with my friend Annamalai, who was later assassinated by the LTTE terrorists in Sri Lanka, his Italian companion Carla, and Tissa Hapangamaaratchi as witnesses.

* * * * *

In London apart from my Studies, I took part in the activities of the London group of the Lanka Sama Samaja Party and occasionally went to the London Buddhist Vihara, where I met Venerable Saddhatissa Thero and met a few from the London Buddhist community who visited the temple on Sundays with their families to share    a meal together.  I met Sydney Atygalle, a well known singer from Sri Lanka.  I was one of his   fans.  He was also studying Law in London. I was told later that he died his ambition to do law unfulfilled.

My search for inner silence was still hibernating, but my visits to the Buddhist Temple in London were not regular.

Other than that I did not do any thing extraordinary in London. Studying for the Examination to be called to the English Bar was a full time “job” in itself, and passing it a great achievement. Nevertheless, I remembered the prophetic words of my friend Dharmawardhane with whom I worked in the Galle Kachcheri, who said when I told him that I am going abroad, “… please do not do the Barrister's Examination, most of the Sri Lankans who go to London do it, but do a course in cookery and become a Chef, you will be able to make lot of money with it.”

Later on I sometimes wondered why I did not follow his advice.

Annie had to leave soon after our marriage to France. She had a telephone call from a colleague in her Office in Air India where she was then working to inform her that the apartment she had leased in Paris where we were to live had caught fire.  She hurried back to see what had happened. In the mean time having had finished my “mission” for which I came to London I was getting ready to get back to France to start a family life.

All that time I had been an “illegal immigrant” in UK which aspect to which I had not given a thought.  I went on a tourist visa and stayed on to do my studies.  At no time during my stay did any one ask me for my passport or my residence visa, not even the London County Council where I worked.

It was only during my departure from London in the hovercraft taking me to France that my passport was checked, and the Immigration Officer found that I had no endorsement of residence. Before I could give an explanation the English friend of mine who was with me stepped in and said that he is a British subject and that he knows me well and that I am a Barrister who is leaving UK to go back to his country Sri Lanka.  The Customs Officer listened to him and without a word signed the relevant documents, handed over my passport, and wished me well.

* * * * *

I arrived in Paris in the evening. The taxi driver took me to the address where our apartment was located. It was on the last floor of the building. There was no lift. I walked up the stairs and knocked on the door of the apartment.  Annie opened the door.  She was happy to see me.  She had been taking a soup in candle light.  There is no electricity she told me.   A person occupying another apartment on the same floor had gone to sleep while he was smoking. The lighted cigarette had fallen on to the pillow and burnt through it resulting in a conflagration, fortunately only the roof of our apartment was burnt. The land lord had put up a makeshift plastic roof, and electricity had been cut off.

That was a bad start. But these are accidents in life which we have to face with fortitude.

Subsequently, when I started working again in France, I was a man with more responsibilities. I was married and “naturally” had little time for religious activities. My time had to be shared between my work and my home. My wife, who was working with the Indian Air Lines, joined the Iran Air Ways.  Her work in Air Line Companies had the advantage of free travel, which we used extensively.   We went to India and Sri Lanka several times.  Then to Ivory Coast, Senegal, Kenya, Iran, Egypt, Tunisia, Morocco, Greece, Rome, Canada, New York, Thailand, Brazil, Portugal, Spain and Denmark .

          That opened us to the world, where we met different people of different cultures.  I personally enjoyed the contact I had with the ordinary people of the countries we visited.  That was a very enriching experience of human relationships, without national, cultural, or religious barriers. But I found most of the Western tourist we often travelled with was egoist, proud, unsociable, unfriendly racists trying to be a different creed.

We enjoyed greatly our visit to Brazil.  The people were very friendly, taking life easy, enjoying it with a good measure of fun and frolic, in an uncomplicated lightness of living.  It was after returning from Brazil that Annie announced that we may have an addition to our family. So eventually on the 12 of August, 1978 Annie gave birth to a lovely baby- a son and that completed our happiness. I had the added privilege of seeing my son being born, though unfortunately the baby being big he refused to struggle out himself.  Therefore the Doctor had to use the forceps and I had to move outside, and missed the moment of his arrival.  But the cries of pain of my wife signalled the arrival of the baby.

We took life more seriously now that we had to take care of  our little son.  He was a joy to our life and a pleasant occupation for my mother-in-law, and Alain my brother- in- law who adored him.  The baby’s every move gave us immense pleasure.  He was very talkative in his own baby language and we did not stop taking photos and recording his baby talk. He was a bundle of joy, laughing, giggling repeating meaningless sounds and enjoying himself.

We now wanted a house of our own.  We had bought an apartment in a housing complex, and had to put up with French neighbours. Some of them turned out to be the worst neighbours one could have.  It was easy to see through their shell of haughty respectability the emptiness of any cultural refinement.  May be we did not have the fortune to have  as neighbours more educated and flashy  people of the French society, but having hobnobbed with some of that class  as tourists at different holiday resorts we found that the French were the worst tourists you could meet abroad, and  the worst of neighbours you may have back at home.

* * * * *

The search of inner silence was not completely over, despite the novelty of the life that I was then leading.  I read Jiddu Krishnamurti.  When ever I was in an English speaking country in our frequent travels, I did not miss an opportunity to drop in at bookshops, where I often bought a book by Krishnamurti.  He was a mystic, a man with a different philosophy.  He gave up every thing having had the good fortune to have every thing lavished on him. He taught his listeners to understand life by questioning themselves rather than expecting him to tell them what it is.  He did not teach but posed questions to his audience allowing them to probe within to understand the problems to which they seek solutions.

Every thing is subject to change, so is the working life.  I had reached the age when I had to give my place to another and stop my professional carrier.  I started working when I was 19 years of age.  My working life which started in the government service of Sri Lanka took me from Kandy in the Central Province to Galle in the Southern Province and back to Matale in the hills, then to Colombo the Capital of Sri Lanka, from where I came abroad to France, and from there to London where I became a Barrister at Law, and back to France where I worked for an International Organisation-the UNESCO, and finally retired as an International Civil Servant.

Though I had known that I would be retiring on a given day, when I finally stopped work to stay at home, I missed terribly that professional environment, the faces, the social engagements, and the familiar noises of the work place.  I could not support that enforced silence, the lonely existence, my wife leaving home for work, my son in School , living alone without the prospect of going back to work for the first time since I started my working life.  I became moody, quarrelsome and depressive.  I saw my doctor and for the first time I was prescribed sleeping tablets, and antidepressants.  

I had enough of living on tablets and gave up taking them, and my poor wife who had to support that sudden hopeless turn of events proposed that I take   a vacation in Sri Lanka.  I accepted her proposition. 

* * * * *

 I was back home in Sri Lanka in January, 1995.  That was to find a means to settle my emotional disturbance a sort of retirement blues.  But in reality it turned out to be a serious search for inner silence from the search of which I had deviated since I left Sri Lanka, back in 1964.

I had decided to spend one week at Nilambe Meditation Centre, with my friend late Godwin Samararatne.  Nilambe Meditation Centre is a few miles away from Kandy.  My friend was ready to accommodate me, and asked me to take the bus to Galaha, at the Kandy bus station, ask for a ticket to the Bungalow junction and from their walk up the un-tarred state road meandering through lush tea plants right up to the top, it takes about 45 minutes to reach the Centre. 

After my round of visits to my brothers and the environment of my childhood, I made my way to the Nilambe Meditation Centre.  I arrived at the Centre around 12 noon. Coming by bus and walking up the hill in the hot sun was tiring.  I had lunch at the Centre and slept in the room behind the Meditation-Hall, which my friend had prepared for me. 

     Meditating at the Nilambe Meditation Centre

The room I was given was a small rectangular room painted white. On the two inner sides one adjacent to the other there were two raised cemented platforms covered with thin mats of coconut fibre, which served as beds. On the longer sides of the rectangle above the cemented platform which served as a bed was a small square window covered with a metal net to keep away the mosquitoes.  By the side of the window was a small book shelf with a few books. On the side at the entrance was a small wooden table with a candle on its improvised stand.  On the side opposite the window was the large wooden door which gave on to a narrow corridor, one end leading to the meditation Hall and the other to the Kitchen and the garden outside. Its austere comfort and its simplicity were reposeful. It was convenient being next door to the Meditation Hall.

I got up and went down to a building outside where bathing facilities are provided and had a shower.  Thereafter I was fresh to start a serious meditation session. The meditation hall was a stone structure with a tiled roof. Its wooden ceiling as well as the plastered inside walls were painted white. The Hall itself was large and rectangular in shape. On three sides of it were raised cemented platforms covered with thin mats with round cushions for the yogis to sit. Facing the three raised cemented platforms where the yogis sat on their cushions to meditate was a raised carpeted wooden stage the centre of which served as the shrine room, with a white statue of a seated Buddha. 

There were stands on either side of the statue to light candles and burn sticks of incense. On the left hand side of the platform close to the entrance to the Hall a large cushion had been placed for the Meditation teacher.  He sat on it to conduct the meditation sessions, and in the evening for Dhamma talks and the discussion that followed it.

In the well of the Hall covered with floor mats the yogis did their walking meditation. On the long wall on the left hand side of the entrance are four glass-paned windows.  On the wall hung little paintings of flowers and framed sayings of the Buddha relevant to meditation. I sat in this Hall along with the other meditators for meditation sessions according to the daily schedule:

6 January, 1995

I sat for three hours of meditation. 

“A position to sit for meditation should be comfortable, and enable the yogi to sit in meditation for a long period of time, without discomfort and without frequent shifting of the body. The correct position to take is the half lotus position, with the bent left leg placed on the ground and the right leg upon it, with the right knee resting on the left foot and the right foot on the left knee.  There is no crossing, only a bending of legs in this position……or if preferred on a straight backed chair of a height that allows the legs to be placed on the floor without strain…….the body should be kept erect but not rigidly stiff or tense   The head should be slightly bent and the gaze should gently (not rigidly) rest where it naturally falls in that position……..( or eyes may be kept lightly closed)….there should be no holding  or stopping of the breath no deliberate deepening nor attempts to force it into a definite time rhythm…….follow the natural flow of the breath mindfully and continuously, without a break or without  unnoticed breaks.  The point where one should fix one’s attention is the nostrils against which the breathing air strikes and one should not leave that part of observation, because here one can easily check the entry and exit of the breadth.”23.

It was painful and uncomfortable trying to keep my back strait, while sitting with my legs folded in front. But the physical effort itself to keep the back erect and upright without additional support energises the meditation practice. I had to get used to this meditative posture as it is important to take a comfortable position, as each sitting lasted one hour or more.  Thereafter one should try to remain motionless, until the end of each session.  However, any movement absolutely necessary during the course of the sitting should be made mindfully.

“When sitting for meditation we are told to close the eyes, not to look at any thing else, because now we are going to look directly at the mind.  When we close our eyes, our attention comes inwards.  We establish our attention  on the breath, centre our feelings there, put our mindfulness there…………When we are sitting in meditation , following the breath , think to yourself  that now you are sitting alone.  There is no one sitting around you, there is none at all.  Develop this feeling that you are sitting alone until the mind lets go of all externals concentrating solely on the breath……. Let the breath go naturally, don’t force it to be long or short or whatever, just sit and watch it going in and out.  When the mind lets go of all external impressions, the sounds of cars and such will not disturb you……….  If the mind is confused  and will not concentrate on the breath, take a full deep breath, as deep as you can  and then let it all out  till there is none left.  Do this three times and then re-establish attention.  The mind will become calm……..It is natural for it to be calm for a while, and then restlessness and confusion may arise again.  When this happens, concentrate, breathe deeply again, and re-establish your attention on the breath just keep on going like this.” 24 

It is an ordeal for a beginner, but with a few sittings the discomfort could be overcome. “There will be moments when the mind wanders off.  You will start to think of something. At this time, watch the mind!  Be aware that you are thinking, note the thought silently with the verbal label “thinking, thinking” and come back to the (breath)……..if a loud sound arises during your meditation, consciously direct your attention toward that sound as soon as it arises.  Be aware of the sound as a direct experience, and also identify it silently with the soft, internal verbal label “hearing, hearing”. When the sound fades and is no longer predominant, come back to the (breath).  ………..Mental objects appear to present  a bewildering  diversity, but actually they fall into just a few clear categories such as, thinking, imagining, remembering, planning, and visualising………Labelling technique helps us  to perceive clearly the   actual qualities of our experience, without getting immersed in the content……In meditation we seek  a deep, clear, precise awareness of the mind and body. This direct awareness shows us the truth about our lives, the actual nature of mental and physical processes.”25

I made the mistake of keeping my back against the wall making the wall a support to hold my back in position.  The Meditation Teacher watched my discomfort in sympathy encouraged me to continue despite the discomfort.  He later asked me not to lean my back against the wall when sitting for meditation.

7 January, 1995

Nilambe Meditation Centre is more oriented for training foreigners-coming from Europe, America and South Asia. There were about 12 western meditators and an equal number of locals. The Centre is situated in a very peaceful surrounding on the top of a hill. On the north east of it is forest land, and down below the tea plantations.  While on the other side a precipice, below which is another tea plantation. The hill tops are capped with tall dark green pine trees. Beyond that there is range after range of mountains encircling the Meditation Centre, fading in to the distant blue horizon. On a clear night Adams Peak the second highest mountain could be seen.  There is an estate road winding up the hill to the Centre.  A reservoir of water on the top of the hill provides pipe-water. The night wind blows noisily among the trees. The owls, rats and rodents, foxes, wildcats, and porcupines claim the surrounding land.  There is no electricity; which contributes to keep the place natural and sacred.  Meditating in the night, in dim candlelight, surrounded by the noises of the nature provide the correct atmosphere-for the search of inner silence in profound meditation.

The day begins in Nilambe with the call of myriad of wild birds welcoming the dawn with their piercing-calls and incessant chirping, taken up by chattering of squirrels chasing each other from branch to branch. This cacophony of sounds ceases all of a sudden marked by a moment of pin-drop silence, and then it begins all over again reminding the yogis of impermanence. 

As the evening approaches the fluffy tropical clouds gather over the blue mountain ranges at the distant horizon  changing  their shapes and colour in rapid succession.  The sun discards its heat and changes into a soft glowing crimson  disk and the clouds at different distances reflecting  its  glowing crimson change their colour from crimson to orange , yellow to purple, then  to lovely mixtures transforming the sky in to the distant  horizon to a fiesta of colours. 

The birds begin to fly away to their nests calling out their noisy good byes to each other. As the crimson disc descends slowly towards the now purplish mountain range a cool breeze begins to blow, swaying the branches of the straight and purposeful tall trees around the nearer side of the hills. As the sun makes its final bow the cold breeze hums as it swishes among the pine trees on the hills like a great crowd sighing in unison.

Then like a curtain the shroud of darkness falls.  The calls of birds and the noises of the day end, allowing noises of the night to begin.  Nights are colder unless disturbed by the unexpected tropical rains, and the sky is a fantasy of starry- lights.

The building complex that houses the Meditation Centre consists of 12 to 14 buildings- the meditation hall, library, kitchen, individual and collective  living quarters. The Centre is run by a Teacher in charge, who conducts the meditation sessions for the Europeans, and an assistant who occupies the Locals. There are three cooks who prepare the early morning cups of tea, breakfast, lunch, and afternoon tea. In the evening soya coffee and unsweetened Sri Lanka biscuits are served before the last gathering of the yogis in the Hall for a discussion on a subject selected by the teacher.  After the discussions the yogis break-up to continue their meditation in their living quarters, in the Hall or retire to beds according to their choice. Meals provided are exclusively vegetarian.

The environment and the atmosphere in Nilambe are ideal for Meditation.  The daily programme is displayed outside the Meditation Hall.  Strictly following the Programme a meditator does a minimum of eight hours of meditation a day.  There are no specific periods of meditation outside the daily schedule; one can meditate as long as one wants.

The collective meditation sessions are fixed for one or one and half hours each. A meditator may continue to meditate after the “gong” signalling the close of the meditation session, in the hall, in the living quarters, or in the forest until the sound of the next “gong” is heard, to resume the next activity.

The Meditation Teacher Godwin Samararatne is kind and gentle. His face lightens with a friendly smile to welcome any one who approaches him.  He listens and solves any problem presented to him wisely and calmly. While talking to a yogi who consults him he keeps his eyes closed. He likes making jokes, which are often pun on words used by his interlocutor, and closes his face with his long fingered hand as he chuckles over his own joke.

I have known him for over thirty years.  He does not make any discrimination between a friend, and another who he meets for the first time.  He treats every body alike with his easy gentle way. He does not use strict authority in running the Centre. He respects individual freedom while encouraging yogis with gentle persuasion to follow diligently the meditation sessions, to benefit from the meditation in search of which they have come.

The theme for meditation at the Centre is loving kindness (Metta).  This is emphasised throughout the course of instructions and group discussions. The waking up time at the Centre is 4.45 a.m. and the day ends at 21hours 30 in the evening.

8 January 1995

I started my first sitting at 3 a.m. At that time of the day it is still dark and cold.  Often it drizzles making the morning chilly and wet.  I changed into a white shirt and a white ‘sarong’- a lungi (cloth tied round the waist which falls up to the ankles).  I rinsed my mouth, and washed my face with ice cold water from the tap. That makes me wake up quickly.

I went to the Meditation Hall and lit the candles beside the statue of the Buddha.  I sat on a cushion and started to meditate and I would have the hall for two hours all for myself, before the collective meditation session begins at 5 a.m.

Though the mornings are cold and humid, the thermometer can rise to 45 or more by mid-day.  After lunch there is a long break before the next session which starts at 1.30 p.m .That session is the most difficult as all types of flies and insects  stake their claim to the space in the hall, and the uncovered hands and faces of motionless meditators watching their breath make their ideal landing grounds. 

Their habit of sitting on the tip of the nose and attempting to investigate the environment is a constant disturbance. The space between the roof and the ceiling of the meditation hall is the living quarters of a community of rats. They race up and down in their private abode making an intolerable noise, which however trains the yogis in patience, to maintain undisturbed mental concentration in continued meditation despite the noise and disturbance.

I kept all the meditation sessions with determination, and slept well happy with my noble effort (samma vayama)

9 January, 1995-

Last night I had to share the room with another yogi. He disturbed me, and I gave up my attempts to meditate before sleeping, but it took a long time to fall asleep. And this morning I was late to get up.  I did not even hear the gong. I was blaming myself for this lapse. 

During the working meditation hour I opted to wash the toilets and the bathroom. That was a punishment I imposed on my-self for being late to get up in the morning and missing the meditation session. After cleaning the toilets I cleaned myself and did about an hour of walking meditation.

About walking meditation it is said that this “practice of mindful walking is ……. highly recommendable both as a method of concentration and as a source of Insight. It may therefore be practiced in its own right, and not only as a ‘change of posture’ for relieving fatigue.”  26  

Walking meditation consists of paying attention to the walking process. If you are moving fairly rapidly, make a mental note of the movement of the legs, “left, right, left, right” and be aware of the sensations in the feet and the legs.  If you are moving more slowly, note the lifting, moving forward and placing of each foot. In each case you must try to keep your mind just on the sensation of the movement. Notice what physical processes occur when you stop at the end of the path, when you stand still, when you turn and begin walking again.  Do not watch your feet unless this becomes necessary due to some obstacle on the ground. It is not helpful to hold the image of a foot in your mind while you are trying to be aware of sensations.  You should focus on the sensations, and be aware of them, as they are not visible.  For many people it is a fascinating discovery when they are able to have a pure, bare perception of physical sensations such as lightness, cold, and warmth. I maintained silence and mindfulness through out the day. 

10 January, 1995-

This night I slept well. I was up early in the morning.  I went to the Meditation Hall, lit the candles before the statue of the Buddha, paid my respect to Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha and started meditating at 3.30 a.m. I had severe pain around the hips. The pain was unbearable. Nevertheless I continued to meditate, but gave up after 45 minutes.   

It was only at the 9 a.m  meditation session that I felt relieved from the unbearable hip pains I had in the morning.  It was as if the pain which I had made the object of meditation in the early morning session of 45 minutes that seemed to have made my mindfulness more effective. I could watch the rising of thoughts and their passing away.  The pains did not interfere to distract my attention from the primary object of meditation-the breadth.  I felt a deep sense of calm which I had never experienced before.  That formidable quietude of mind lasted only during that session.

Thereafter, my sittings were satisfactory.  I could keep my mind effortlessly on the breath as it went in and came out.  The breadth it-self, which was thick and heavy at the beginning, is now light, and almost imperceptible.

11 January, 1995-

I feel a remarkable change within me.  I got up at 3 a.m. I washed myself and was at the hall meditating at 4.45 a.m.  I met a local meditator, who gave me many useful hints on meditation. I was still keeping my back against the wall when meditating and this local meditator asked me to stop it at once.  At the next meditation session I did as he said.  It worked but gave me an excruciating pain in my back. 

Before I retired to sleep, I went through a retrospection of my day’s activities and I was happy that my meditation practice had been successful through out the day despite the pain at the last session. The success in meditation is observed not in being able to sit long, but in one's mental changes, the way one begins to react to pain , emotions, and  in contact with others.  It is in the tolerance, acceptance, understanding, and compassion one sees success in meditation.

12 January, 1995

I got up at 3 a.m. I was neither sleepy nor tired.  I was looking forward to the Meditation sittings. The pains don’t seem to affect me so much. I successfully completed the day’s meditation sessions and maintained mindfulness. The experience is more than what I expected. Meditation improves mindfulness.  If one is mindful the mind does not move away to plan, to think, or initiate harmful actions. It remains attentive to the present moment.

13 January, 1995

Every thing is impermanent so are the meditation sessions.  I have to leave to day. I do so reluctantly. Never before did I think that with all the pains and aches I had, I would be able to sit an hour watching the thoughts as they arose and passed away in the mind. This one-week of meditation experience gave me new hope and opened me to new horizons.  It was an impetus to continue meditation applying it as far as I can in my daily activity.

After that period of meditation my anxiety and the "after retirement blues" had changed.  I was feeling happy and fulfilled.  I was looking forward to return to my family in France.  When I returned home to France I felt I was mentally strong to meet what ever psychological problems I may have to face in my life as a retiree.  I of course had to keep myself occupied.  In the environment of a French home I have still to see whether I could accommodate daily meditation. In the meantime I have to find ways to keep my available free time as a retiree well occupied.

I had no special talents.  I could neither sing nor dance.  I was not a sportsman.  I cannot even swim despite my many attempts to do so, even after taking lessons in swimming.  I was not much of a handyman either.

But I remember as a student I could draw fairly well.  I had even used water colours. I did not pursue those activities after leaving school.  But when I was in France I began drawing and making sketches for my pleasure.  Whenever we were on vacation not being able to swim I sat out side the swimming pools or on the beach and made sketches of people.  I had even taken to painting in a small way.  Therefore I think it was natural I turned to painting as a pastime activity in my retirement.

I tried to use oils, water colour, and pastel. Of the three I found painting in pastel fascinating. I liked its glowing attractive colours and the facility of its use. My wife’s friend Claudine Delaunay was a painter.  I asked her to show me how to use pastel s.  We did a painting together.  That was the start of my being a painter. I painted figures and objects.  Very soon I had a collection of about 40 paintings most of them in pastel and a few in mixed media.

It was then that I conceived the idea of exhibiting my paintings. I had a very successful exhibition of my paintings at the UNESCO Head Quarter in Paris.  Of the 40 paintings I presented. I sold 35 of them.  I became an “acclaimed” artist!  There were requests for me to make another exhibition of my paintings. Organisers of painting exhibitions in the Commune in France where I lived invited me to submit my paintings for their exhibitions.  

My paintings were thus exhibited in many art galleries in France.  However, after my successful exhibition of paintings my interest in painting waned.  But, my painting experience was not in vain for it helped me to understand that I had other talents, which opened my mind to the fact that an effort in the right direction could revive latent abilities what ever they are.

Most of the time the lack of that effort makes us waste our time doing things which are boring, and uninteresting merely to satisfy social or family demands.  But now I wanted to do something other than painting.  But it has to be some thing about which I have a certain knowledge which could be developed through confidence in me. Hence I turned to Buddhism.

I became a member of many internet Forums on Buddhism.  Having had practical experience in meditation, I was able to answer many questions on the teachings of the Buddha posed by the members of these Forums.  I read more books on Buddhism so that my posts to the Buddhist forums were more factual, and correct interpretation of the teachings. I had many encouraging comments on my posts made by many of the Forum Members.

But I also came across Buddhist Forums in the internet which are not conducted by experienced meditators, and hence had the difficulty of communicating on meditation experiences with them.  Despite their good knowledge of the Sutta Pitaka- the discourses of the Buddha, they were unable to understand meditation experiences.  They often become critical of the experiences as impossible and imaginary.  I left some of these Forums for that reason.

I begin to wonder whether I have come somewhere close in my search for Inner Silence, which I began many years ago. I sometimes feel that there is some thing lacking to make a success of the search of inner silence.

The periods of mental silence in meditation along with a serene sense of fulfilment is temporary, and the mind silent in meditation could soon be filled with noisy vagaries. The noise and silence are interconnected with one obviously following the other.  That constant change is the underlying truth of impermanence (anicca) which brings along with it unsatisfactoriness (dukkha), and the sense of the absence of a self- an individual (anatta) to control thoughts and emotions

In the search of inner silence, meditation plays a vital role, and I was planning to return to Sri Lanka once again for another meditation retreat with my friend Godwin Samararatne.

CHAPTER FOUR

At the Nilambe Meditation CENTRE FOR ANOTHER search FOR THE EVASIVE Silence.

27 February, 1997

Once again in Nilambe-amoung a group of Meditators predominantly European.  At the close of the day the discussion was on "being a friend to oneself ". 

The discussion was lead by the Meditation Teacher Godwin.  We are in the habit of paying attention to our short comings, bad qualities to the exclusion of our good qualities.  It is important that while we highlight our bad qualities we do not forget the good, said the teacher and he continued….

We must extend this demonstration of the existence of both good and bad qualities in us in dealing with others.  For instance when reprimanding children for their faults we must not fail to give credit to their good actions.

One should be a friend to oneself.  It is only then that one can extend to others vibrations of metta, which is the all pervading loving kindness.

With those words Godwin closed the day’s meditation session.

I slept in the hall.  I was tired having taken the bus and walked up to the Centre in the hot sun.   I had written one month before my arrival for a room and when I arrived no rooms were available.  I was very concerned about my noisy snoring, not wanting to be a disturbance to another I was looking forward to having a room for myself.  But unfortunately the following day I was to share a room with a German man.  I confessed to him my problem.

I wanted to be independent but unfortunately it was not to be.  Thus I was a little disappointed from the beginning. There were also far too many European meditators to my liking. I had a poor opinion of the European meditators from those I had met the previous time I was in Nilambe.  I wondered whether they were really in search of a spiritual development, or after a cheap holiday.  I had come from Europe to be with my people not to fall among the complicated European meditators.

Their claim to be vegetarians was a sham for some went on Sundays to Kandy to have bacon and eggs. One of them told me so.  When they are bored with meditation they go to Galle and spend a week at the Unawatuna Rest House.

However, as I had made my choice I did not want to go back on it.  I decided to do my best in meditation in search of which I had come. I know I should not have "opinions" when coming to meditate.

28 February, 1997

I was up very early in the morning.  I started meditating around 3 am. I had a local meditator who wanted to meditate along with me early in the morning as I did. It was good to have some one else meditating in the Hall in the silence of the still dark morning. 

The dhamma talk to-day conducted by the Meditation teacher Godwin was on relating to emotions such as sadness, anger, hatred, jealousy, shame, pride and revenge.

One is aware of these emotions when they are present.  In their absence no attention is paid to these emotions to understand what they are.  If allowed to go unchecked emotions can cause considerable damage to oneself and those around.  In meditation one must watch the emotions as they arise, without reacting to them paying bare attention.  The tools to handle these emotions are:

1.      be aware of them

2.      investigate their relation to persons

                    Or things

3.      merely watch them without labelling

4.      see the mind without these emotions

5.      understand that they are impermanent

6.      think of the sadness (dukkha) it can

cause if unchecked.

Turn these adverse emotions into creative expression of the particular emotion rather than allow the manifestation of its destructive aspect.

At times one has to assert.  Like the snake that meditated and suffered being used unwittingly by a woman as a rope to tie her bundle of firewood, which was because it did not hiss to show it was a snake.

1 March, 1997

Dhamma discussion was a continuation of previous nights subject- thoughts and emotions.

It appeared to me that the cacophony that followed the teacher’s question, “what are thoughts?” was an attempt to explain something incorrectly understood and a subject matter to which those intervened had not given much thought. 

The Priest present among the meditators made an acceptable comment but he did not go far enough to explain thoughts.

The teacher intervened to explain how a single thought could be expanded ad infinitum and how they could be made a subject of meditation. One meditator spoke of the attachment he had for his thoughts and how much the thought-watching fascinated him. Thus when he was told to watch the, “in and out” breath he found it utterly boring, but as he continued, he found the breadth watching far more interesting than the thought-watching.

A young American  Student writing a thesis on Oriental Meditation and  peace (or some such subject) contradicted the previous speaker, thoughts he said are certainly more important in life why speak only about the bad thoughts, when you speak of compassion, those thoughts are  certainly worth watching  and  he for one has a fascination for his thoughts.

An English meditator then beamed his intellectual light on the group- spoke of sampajjana and vitakka; he of course disagreed with the previous speaker-the thought watcher.  The thoughts, when you keep on watching he said is like a regurgitating cow –same thoughts keep coming again and again until they bore you.

At this precise moment (either in agreement or disagreement) a cricket chirped. A young woman meditator Kasha drew the attention of the group to the ‘Chirp’.  That she said assertively is a thought.  A meditator from Argentina in pyjamas protested.  That he said is a sound, and that sound makes you think of a cricket and that was the thought.  He was not very much off the mark.

The Priest then wanted to know what the Sri Lankan meditators thought about thoughts.  There was a silence.  Evidently they had nothing to contribute to this profound discussion.

The teacher silently watched as the meditators continued the discussion.

3 March, 1997

The foreign meditators were yoga enthusiasts.  They did not miss a single yoga session though I noticed many skipping the meditation sessions. Some of them wore badges indicating they are observing silence, but they spoke amoung themselves and when locals approached them they showed them the “badge of silence”.  The best way to avoid speaking to the inquisitive locals is the “badge of silence”

When feeling ill, it is the body that is ill and the mind only notices the ailment of the body and the pains. The fatigue and bodily discomfort demand rest and repose, the mind gives into this biological need. 

I sat for the morning meditation session and was helplessly and hopelessly in pain.  I had a sore throat and rheumatic pains in the back. The knees and ankles were unbearably painful. There seemed to be no space in me that was spared from pain. Never before had I been trying to keep my posture and meditate in such severe pain as it was that day. 

But suddenly I became aware that more I was giving into pain, more painful it was.  The mind had become a prisoner of the intense pain and it seemed that the pain had stopped the thoughts arising in the mind. Therefore the mind was absolutely silent amidst that pain, clear and luminous. It was as if the mind was taking care of the pain while I was being aware of that luminous silent pulsating mind.  It was wonderful; I went easily through the one hour of meditation session. The pain did not disturb me.

At 5.30 pm every evening all meditators watch the sun set. It is a splendid sight.  From that hill top in Nilambe, one sees the mountains stretch out into the horizon as far as the eyes can see.  The tropical clouds gather in the sky forming multitudes of figures in their fluffy layers.  As the sun commences its descent in the horizon it is a crimson disk, and the clouds around it blush in different shades from red to grey.  Idea in watching the sun is to be one with the nature!

I was alone watching the setting crimson disk of the sun.  All the clouds had taken different shades from crimson red, to purple and grey.  The sun was sinking fast amoung and beyond the clouds in to the blue mountain range.  As I watched standing on the hillside far beyond and all around me was this magnificent light which projected right from where I was standing far into the clouds. I felt my body shifting from the rigid standing position to become loose and relaxed.  After that moment of relaxation there seemed to be nothing just emptiness, there was only the singing of birds, rustling of the branches of the trees in the blowing wind, and the light. 

I may have stayed there for some time. It was   as if I was coming out of a momentary loss of memory when I realised that I was standing there. The sun had disappeared into the mountain range, and it was getting dark.  I had been for an instant one with that which I was watching.  I felt so light and enwrapped in the joy of inner happiness.

If I were to have admired the scene of the setting sun with its play of colours, the clouds, the mountains, the trees, the birds and the wind joining in for the days closing symphony of sounds, beauty  and charm, I would have been  a person created by thoughts enjoying  the fabulous beauty of the nature. 

But, if I were to have seen and listened without getting involved with the enjoyment of the nature’s beauty before my eyes, just “seeing”, then there would have been no barrier between the setting sun and me.  Then I become a part of it neither the observer nor the observed. It is this sense of I and Me that bars one from becoming one with what one sees.  Be it   when watching the setting sun, or as a matter of fact listening to a piece of music, or in anything else.

That is to say, that it is in the elimination of this notion of self- “I”, “me”, and “mine” that one allows the mind the freedom to soar into “empty silence”

The discussion this night was on Meditation- Godwin began the Dhamma talk.  In Buddhist term-Bhavana is to end suffering. There are many types of Meditation:

1.                          on breath

2.                          without a particular object- 

    “Choiceless ” awareness,

3.                          Thoughts as an object.

4.                          Sounds

5.                          Rising and falling of the stomach

6.                          Sweeping meditation –

Kayanupassana

7.                         Loving kindness

The last is the meditation on loving kindness, the method followed in this Centre, where you send out vibrations of gentleness, kindliness, friendliness to all beings without exception.

Have no images; accept everyone as he or she is. Have no opinions. You are not the only one to have opinions.  Give pluses as much as you give minuses.  You must take the blindness away and try to see reality.  The seven blind men who wanted to « see » an elephant ended up in a quarrel of which none of them knew the truth.

The greatest teacher is life itself. All conflicts result from the readiness to accept our own opinion as correct without looking at a problem as a whole. Each one can give an opinion-like the oracles of the old, but whose opinion is correct? Not necessarily that of one’s own

One must extend boundless compassion to all beings.

Labelling is also a way of meditating.

Then Godwin spoke about the meditation method in Nilambe.  He says he some how likes the confusion that reins here.  Abroad the retreats he attended at many Meditation Centres were different.  They were really well organised. When it comes to the delivering of the talk, a subject is given, also a clock to enable the speaker to see that he keeps within the time allotted.  However, here in Nilambe there is no such subject given before neither hand, nor a clock to keep the time. But some how the confusion in Sri Lanka is preferable, because through this confusion something profound comes out.

4 March, 1997

Godwin the Meditation teacher has gone to Kandy. 

I had already meditated in the morning.  I had taken a bath despite the signs of an oncoming cold.  I seem to have relaxed out of the meditative mood.  I talked.  Meditation in the warm afternoon has its short comings-the flies.  I was getting on well with my meditation when a fly having sat all over my face several times decided to get right into my nostril. Mara-the God of death, I thought. 

Today’s meditation was very much disturbed.  There were also discursive thoughts that rose continuously about my likes and dislikes.  I seem to have lot of anger, pride and impatience.  I determined to go on with my meditation, the purpose for which I have come here.

To-day’s talk was by an Italian meditator on the situation in the East of Sri Lanka where there is a "conflict» between the terrorists and the Government.  I did not go.  But I was told that he had posed the question ‘How can meditation help in these situations?’  The question is irrelevant in the context of meditation.  The conflicts in the world are caused through attachment, aversion and delusion. Meditation is an individual effort to shed these destructive mental forces to find freedom from suffering in the cycle of deaths and births.  How meditation could help in such circumstances in relation to the question, is perhaps to train individuals to understand the causes of conflicts and spread the word of Dhamma to the world to resort to calm discussion in the face of conflicts rather than take to arms.

The UNO was setup for that very purpose, to start calm discussions and negotiate peace to settle conflicts between Nations, but today the very same institution is abused by the powerful Member States to manipulate it to settle conflicts through their own military might the NATO- which is an intergovernmental Military Alliance.  Therefore if there is any one who talks seriously of world peace he should first demand the dismantling of NATO.   NATO contradicts the UNO and its Charter, and has no place in a world seeking Unity amoung Nations and peace in the world.  NATO spells force and subjugation of Nations by the signatories to it under the North Atlantic Treaty signed on 4 April, 1949.   It is said that the combined military spending of all NATO members constitute 70 percent of the worlds defence spending.

Under these circumstances, how can a man with common sense understand that USA stopped its contribution to the budget of UNESCO for accepting Palestine as a Member State? Such a blind act bars an International Organising from its contribution to the peace of the world, development and progress of developing nations.

5March, 1997
Started Meditation from 2.30 a.m.  From then up to 16 hours I had done nine and a half hours of meditation!  At the 9.30 a.m meditation session I sat for two and a half hours.  It was the first time that I sat so long.  I was completely relaxed and happy.  14.30 sessions began with a certain amount of disturbance of the mind.  I was not well and was suffering from an unbearable pain inside the shoulder blade.  I tried to calm my mind diligently watching my breath as it came in and went out; and listened to the sound of birds, squirrels, blowing of the wind and footsteps of the walking meditators. The mind as it keeps watching the moment to moment sounds in the “immediate present” stops thoughts from arising.  It could be made to be the same with pain.

The mind was watching the pain in my shoulder blade.  The pain at one stage was so acute I could feel tears well in my eyes. As the mind watched “the pain” I see a yellow line appearing in side the muscles tracing the area around the pain.   The tracing covered the whole area where the pain was and suddenly it disappeared, and the pain with it!  Am I imagining or what……..How amazing ………………..No one would believe it!

The discussion in the absence of Godwin was on, how meditation has so far helped us?  My neighbour broached the question of my snoring, without knowing my presence in the hall.  When Godwin is absent I normally keep away from evening discussions.  It was the meditator in pyjamas from Argentina.   He was tired and wanted to sleep, but it was impossible, the neighbour, he said, was snoring so loud, not a little, but really loud.  He was angry.  Then he reflected on anger and watched the sound of snoring.  After sometime he was able to support it He went to sleep.  Now the snoring does not disturb him. That was good news for me!!!

6 March, 1997

I was up at 1.30 a.m.   I started meditating from 2 a.m.  The thoughts were confused. It was all about attachment and lust.  The Meditation was not satisfactory.  But then that is the way of all things, nothing is the same all the time.

That evening there was a certain tension I noticed amoung the Western Meditators.  In fact I observed that when ever Godwin is absent they were more relaxed talking in groups amoung themselves. I heard often the criticism of the place and improvements since their taking over the Management. Whenever they see a local coming to the Centre they look surreptitiously and whispered amoung themselves.  All that irritated me. That night Godwin told me that he wanted to speak on loving kindness. As the meditation session was over and the meditators prepared to leave the hall I spoke.

I said that there are conflicts every where in the world (they were talking the previous day about conflicts in Sri Lanka, despite Buddhism and Meditation).  We have it in our families and some times amoung ourselves in this Centre too.  We as meditators should be aware of these conflicts.  Meditation should not be confined to sitting on the cushion watching thoughts.  We should start our loving kindness here around us and carry the torch of peace and goodwill to our homes and friends.  I then invited Godwin to talk to us on Loving Kindness.

Godwin was apparently not happy about what I said. He does not like to irritate the sensibility of the Western meditators.  He repeated thereafter to every one about the bonus Dhamma talk.  He was trying to mollify any bad feelings amoung the European meditators caused by my uncalled for Bonus Dhamma talk.  But I was glad that I said what was in my mind.

7 March, 1997

I was up at 3 a.m Meditation to-day was very satisfactory.  I seem to be learning more every day. I was watching the thoughts I wanted to catch them as they arose, to see the beginning and the end. I was watching for the interval between the falling away of one thought and the beginning of the other.  The effort was straining the mind.  I decided to merely watch the flow of thoughts. I could see the thoughts individually as they came in and went out.  Hearing of sounds (or getting smells, getting tastes in the mouth, feelings in the body, or thoughts in the mind) without connecting them to their origin – bear attention helps to reduce the inflow of thoughts.

Godwin called me …he appeared annoyed though he tried to be calm and polite. Why was that intervention?  He asked.   You came to meditate and make the best use of it and leave the administration to me.  I said I was sorry.  When I get an opportunity I say what I have to say. But I will remember not to do that again.

I practice being alone.  I try to be mindful of whatever I am doing or thinking.  It is hard. Often I suddenly become aware that I had let my mind wander away.  I had forgotten to be mindful. I eat alone and maintain long periods of silence.  Some times I think ‘mindfully’ -being aware of the thoughts. For instance while eating I think of the whole process of eating; mixing the food, taking a mixed lump, putting it into the mouth, and munching it.  I am aware of the different tastes and the end of that lump of food in liquid form as it goes down my gullet-impermanence (anicca): that is eating mindfully.

Food has two qualities (1) Nutritional value that goes to help the body and  (2) Fragrance that satisfies the mind (likes & dislikes)  When we offer dana  to the departed- they  not being in a physical form but in  a mental state may derive satisfaction  from the fragrance.  Offering dana to the dead could therefore be meaningful.

Keerigamaaratchi is a young Sri Lankan, who was a producer of Sinhala theatres.  He knew lot of people in the Sri Lanka cinema production.  He showed me the photos.  He said that he would like to join me in my early morning meditation, because he liked the way I meditated.  He told me that he was sure that I will go a long way with my meditation practice.

He had given up everything and took to meditation to fulfil an old desire he had.  He had been to different meditation centres all over the Island.  He liked it at Nilambe.  He was leaving today after two weeks of meditation.

A poem on the wall of the Meditation Centre:

 There was an old owl

who sat on an oak?

The more he heard

 the less he spoke,

The less he spoke,

the more he heard,

So, why can’t we be?

               like that wise old owl

8 March, 1997

I was meditating from 3 a.m. I have mixed feelings- emotion of anger (and pride perhaps), dissatisfaction, all of which builds mountains of thoughts. I make an effort to control their arising.  More I try to control them, they become more tenacious. My mind is submerged with these thoughts. I tried all meditation methods I knew.  I just kept watching them.  Relating them to past or the future, labelling them etc. But all that was in vain.

Godwin left to Kandy.

A group of young men and women came from Kandy in the morning and is doing a shramadana. (offering free manual labour) They were cleaning the garden, cutting drains etc.  I spoke to two of them in the afternoon.  Angunawela and Amarasinghe-They were members of the Buddhist Dharmaduta Society.  They invited me to come and listen to Mr.Sarath Senanayake who gives Buddhist talks at Keppetipola Hall. 

They like Nilambe, but there are far too many Westerners.  The local meditators feel isolated here and prefer other places.  They spoke to me highly of Pallekelle Meditation Centre.  The atmosphere there they said is more congenial for meditation than it is here. 

There is an all night meditation sitting to-day. I may not attend.

9 March, 1997

As usual I started my meditation at 3 a.m.  I am the only local meditator at the Centre.  They conducted a Metta Bhavana session.  Kasha a Young American meditator conducted the session and others listened.  It is not to my liking. I prefer meditation in silence, alone.  The discussion in the evening was led by Vimalo- Prithi in Buddhism.

10 March, 1997

I started meditating from 2.30 a.m.  I was restless.  My back pains have subsided, but the legs ache when I am seated. I am occupying a room right at the bottom of the hill. 

I started meditating from 2.30 a.m.  Mind remains restless.  My back pains have subsided, but the legs ache when I am seated. I am occupying a room right at the bottom of the hill.  The meditation centre is halfway up. I have to walk up to the Meditation Hall and after meditation walk down to the room I occupy.  I hope it is an exercise that will do me good.  But for the moment that fatigues my poor legs.

I spoke to Godwin, made an appointment to see him but missed due to my being in Meditation at the appointed time.  Went for a walk with Godwin at 17hours.

In the evening Godwin talks on forgiveness.  He selects the topic to suit the existing situation at the centre.  It comes out well.  Everybody takes part in the discussions.  Godwin manages to get the tension out.  At the end of the discussion every body seems to be relaxed. 

«Father forgives them, for they do not know what they are doing" said Jesus from the Cross.  What fine words of compassion.

11 March, 1997

Started meditating at 2.30 a.m- always in the main hall.  I use to light a candle shade it with a leaf to keep the flame away from the wind.  Walk carefully up the road to the wash rooms placing my feet watchfully on the ground not to step on a coiled up snake or a scorpion ready to sting with its upturned tail.  I wash my face with cold water, and go to the Main Hall.  I light a candle before the Buddha statue, and kneel down to pay my respects to the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha. Then I take my usual seat and Meditate.

I spoke to Lakmini a young girl meditator; she had a sad story to tell about her parents who look after her handicapped brother without even a word of affection to her.  Spoke to her of the importance of giving our love and affection to parents without expecting any thing in return from them, and sympathise with them as the parents are naturally concerned about the brother  who needs their help more than her who they know is able to look after herself.  There was a young man from Ehaliyagoda.  He had come for a week end meditation.  I went with him for a walk to the top of the hill.

There is an interesting talk on awareness. Discussion led by Godwin

12 March 1997

I was relaxed and well. It is a very hot day.  Noel the cook is talkative.  I cannot avoid talking to him.  I saw the driver of the philanthropist who had given the land to the meditation centre.  I was wandering whether he could be M.B.Alahakoon; I knew and worked with at the Kandy Kachcheri.  I asked the driver to take me to his Bungalow. 

It was indeed Alahakoon I knew. I was so pleased to see him.  He could not recognise me.  No wonder with my beard and all my extra fat.  He told me that he had in fact inquired about me from Godwin.  As we talked about the old days (I had met him after an interval of about 45 years.) he finally recognised me and told how much he liked me and that he had spoken to his wife several times about me.  He started telling about his past. He told me that his poor father worked hard to cultivate the paddy land.  His mother complained constantly about the bad taste of rice made from badly stored paddy. 

It was then that he determined to find a solution to store boiled paddy in better condition preserving its natural taste.  He started a paddy mill. Eventually he became the President of the Association of Mill owners.  He had been selected for training in paddy storage in India.  The paddy mill owners in India used a special Cylinder that changed the method of storage of boiled paddy.  He was able to contact the manufacturer of these cylinders and get from them a contract becoming the sole distributor of the Indian Cylinders in Sri Lanka.  That made him a rich man!  I had tea with him and left him some time after.

I walked back to the Centre, missed the afternoon meditation session.  I meditated alone in the room.

Today’s talk was on bare attention. That is when seeing an object keep it within the first stage of contact without allowing the mind to go beyond the primary act of seeing, hearing etc.   If you see you only see…if you hear, you only hear…..

Meditated after the evening Dhamma discussion from 21h.30 to 23h.30

We were told that there is going to be a retreat conducted by Yogavachara Rahula. It had been organised under the Western Meditators Management.  There was a tension about it. No body knew what it was going to be.  I myself did not like the situation.  I came to Meditate and the idea of a retreat never entered into my mind.  I was more or less compelled to join the retreat, as the Centre was going to be reserved only for those who will take part in the retreat. 

I had reserved this month for meditation at Nilambe and there was no question of abandoning it.  So I stayed on.  Many Western & American meditators left.  There was a Suisse meditator, who created the tension.  He said that he had done a retreat with Ven Rahula and said that he was a tough “guy”; who expects every one to follow his code of discipline.  That created a prejudice which spoilt the pre-retreat atmosphere.

13 March, 1997

Meditated from 3 a.m. Very relaxed, calm and happy.  All sessions were successful.  I had less pain and concentration was remarkable. The retreat will start tomorrow afternoon. Meditated in the small hall.  A young meditator.-Dileep Samarakone joined me. Later we went for a walk and he told me how his parents, specially his mother were against his interest in meditation.

He was studying to be an Ayurveda Physician.  He had come to Nilambe before. He likes the environment.  He also liked Yoga exercises given here.  He spoke to me of Wellawatte Seelagavesi, of Sri Bodhimalu Viharaya, Srimath Kuda Ratwatte Mawata, Dodanwela, and Kandy.  He told me how one can take Kirana (energy) from the earth and utilise it to cure ailments.  He promised to show me how to do it. 

Today I was listening to Krishnamurti, and Goenka tapes.  I was not playing them loud.  But then this American woman who was not a meditator, but a mother of one of the meditators who is apparently enjoying a cheap holiday asked me to stop playing the cassettes or use the earphones.  There were no earphones available.  But I told her that I am not playing it loud and that I am far away from where the meditators are.  She said that it is too loud nevertheless, and earphones are meant to be used with the players.  I asked her whether she was a meditator.  She said she is not, but she was having a tooth ache and she wants to repose. 

I was angry, but calmed down mindful of the rising anger and said O.K. I went further away into the woods and played the cassettes.  That was the atmosphere that reined in Nilambe Centre.  That day I thought I had made a mistake in coming here.  These “holiday makers” in the guise of meditators were occupying the best available accommodation and having a nice time and were able to dictate terms to locals.  What a mess.  Her son had been made the manager of the Centre. A meditation centre in Sri Lanka managed by foreigners, that is what had become of Nilambe.  I would have left the Centre then and there if I had not cultivated by then the ability to forget my pride and pardon them for their ignorance.  I told this to Godwin.   He said don’t worry; there are foolish people we have to put up with them.

Godwin came with Venerable Rahula.  Venerable Rahula appeared to be serene and calm. He was tall with a healthy sun tan.  He was thin, but muscular, with big eyes dominating his wiry face. His copper coloured robe was worn short falling up to his ankles.  He came with another priest who appeared to be his assistant. He was tall but heavily built, rather flabby with a plump pleasant face.  They were both Americans of German origin.  Ven. Rahula is a Yoga fan and mixes it with meditation.  I thought I may probably have to do some Yoga exercises too.

14 March, 1997

Started Meditating at 2. 45 a.m.  I was restless.  My back pains have started and I was falling asleep while meditating.  My thoughts drift towards Lalith.  Spoke to Godwin in the evening.  Godwin is now in Lewella in Kandy, in a branch of the Nilambe Meditation Centre, which some meditators called, «the home for the aged ".  It is a house gifted by a retired Engineer to the Nilambe Centre.

At 6.45 p.m the ten day retreat began with Ven Yogavachara Rahula explaining to the 53 or so meditators sitting calm and expectant in the Hall, he spoke. He asked “what is a retreat?”  He then went to explain that, «It is a new experience.  Like learning some thing, to play a game, painting or preparing to write a book.  We are leaving all our usual habits out and going to devote our time to learn intensely and profoundly Insight Meditation.  Some learn it quickly, while others don’t. It is a way of looking into ones interior, into ones mind, to see how it works. (At last a search for Inners Silence, I thought).

"It is a difficult task like putting up a barrier across a river to change its course.  It is an individual effort to learn to live with oneself, and should not behave differently or model yourself according to another. In this unique effort one should follow strictly the pancha sila- basic five precepts of a Buddhist lay person and observe noble silence with determination.  Talking to each other is a stepping outside oneself and that is strictly prohibited during a retreat

When seated to Meditate:

i.   Begin by getting to know the body-
                   body awareness
             ii. Relax in the posture

iii. Watch your breath,

iv. Use the 1st 5 minutes for the 3 phase breath. 
First fill the upper part of the lungs then the middle and then the full lungs, and then exhale from the bottom to centre, centre to upper part of the lungs, and breathe out from the upper part.

v.   Remember posture is half the meditation-a straight back helps psyche.

vi.  Practice floating awareness – a quick over-view of the body and its position- breathing, sitting , relaxing……..

vii.   After taking the posture feel the pressure of buttocks on the cushion feel the expansion of the chest at the in-breath and its contraction at the out-breath. While keeping watch over the in-out breath, be aware of any thoughts lurking at the back-door.

  viii.To bring back the wandering mind to the present moment mentally note- sitting, sitting, breathing, breathing- mentally note posture and take a deep three phase breath.

ix. Wanting to get up –be aware of the intention, then get up slowly, mindful of each action in the process of getting up. Having stood, feel your feet firm on the ground, hands on either side of the body and be aware of the in-out breath and any arising thoughts."

Floating Awareness

“Let the mind touch lightly every part of the body like a butterfly sitting on different flowers in a garden”.  Thus continued Venerable Rahula -Yoga adept, a tall thin muscular figure speaking slowly measuring his words.  Looking intensely at the meditators with his large eyes with a hypnotic glint, he continued, “Everyone seeks happiness, even the little ant in his feeble precarious existence.  In seeking that illusive happiness we do not hesitate to use all means whatever available to achieve it.  That is why there are struggles, conflicts and wars, because the minds are shrouded in darkness and delusion.  The minds are confused and disorganised.  Therefore it is necessary to put some order.  The meditation is a means to put the mind in order by silently watching the thoughts as they arise in disarray.  Therefore it is necessary to practice concentrated awareness.

In this retreat only one area is treated to attain the Insight Meditation. Yoga is a means to keep the body fit. Yoga means joining.  Therefore in this retreat we will join the mind and body with Yoga, accentuating the body awareness to attain insight into see things as they are.” 

Answering a question, why Yoga which is out side Buddhist teachings is brought into Meditation which is according to Buddhist Scripts? He said he does not want to enter into polemics. There is no Hindu significance in Yoga. A perfect body will make it easier to prepare the mind to achieve awareness and one pointed concentration (ékaggata.)

A Meditator asked Venerable Rahula whether he could ask a meditator to help rub oil on his back as he is subject to severe pains. Venerable Rahula answered with an emphatic “no”.

15 March, 1997

Started meditating at 3 a.m.  Feeling relaxed and happy.

In the evening Venerable Rahula asked the meditators to stop the chanting of gatha –the Buddhist stanzas at the usual ceremony for the close of the days programme. Instead he adopted a tuneful recitation of Buddham Saranam Gacchami.  It sounded more like prayer songs sung in the Church.  I did not like the idea at all.  I am a traditionalist. I did not like innovations especially where the Buddhist chanting is concerned.

He spoke on the wandering mind – which he said is like a wild horse, a boat on the high see which gets blown from one side to the other according to the movement of the wind, or like a slippery eel.  Only way to bring it back is by holding it onto the primary object of meditation. “Also be aware of the state of mind at any given moment and label it, but do not react to the emotions. Simply note it.   Maintain bare attention.  Relate similarly to sounds and smells.”

 I was observing noble silence.  In the evening the meditator who asked permission to get some one to rub his back wanted to talk to me .I said I was sorry, and pointed to him the badge of silence I was wearing.  He was very angry.  I was feeling sorry I could not help him.

 I went to sleep and found that my mind was in a state of confusion with rushing thoughts.  More I tried to calm down more tenacious was this terrible depressive feeling.  I wanted to talk to some one.  I wanted to go and see Godwin.  But it was rather late almost 11 p.m.

I was restless.  I was feeling as if my head was burning inside.  I took a paracetamol.  And then sitting on the bed took a meditative posture and watched the mind in its present confused state.  Gradually the pressure was dispersing and I was calm. I went to sleep.

 

16 March, 1997

When I got up in the morning my mind was in its previous state of disturbance, but it gradually wore off during the course of the morning meditation. I saw in this how even a troubled mind could be “tamed” establishing peace and calm through meditation. It is the confidence in Dhamma that helps mind to calm and settle down in a meditative process.

My mind is now much more settled and relaxed.  Godwin has left the Centre.  He will be at Lewella until the end of the retreat.  There is more discipline amoung the meditators.  Some of the meditators were slowing down there movements. The programme for the retreat has been displayed.  We begin the day with Yoga exercises, before lunch relaxing exercises, and in the afternoon more Yoga.

I followed the more simple morning exercises. Others I skipped.  After lunch is the interview with the teacher.  I was hesitating to put my name for the interview.

In the evening Dhamma talk Venerable Rahula spoke of the five hindrances that obstruct meditation:

a)      Ill-will compared to hot water

b)     Sloth and Toper

c)      Sense desires compared to

red coloured water

d)     Doubt compared to muddy water

e)     Sluggishness

Be aware of the presence of these hindrances and fight them back to continue meditation.  If they do not recede at bare attention then other methods have to be used, such as investigation to go to the root of their arising.

17 March, 1997

Up at 3 a.m my mind was agitated at the beginning. Then there was a period of relaxed calm and then happy serene meditation.

Dhammanupassana: Food mixed and unseemly is tasty as it is being masticated in the mouth.  It leaves the mouth in a fluid form and the taste lingers on for a while.  Eating in silence enables watching the whole process of eating until the masticated food passes into the stomach cavity- Anicca, Dukkha, and Anatma.

The talk this evening is on the conceptual world. The creation of a being, a person.  The mind constantly lives in the past and the future.  The mind conceives a person. creating attachment, hatred and illusion.  It is this that propels the being from one life to another.

18 March, 1997

Meditating from 3 a.m.  The mind is restless.  I was making a great effort to keep alert and mindful.  Then morning Yoga began.  I followed the easier ones.  It helps my back. Then we started meditation.  Around 6.30 a.m I was in deep meditation.  An Orange coloured wall appeared, with its appearance all thoughts vanished.  I was aware of the slow rhythmic in and out breath and this endless long wall.   I was feeling extremely comfortable and happiness pervades me.  I could go on meditating for any length of time. The pains are there but they do not disturb me.  I feel empty as if my body had disappeared leaving behind only the pains at different spots where my body had been in a sitting position a while ago.

The Meditation session at 9.30 a.m was very skilfully conducted by Venerable Rahula getting the meditators to be aware of every part of the body and different sensations

To-day’s talk was on Wisdom.  What hinders wisdom from arising?  It is desire, craving, attachment, aversion, ignorance and delusion which hinder wisdom from arising.  Likes and dislikes are mind made.  As a young man Venerable Rahula did not like avocado pears.  But now he likes them.  It is the mind that dictates things.  If you can see things without memories of them you will see them differently.  It is the same with people; it is the mind with its memories that judge them for you.

Retreat is doing well for some of the meditators.  One Woman meditator was having nightmares.  All her past memories keep rising.  John my neighbour sees Jesus and Buddha.

19 March, 1997

To-day I have an interview with Venerable Rahula at 15 hrs.30 

I asked him whether one can get into Samadhi (one pointed concentration) watching a sunset?  Yes he said.

I see a wall and then it takes different forms, squares, triangles, circles etc.  What is the significance? He said that seeing of geometric forms is attainment of Samadhi

I asked whether one who does yoga at his retreat has a better chance of attaining insight than one who does not.  No he said.  Yoga is only to keep yourself fit and prepares you for long sittings.

When you have calmed your mind and when there are no disturbing thoughts in your mind, what should you do?  He said that you should watch body sensations such as flashes of pains rising and disappearing in your body.

He was very friendly and open.

To-days meditation is not as successful as it had been before. My back pains have come back. 

We are going to have a shortage of water. The heat is at times absolutely unbearable.  But the Centre being on a hill, the blowing wind makes a difference. To-day’s talk was on Loving kindness. Extend vibrations of loving kindness, first to parents, teachers, wife and children, brothers and sisters near relatives, then to strangers then to all other sentient beings

20 March,1997

Up at 3.30 a.m Meditation was not satisfactory.  But nevertheless I continued, without expectations.  The noble right effort is what really matters.

21 March, 1997

Up at 4.30 a.m. Cloudless sky with an almost full moon. Cold winds whisper into my ears.  Bert the Swiss Meditator wanted to see me after my morning meditation. 

After my morning tea I went to see Bert.  He was in a very agitated state.  He says that he wants to leave.  The retreat is doing more harm to him than good. He comes from Switzerland. He was married and divorced. A few years later he married another woman whom he loved. He has a child by her.  She is a charming five year old. He loves her very much.  At the divorce of his second wife, she was given the custody of the child.  He was permitted the   right of visit. But it is not any more the same.

He could not bear the life without his daughter.  He was depressive.  He lost his job.  He wanted to quit Switzerland, never to return there again.  He met a man who spoke to him of an Ashram in India. 

He left Switzerland and came to the Ashram.  It was not expensive and can stay there for long periods. But then there was the visa problem under which   he could stay only for a limited time.  It is difficult to renew a visa in India.  There is too much of bureaucracy.  At the end of the period of validity of his visa he did not know what to do. 

There were many Europeans at the Ashram.  One of them mentioned Nilambe, a beautiful inexpensive place and the visa can be extended with a letter from the Meditation Centre and the bureaucracy is less tight.  So he came to Sri Lanka and to Nilambe. At the beginning he did not like it.  The Centre was run by a man from Switzerland.  He wondered why a man from Sri Lanka was not running the Centre.  He did not expect Nilambe to be a Centre of Meditation for Europeans. He had no alternative but to try it out here. 

But he gradually began to like the place.  He was free to do what he wants and the people are less nosy.  Food is tolerable, but then when one is tired of the food at the Centre one can take the Van to Kandy and have a good plate of bacon and eggs at a reasonable price in Kandy.  And when you are bored with Nilambe, you can make a train trip to South and stay at Unawatuna Rest House, in Galle where the charges are not too high.

Nilambe is a fine place to put the memories behind and live.

Godwin is a sort of a smiling Buddha and it is easy to confide personal matters to him.  Since his going away the atmosphere has changed.  He did not like Rahula, because he is too strict and unfriendly.  Bert says that he doesn’t like this retreat. It is making his memories come back.  He thinks too often of his little daughter and feels home sick. 

He continued:  I observed you during the last two weeks.  I don’t even know your name.  But I know I can accept you as a friend and that is why I have bared my heart to you.  I want you to tell me what I should do.  Bert stopped his long narration and looked at me expectantly.

What can I do?  I surely don’t want to take the place of the teacher.  I had already been reprimanded for expressing my opinion.  So I told Bert that I was really sorry and that under the circumstances the best advice that I can give is for him to go to Lewella and see Godwin and perhaps stay there with him for a few days.

He had not thought of that, but he was planning to get back to India.  He thanked me for that and that afternoon he said goodbye to a few of us who were occupying the rooms along with him in the building at the bottom of the hill, and went away with his rucksack on his back.

He was tall in his late forties or early fifties.  His hair cut very short had turned grey.  He had not shaven for a few days and white and black stubbles stuck out from his sunburnt face.  His charming smile showed small even teeth set on a sturdy jaw.  His tea shirt dropped over dark pants inches short of the Nike tennis shoes.  We watched the tall lanky figure walking down the hill until we lost sight of him amoung the tall trees and green tea-bushes.

22 March, 1997

I had an interview with Venerable Rahula to-day. I discussed his book.  I also asked him how to maintain the concentration I seem to have developed.   He said, just look out for arising and disappearing sensations in the body.  Remember the simile of the empty hut.  The sounds are the knocks on the door. 

Why do you mix yoga with meditation? I asked. Yoga is merely to make one understand the body and help concentration.  It does not interfere with the Bhavana Practice.

In the evening he spoke on, Mindfulness.

23 March, 1997

It is the Full Moon.  Meditation continued till midnight.

24 March, 1997

After morning Bhavana; Venerable Rahula spoke about Bhavana and about the retreat.   He said that some of the Meditators have profited from the retreat and may have attained insight.  However, he mentioned that the insight that one may have attained during the course of the retreat is fleeting……….and it may not last.  The Yogis should continue the practice if they want to establish insight for a long period of time.  He was happy that a large number of the participants were able to continue up to the end of the retreat, though a few dropped out half way.

The retreat was officially closed at 11.45 p.m I was waiting for some one to thank the Venerable Rahula.  The wise European Meditators were silent.  It was the occasion for me to open my big mouth as usual which caused Godwin’s displeasure last time.  However, I went on…..

Bhante, I am an old Meditator, who came to your retreat by accident (no accident said Bhante) 

Nevertheless, I am happy I participated in it. I do not pretend to speak for any one, but for myself.  Ten days ago you came here with a reputation of being a tough guy.  But during the past 10 days you proved it wrong. You conducted the Yoga sessions adroitly with confidence.  You helped us with our meditation, reciting Pali gathas and giving commands of three phase breathing.  You displayed to us the nobleness of you heart referring to your parents with love and tenderness.  You showed us that you were really a Buddha Putta with your humility, with natural unsophisticated humour.

I thank you and wish you happiness and long life  to carry out many more retreats throughout the world and perhaps in Africa a continent much neglected.

I also wish your assistant Venerable Sukhachitto and the two nun’s happiness. May all beings be happy.  Others may say sadhu if they are of the same mind.

25 March 1997

I was meditating from 4 a.m.

The meditators looked more relaxed. Slow mindful movements and the silent serenity have given place to quicker movements, talking and laughing.  Those who had cameras took group photos. We bade good bye to Venerable Rahula.

Venerable Rahula's retreat was a success.  Though I participated in it with apprehension I found it effective in developing meditation in a disciplined, controlled environment. I disagreed with the decision the Venerable Rahula took to stop traditional recitation of Buddhist Stanzas.  The recitation of the Buddhist protective chants (Pirith) is best recited in Pali as they contain the words of the Buddha.  It is for the same reason that I disagree with translating of Buddhist Protective chants into Sinhala as it is being done by Venerable Kiribathgoda Gnananada Thero.

Today it rained heavily after a long dry season.  I came to my Kuti after Soya Coffee in the evening and meditated till 11 p.m

26 March, 1997

It is very warm. No rain to-day. 12 Chinese meditators from Hong Kong had come last night.  They looked strange and incongruous in the Centre. They looked very serious and unsmiling. 

It is a beautiful evening.

27 March, 1997

Godwin came back from his “exile “at Lewella. I washed my clothes.  I have decided to leave Nilambe on the 30 Sunday.  Godwin conducted a discussion on the Schedule for the benefit of the Hong Kong crowd.

28 March, 1997

Godwin has gone to Kandy to admit Bill the American guy to the clinic.  Liyanasena the cook is going home. I gave him a small gift.  About 12 children from a near by school had come to the Centre.  I was asked to look after them.  I spoke to them, and as they were keen in knowing what Bhavana is, I conducted a 10 minute Bhavana session.  I spoke to them about meditation and how it could even be useful in learning school lessons and improving memory. Godwin was back in the evening.  When I was to pay for my stay in the centre, Godwin said, « please be my guest”

29 March, 1997

To is the last day.  Bhavana was unsatisfactory.  Did lot of walking meditation.

The Thai Sil Matha was going to UK.  There was a birth day party in the evening. It was funny with the Sil Matha talking and giggling all the time.  I left Nilambe at 7.30 a.m.

CHAPTER FIVE

Amoung the faithful
Lord Buddha did not answer questions about the beginning of the world.  It was not important considering the depth of man’s suffering.  It is more important to find a way to end this suffering.

We know from what we have read on scientific research and the theory of evolution that life evolved in water, from the fish until the appearance of the ape. At each stage of evolution the form changed.  As the physical form changed so did the mind, until the appearance of the man on earth with an intelligence far superior to that of all animals

At a certain stage in this evolutionary process, man became a victim of his own emotions such as attachment, aversion, hatred, love, and so forth.  These emotions to which man has become a slave are not physical but psychological –mind made.  The motivation for man’s adventure in different facets of social and economic structure is his attachment or desire, greed, craving, ill-will, hate and delusion- all psychological factors.

Even the smallest animal such as an insect has this desire to continue its animal or insect life. As I look out of the window, I see a tiny spider, busy weaving its web.  The instinct opposed to intelligence prompts it to do so to trap its prey and consume it for its own survival. This attachment to life, the desire to survive at any cost continues at all levels of animal life.    

In considering the evolutionary theory, it appears to be a logical conclusion that as much as there are beings of inferior intelligence to man there may certainly be beings of higher intelligence. Intelligence is a faculty of the mind. The beings of higher intelligence are beings with developed minds.  The physical form is only a vehicle for the mind without which the body decays and disintegrates. 

Therefore it is the mind that makes the body act. Can the mind exist without the body?  What happens to the mind when it leaves a body, or to put it another way what happens to the mind of a man who has died? 

It is with the mind that one understands and gathers knowledge.  Buddhism teaches of different planes of existence of beings.  Some are formless beings.  A developed mind may exist on its own in formless planes of existence.  The physical existence ends in attaining Nibbana.  

The mind is foremost. At death it is the body that perishes. The mind on the other hand will continue another “mind-body” existence according to its accumulated Kamma in a higher or a lower plane.

It is therefore necessary to purify this mind, which the Zen teachers say, at the beginning was like a shining mirror. Shen Hsui a Zen monk wrote:

The body is the wisdom-tree,

The mind is a bright mirror in a stand;

Take care to wipe it all the time,

And allow no dust to cling.

But Hui Neng  the sixth Patriarch Wrote:

Fundamentally no wisdom-tree exists,

Nor the stand of a mirror bright.

Since all is empty from the beginning,

Where can the dust alight

(that is the ultimate truth, which is that in reality nothing exists, and what is accepted conventionally as existing are mere mental concepts)

The dust of kamma accumulated during innumerable cycles of births and deaths has covered the surface of the mind, therefore it has lost its shine.  The cleaning process that will bring back its lustre and brightness begins in mindfulness. The way to set about the cleaning process has been found for us by the Buddha.

We have only to follow the teachings of the Buddha. It is not the conceptual you, or me, that will finally attain Nibbana, but the mind which is neither me, nor you.  The Zen Buddhism says, “The uncontaminated real mind is the enlightened mind, or Buddha mind. ………. the enlightened mind is no more than the ordinary mind”

Nibbana could be attained in this life.  But the only path towards it is through meditation.  But, those who teach meditation should be those who meditate.

* * * * *

I left the Nilambe Meditation Centre after a month of extensive meditation with about 8 to 10 hours of meditation per day.  It took me a few days to adjust my-self to the home environment. But even thereafter there was a certain difference in relating to people and applying myself to daily activity. There is a marked slowing down of the rhythm of living.  My coming home to lay life followed a period of festivity, in which I took part with aplomb, and in the meantime continued to do two hours of meditation every day.

After the festivities there was the Wesak Full Moon day, when the birth, the enlightenment and the death of the Buddha was celebrated.   I had yet a desire to continue meditation somewhere else as I felt that I had missed some thing essential at Nilambe. 

I did not know where I was with my meditation effort.  I knew that it is not necessary to know my success in meditation.  “Do not force any thing. Let things happen and continue mindful attention and meditate without any expectations”. That should be the principle to follow in the practice of meditation which is driven into you through out a meditation retreat.

Intellectual search into Dhamma- the doctrine could be a deterrent to successful meditation. One has therefore to find a balance between the theoretical knowledge and the practice of meditation. 

But from discussions I have had with some meditation teachers, knowledge of Dhamma is not a prerequisite to successful meditation.  Meditation is for the realisation of the truth of impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and no-self by direct experience, but not the mere knowledge of it acquired from reading books and listening to teachers. 

What then is the necessity of a teacher of Meditation in the Theravada tradition?

As I had come from Europe, falling in with Europeans again at Nilambe was tiring.  I wanted a different approach to meditation, perhaps with my own people in a real Buddhist atmosphere of religious faith and friendliness, a cohesive togetherness in doing something purposeful.  Someone recommended me Pallekale Devanapatissa Samatha Vipassana Bhavana Centre, at Pallekele in Kundasale.  I went there on the 27 April, 1997 and stayed on for two weeks.

It was beyond all my expectations.  Before I went there, most of the people I spoke to had some negative remark to make about the place and the priest in charge. Some of them had not even been to the place and not met the High Priest (loku hamuduruwo). They were just repeating what some one else had said. But when I went there, I found the Centre ideal for a meditation retreat, the High Priest a very pleasant person, erudite, pious, kind, gentle and very active at 84 years. Its rural Buddhist cultural environment was a setting I had yearned.

The Centre had a few Kuti (meditating lodges), separately for men and women, single and double, enough to accommodate 50 to 60 meditators.   There was the High Priest Venerable Amatha Gavesi, and another priest and 10 Nuns. It was the nuns who gave Kamatahan- instructions for meditation.

The Centre organises regular meditation retreats of two weeks, for 50 to 60 upasaka and Upasika (the lay Buddhist men and women). There is a strict code of discipline. Upasaka and Upasika wear white dresses. Meals are vegetarian.  

Dana (breakfast and lunch) is offered by people who come from all over Sri Lanka, mostly from distant villages.  Those who have reserved the day for Dana comes the previous evening. They prepare the meals at the Centre which has a kitchen and a large dining hall. They prepare the morning Kenda- which is porridge made of coconut milk and rice with herbal juice added to it, and served to the meditators and the resident Monks and Nuns at about 5.30 a.m.  Thereafter at 8 a.m is the Heel Dana- the morning breakfast, and at 11.30, the Lunch.

To take the lunch The Priests, the Nuns and upasaka - the lay men meditators, and upasika- the lay women meditators, form into a queue lead by the High Priest, his  Priest in attendance, and Nuns, carrying with them the bowls to receive  alms. Next the upasaka and upasika carrying their plates and cups follow each other in that order and walk to the "dining Hall". As each one enters Dana- alms, are served by the donors. The Priests, Nuns and lay upasaka, upasika carry the meals   served to them and take their respective seats in the dining hall. 

When every one is seated, the donors of the days alms sit down on mats put on the floor in front, facing the dining room.  The High Priest delivers a sermon.  His sermons are lucid, simple and profound.  The subject of the sermon is mainly on attachment and aversion.  After the sermon every one takes their meals in silence. After lunch, the priests, nuns and upasaka, upasika go back in the order in which they came and disperse at their respective Kuti-the living quarters.

This Centre has the essential discipline and the atmosphere to create the necessary confidence (saddha) in the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha and prepares the meditators in their effort for mental development to attain higher levels of Meditation.

Its simplicity and the devotion of the ordinary people from villages attracted my sense of religious fervour.  I decided to meditate here, along with my brother who was also tempted to go along with me. We made arrangements to come for the next retreat for two weeks of intensive meditation.

We met the Venerable Amatha Gavesi thero the High Priest- affectionately called Loku Hamuduruvo by his followers.  He carries his 84 years in a tall, dark and a sturdy physical frame. His eyes set in a dark plump face were soft and kind.  He had a pleasant smile.  He was gentle and extremely friendly.  He smilingly referred to some meditation teachers as ‘mind watchers’.  

He said that it is possible to attain Nibbana in this life. Our Lord Buddha, he said has shown us the path, we have only to follow it diligently.  If we have to wait until the arrival of Metteiya Buddha (next Buddha to be born) to attain Nibbana, all the efforts of the Gautama Buddha to teach the Dhamma he had discovered would have been in vain.  Loku Hamuduruvo asked us to stay for two weeks for a satisfactory training in meditation.

A retreat of two weeks of meditation was just what we wanted. I already had a good grounding of meditation at Nilambe.  We had only to learn the method here, which was based on attachment and aversion. (lobha and dosa)  Meeting the Loku Hamuduruvo made us keener to follow a meditation retreat with him.

The day after the full moon before the commencement of each retreat there is a pre-retreat gathering, attended by all those who are to take part in the retreat.  The High Priest gives a talk on attachment-(lobha) and aversion-(dosa), which keep us suffering in the Samsara the cycle of births and deaths until we find the path to their elimination and attain Nibbana.

That day the High Priest gave an introduction to meditation and made strict observation as to the discipline expected of the meditators.  During the period of meditation every body should maintain silence and be mindful.  Every one should give a hand to keep the environment clean.  The group was divided according to each one’s experience in meditation.  We were to take meditation instruction from the Nuns.  Each group was assigned to a Nun. 

* * * * *

We as beginners were taken by our friend Harry Wattegama to Ven Dhammadinna Maniyo’s group.  She spoke English.  She initiated the group in Bhavana. We were asked to forget all about our previous meditation experiences and practices, but instead follow the instructions given by her.  She explained how to sit and keep the mind on the in and out breadth as it touches the entrance to the nostrils or there about and be mindful. 

The group consisted of people who had already meditated.  Each came out with an experience he had while meditating –feeling of a hardness of the head, how while in Meditation a sudden loud noise disturbed them,  some had visions of persons dressed in white coming and sitting  before them  or others who see colours.  She assured them that there is nothing to worry  about  those experiences,  but merely take note of them as they happen and carry on being mindful of the  in and out breadth.

These experiences related by the members of the group were obvious signs of concentrated minds-minds that have attained Samadhi.  She said that the Centre takes as the foundation for Meditation, attachment and aversion (lobha and dosa).  To counter attachment one has to meditate on the loathsomeness of the 32 parts of the body-Kayanupassana and to counter aversion one meditates on metta or contemplation on loving kindness.  Every meditation session begins with these two meditations. 

One is advised to take the half lotus posture for meditation, nevertheless, one may chose any comfortable sitting position.  After these instructions Dhammadinna Maniyo prepared us for Meditation and played a cassette which we were asked to listen to attentively.  It was a registration of Kayanupassana and Metta Bhavan conducted by the High Priest.  After this introduction to meditation we registered ourselves for the next retreat, and took leave of the Maniyo and left the Centre.

CHAPTER SIX

Introducing my brother to Mediation

 27  April,1997

My brother and I came to the Centre along with the family.  We were given the best kuti available.  It was immediately taken in hand by my nieces and nephews and soon it was satisfactorily clean and ready for our occupation.  Before the Keys were handed over to us we were given instructions as to our duties as meditators and the comportment that is expected of us.  All the meditators were now gathered in the main hall.  There were an equal number of men and women. There were the young, the middle aged and the older.  They were all local people some from villages far away from Kandy. They were of different social status, farmers, retired teachers, shop-keepers, masons, carpenters, students etc. 

Ven.Visaka Maniyo spoke to us and told us, that at the Wata ceremony (offering of flowers and chanting of Buddhist stanzas), we will be given the ten precepts to be observed through out the retreat, and thereafter we should, apart from observing the precepts, discipline ourselves in walking and talking as it is proper to a person observing higher precepts.  We should always be mindful of our actions and at lunch time we should be seated always at the same place allotted on the first day.

When going for meals, one has to carry a plate to receive alms covered with a white piece of cloth. The food should be kept covered until it is time to partake of it. We should eat slowly.  We should clean our plates and cups after eating with the water provided.  In coming for the meals we should observe that the Loku Hamuduruvo (high priest) will take the lead followed by the other Priest; and then the Manios, then the male meditators, followed by the female meditators.  In returning from the dining hall after meals we should follow the same procedure.

We should be clean in dress and follow the time table. The men should clean the vihara premises and the women the dining hall and help the Maniyos to prepare the evening and morning Wata ceremonies.  Thereafter the group was divided according to experience in meditation and put in-charge of different Manios.

My brother and I were to get our instructions from Dhammadinna Manio.  We dispersed thereafter. 

The Wata Ceremony is where  every one gathers  in the morning in the Main Hall-the shrine room, and in the evening around the Bo-tree to make the morning and evening offerings to the Buddha  reciting the appropriate Pali stanzas, and  thereafter  recite selected discourses of the Buddha from the  Book of Protection-Pirith Potha.

All the nuns and the meditators placed flowers, water and lighted lamps before the statue of the Buddha in the Shrine room and the High Priest conducted the ceremony of offerings and gave the 10 precepts we had to observe during the period of the retreat.  After that there was the chanting of the verses from the Book of Protection by the Nuns led by the High Priest with the Meditators joining in the chanting.

I was surprised to see how all the old men and women kept up recitation of all the Buddhist stanzas along with the priest and the nuns. It was a very inspiring ceremony which brought out one’s faith and religious fervour to the surface.  At the beginning I thought it was a waste of time using it in an extended ritualistic form when that time could have been better utilised in meditation. 

I was soon to realise that I was wrong.  The Wata Ceremony created the right atmosphere for meditation, preparing the meditators mentally and physically for the noble effort of meditation the only path to freedom from the bonds of Suffering.  The devotion to Buddha Dhamma and Sangha was enhanced after each such ceremony.  It enhanced the sanctity of the monastic environment. 

The whole ceremony that day lasted about two to three hours starting from 4 p.m. The High Priest explained the importance of our undertaking and advised us to be mindful through out the retreat starting from that day. 

These ceremonies and instructions were followed by  a group meditation which commenced by a recorded recitation of the Kayanu Passana ( contemplating on the 32 parts of the body as impermanent and loathsome) and Maitree Bhavana -contemplation of loving kindness(pervading universal love to all  beings in the ten cardinal directions) . 

We came back to the Kuti at 8.30 pm.  That night we went to sleep early in the new environment with hordes of mosquitoes manifesting against our intrusion into their domain.  My brother-Cyril Aiya was provided with a mosquito net; therefore I without one became their target of attack.

28. April,1997

I got up at 2-30 a.m.  Did a quick wash and went to the meditation hall.  It was locked and I sat outside meditating for a while and came back to the room and meditated in the corridor. The bell rang at four o’clock in the morning. It was the wake-up time for the meditators.  We got ready and went to the main hall.  Outside the hall we were served with warm rice porridge (kola kenda) with juggery- a local candy.  High Priest kindly asked how we were and whether we were comfortably accommodated.

We entered the hall which had been made ready for the Wata Ceremony and sat on the cushions.  The males were on one side and the females on the other. In the centre were the nuns.  It was then the reciting of verses from the Book of Protection (paritta suttas) lead by the high priest and accompanied by the nuns.  The meditators joined in. The recitations were very rhythmic and holy.  The atmosphere was sacred and benign.

From 5 .30 a.m to 6.30 a.m we sat for the first group meditation in the main Hall.  We first listened to the Kayanupassana (contemplation of the loathsomeness of the body) and Maitri Bhavana (contemplation on loving kindness) on recorded cassettes and continued to meditate until the bell went off for the break up.  We spoke to the Maniyo and came for the line up for breakfast.

Just then Cyril Aiya wanted to go to the toilettes.  As it was too late to go to our Kuti we had to use the public toilettes.  We joined the train of monks, nuns and upasaka upasika from where we were.  After breakfast we were told off.  The high priest told every one present for breakfast that when they are coming for meals they should follow the "line for alms" from the Kuti, and not from any where, least of all from the public toilettes.  We went back to our kuti meek like cats and decided not to miss the breakfast or lunch “train” in the future.  We got hold of a time table and copied it diligently so that we would be ready and in time hence forth.

4 a.m                         Getting up                   

4-30  to 5-30            Wata

5.40                          Rice porridge with herbal juice.                

5-45 to 6-45             Group Meditation

6-50                         line up for breakfast

7-45 to 8                  Cleaning

8 to 9                        Group Meditation

9 to 10.45                 Bathing Cleaning  of Kuti etc

10.50                        line up for Lunch

2 to 1 p.m                 Interval

1p.m to 2.45             Meditation in Kuty or outside

2.45                          Tea

3.00 to 4                   Dharma Talk

4.00 to 5.00              Cleaning  Temple Premises

5.00 to 6.00              Wata -Chanting

6.00 to 7.00              Meditation in Kuty

7.00                          Tea

7.15 to 8.15              Group Meditation

8.15 to 9.45              Meditation in Kuty

9.15                          Karaneeyametta sutta – Meditation

10 p.m                      Sleep

We were given instructions on the method of meditation.  We had to do 20 minutes of Kayanupassana Bhavana and 20 minutes of Metta Bhavana.  We were helped in this bhavana by the intermediate of a recording of the recitations by the high priest.  Concentrating on the spoken words which listed the thirty two parts of the body, followed by listening to the recitation of the metta Sutta (discourse on loving kindness), we become deeply concentrated reaching a state of Samadhi.  At the end of it we come out of Samadhi and continued Samatha bhavana mindful of breath, feelings, thoughts and mental-factors. 

I was impressed by the devotion and seriousness with which the old men and women coming from remote villages took part in this retreat. They sit long in meditation in absolute silence making minimum of   physical movements.

Here there is no strict rule to sit cross legged for meditation.  One can take any comfortable position, but keep the upper part of the body erect and sit motionless as long as one can.  Any moment should be done mindfully without disturbing others.  I was coming to the stage I was in at Nilamba, seeing colours and geometric forms, one form changing in to another.

The method followed here is supposed to be exactly what the High Priest had followed in his meditation practice.  Lot of  meditators do not  get to Samadhi either because they do not start the sessions with Kayanu passana and mettha bhavana- the former against attachment and the latter against aversion and ill-will, or for some other reason such as preoccupation with personal matters.  After the set period of meditation we returned to our kuti. 

I took a shower and as we were determined not to miss the lunch" train" at 10.50 a.m,  we were ready for it from 10-30 a.m.  One young Manio was amused to see us waiting patiently holding the plates like priests on alms round.  This time we were punctual.  The bell rang for the start of the lunch train.  The Chief Priest went past us followed by the manios then we joined in leading the male meditators who were followed by the female meditators.  We walked into the dining hall with plates ready to receive the offering of alms.

As we walked in each one of us was served first with rice, then the curries, and the dessert.  We were allocated the first two seats amoung the male meditators.  We placed our plates before us and covered it with another plate.  There was hot water in a jug and we had our drinking cups.  We waited for every one to be seated and the  family who was offering the alms that day( every day there  is a new family who offers alms)  sat on mats placed  on the floor  facing  the dining room beside the  High Priest.  The High Priest then made a sermon for 15 minutes, and transferred merit to those near and dear ones of the donor family who have parted and explained to the donors the merits they had acquired by offering the Dana and recited an appropriate stanza. Thereafter, the High Priest begins to take his meal and the others follow.

After taking the meals and every one had washed and cleaned the plates and cups; a helper informs the High Priest that he may leaved the dining hall.  Thereafter the High Priest leaves the dining hall followed by the Nuns, the upasakas, and upasikas. 

At Wata Ceremony the High Priests asked me where I was with my meditation.  I told him that I seem to be doing well.  He asked as to what I thought about the lunch hour Dhamma talk.  It was on attachment (lobha) and aversion (dosa) which result in creation of kamma.  It was very stimulating and profound, delivered in clear simple language to attentive devotee.  I told him so.

We met the High Priest again before we went for the meditation session.  He is very impressive, simple and gentle.  He spoke to us about his experiences and his devotion to the sublime teachings of the Buddha.  He said that he had been told by some one who could, it seems, read into the past that he was one of many monks who lived during the time of the Buddha and returned to help the continuation of Buddhism in the 21st century and after.  He smiled broadly and said “who knows?”

29 April, 1997 

It rained in the afternoon and the Wata Ceremony was transferred from the Bo-tree premises to the Shrine Room.  An old meditator, who may have been in his 80s liked to recite the stanzas very loud and sometimes out paced the Nuns.  The High Priest reprimanded him asking him to let the Nuns do the recitation and follow them in low tone.  I was a little taken aback and saddened by the way the old man was reprimanded by the High Priest and then by the  Senior Nun. That is also a way to dissuade one from a lingering “manna” -conceit.

We were learning fast we were in time both for the breakfast and the lunch “trains”.

My meditation was going well.  Today’s lunch was by the family of Roslin from Yatirawana.  Yesterday it was the family of Kamala from Kandawala. The High Priest’s very interesting talk was on how man accumulates kamma through the six senses and continues his (bhava) - existence, through rebirth.

Dhammadinna Manio was speaking to us about her personal problem.  Her eldest son had gone to London for studies and he has stopped writing.   Several attempts on their part to locate him had failed.  His father does not seem to make a serious effort to search for him.  She asked me whether I could help her to find her son.  I told her that being in France I cannot do much and that I cannot give any guarantee that I will get any positive results, but promised to do a search through internet and make inquiries through my friends in London, and proposed certain practical moves.  She got me to write to her husband about my proposals. The conversation delayed us for the lunch train

I met her again in the evening to get instructions for meditation.  I am hopeless with my practice. Have I concentration (Samadhi) or have I no concentration (Samadhi) that is the question?

I do not seem to attain Jhanas.  There is no upward rising of energy!   Manio thinks that it may be that I am used to a different method of meditation than the method here.  She asked me not to get distracted from visions and images and concentrate on being mindful of the in and out breath. 

My coming here was primarily to interest Cyril Aiya in serious meditation.  Therefore it is immaterial whether I progress or not.  But, I however promised myself to do my best.  I came to the Kuti did a quick shower and went to the Shrine room to meditate.  It rained heavily.  To- day's Dana was by someone from Walapone a very distant place.

The High Priest had gone to Kandy Hospital to see a Nun who had taken ill.  This evenings Wata was delayed until the return of the High Priest.  We finally had Wata at 6 p.m.  After Wata I accompanied the Loku Hamuduruwo to his Kuti.  I told him that I have a problem in attaining Samadhi.  He said that I should not in the first place sit for meditation expecting anything.  Just be mindful of the object of meditation.  If there is an impediment it may be caused by a past kamma. 

However, he told me that it may do good to make a Bodhi puja (an offering to the Bodhi Tree) for three consecutive days and ask to be pardoned for any short comings such as disrespect to the Buddha, Dhamma or the Sangha in the past births, and allow Samadhi to arise. 

We burrowed oil from an upasaka and lit seven oil lamps and did the Bodhi puja with Cyril Aiya playing the role of the Kapu Mahattaya -one who demands protection from "divine powers". 

I meditated for an hour before going to sleep.

30 April, 1997

Still I have no net.   Mosquitoes keep me awake.   Got up at 2 a.m Meditated for half an hour.  Yesterday’s Savkenda (sago seeds boiled in coconut milk) was better than to-days porridge with herbal juice (Kola Kanda).  That thought was an attachment to a taste- kilesa (a defilement of the mind). 

Meditation seems to be improving.  Meditated for a long period of time.  To-day’s Dana was from Leela Kulasekara of Walapone. 

Harry Wattegama dropped in to say that his wife had taken ill and that he was taking her to her son in Colombo.  He says that the High Priest was King Walagambahu an ancient King of Sri Lanka in an earlier birth. 

It is fascinating to watch the very old upasaka and upasika meditating purposefully, seated perfectly still in absolute silence.  They sit for hours at end.  That is the difference from Nilamba: These people have lots of confidence in what they are doing and are moved by faith (saddha) in the Buddha, Dhamma and the Sangha. 

Any effort to understand the teachings of the Buddha intellectually will only cause confusion. The Buddha has explained Buddhism in simple terms in Pali, and what is necessary is to find good translations of the teachings in English or Sinhala. One can certainly attain to be an Arahat in this very life if the correct method of meditation is followed with diligence. 

The High Priest has gone to Colombo.  The Pandita Hamuduruwo conducted the Wata Ceremony.  I was quite satisfied with my meditation after Wata. 

It was a beautiful warm night. Came to Kuti at 9.30 p.m Cyril Aiya was in meditation.  We went for the Bodhi Puja.  I meditated at the Bodhi tree for an hour and came back to the kuti and went to sleep.

1 May, 1997.

Sunit Gunatilleke of Matale was giving to-day's Dana. 

I got up at 2 a.m and was going to meditate at the Bodhi tree. Cyril Aiya asked what time it was and asked me not to go.  I was annoyed.  He does not listen; He laughs, jokes, boasts and even compares himself to the High Priest.  I try to be serious.   We washed, dressed and went for the early morning kola kenda. (rice porridge with coconut milk and herbal juice)  I had two cups of it. 

Panditha Hamuduruwo conducts Wata Ceremony consecutively for two days. 

After breakfast, I took a shower, dressed and went to see Loku Maniyo.  An Upasika from Yatirawana had requested her to see us and help us.  What a kind person! 

Then we went to Dhammadinna Maniyo She is worried about her son.  She presented me to her younger son Mark.  Hers is a complicated matter. I feel sorry for her. Her maternal love for her son dominates. She is a very good meditation teacher.

After Wata in the evening Dhammadinna Maniyo wanted us to see her.  At 7 p.m we went to her Kuti.  She was with Visakha Maniyo.  The latter asked me what I expect from meditation.  You should meditate without any expectations, she said.  That is now a too familiar advice.

Visaka Manio asked me to meditate along with her.  We did a few minutes of meditation in silence.  Viskha Maniyo told me that I have deep concentration (Samadhi); the problem is that I am unable to recognise it!  She tied a thread of protection round my neck and another round that of my brother. 

After that I went to meditate at the Main Hall in the shrine room.

2 May, 1997

I was feeling light like a feather.  Every thing was absolutely calm and quiet.  That must be it, I thought.  I went back to the Kuti and slept.  Got up at 3. 30 a.m I was meditating at the Bo Tree.  I could hear the wailing of wild foxes.   Every now and then the wailing was getting nearer. Then suddenly it was somewhere just close to where I was. I came out of my meditation, and waited silently.  I heard them once again but now far away.  I got up and went back to the Kuti.

We talk less now.  I am making a great effort to get Jhana absorptions. Will it come or will it not?  Well I should not expect any thing that is how it should be.  Let it come on its own.  I meditated at the Bodhi tree. I did both sitting and walking meditations. 

Sopinona of Katugastota offers the dana to-day.

Loku Hamuduruwo was away.  He came late in the evening Panditha Hamuduruwo gave the Dhamma talk at Lunch. and then conducted the Wata in the evening.  His talk sermon was simple and precisely to the point. He makes evident his devotion to the High Priest. 

I feel Cyril aiya- my brother should go back to meditate from the beginning.  But he would not like that. 

An upasika asks me whether I force my breathing.  She had noticed from far that I was forcing my breath.  I said that is my normal way of breathing.  The evening meditation was not satisfactory. 

I went to the Kuti. My brother was sleeping.

I meditated.  I was soon in Samadhi.     I think I am at the thresh-hold of the first jhana.  Cyril Aiya was making noises in his sleep and that disturbed my concentration.  I came out of Samadhi and went to sleep. 

The following morning Cyril Aiya told me that I had stopped snoring for two consecutive nights.  That I thought was a good piece of news.

This evening Cyril Aiya had a problem.  When he was meditating in the corridor outside the Kuty, he had a vision of some one tall and dark dressed in a white cloth. His uncovered torso had a white thread put across it. He was standing before him. All of a sudden the man beat Cyril Aiya on the left side of his head with a chord he had in his hand.  Now Cyril Aiya was complaining of pain on that side of the head right up to the shoulder. Strangely there was a red mark of a chord on that side of his face.

3 May, 1997 

I was up at 3.30 a.m.  Meditated on the corridor outside the Kuty. 

I was very keen to see that Cyril Aiya gives his meditation practice a good start. But I will have to make him understand that in a round about way as he would refuse to do so if I ask him directly. I therefore told him after my meditation session, that I was going  to tell the teacher, that my  not attaining Samadhi may be  the result of a pride that I may have because I have done meditation before, therefore I have decided to begin meditation all over again starting from the beginning.  I suggested that he should do like wise.  But he said that he would think about it.

This morning after the Kola Kenda, we met the High Priest.  He called Cyril Aiya.  The High Priest had been told of the frightening experience Cyril Aiya had the previous evening.  Loku Hamuduruwo placed his hand on the head of my brother and blessed him for a few minutes, and asked him to pay no attention to what happened but continue meditation mindful of all distracting thoughts.

I told Loku Hamuduruwo about my decision. He laughed and said that it is perhaps a good idea, and said that there are those who remain satisfied watching thoughts without allowing the mind the freedom to expand.  He said that he was not at all criticising any of them but one should not merely watch thoughts, but steer deeper into other paths to let the mind find its own expression. 

When I went to see Dhammadinna Maniyo she was with Subhadra Maniyo, and Visaka Maniyo. I told them of my decision to start meditation from the very beginning.  All the Maniyos laughed.  My difficulty they thought was the failure to grasp the characteristic of the mind at each level of its concentration. They said that I should continue meditation and that I will finish by understanding the differences at various stages of mental development as I go on.

I went back to the kuti and told Cyril Aiya what transpired. He laughed and started explaining his point of view.  Now I am getting overly worried about my own confusion, which I could however sort out on my own.  I did not want to hear any more of what my brother had to say. 

I did a cold shower.  It is a very hot day.  I went to the main Hall to meditate.  The main hall is under repairs and the noise was a disturbance.  When I went back to the Kuti I found that my poor brother had locked himself out.  In a short time we had to go for lunch.  All our plates and serviettes were inside.  I went down to the dining hall and got the plates and informed the Office that we had inadvertently closed the door of the Kuti with the key inside. 

The young Sujatha Maniyo in the kuti next to us gave us the necessary serviettes.  After lunch the gardener came with the key.  He had removed the tiles and got into the room to recuperate the Key.  I gave him Rs.50 for all his trouble.  Life is normal again. I went to the main Hall to Meditate.

I could now get into one pointed concentration and in that state I could stay long without feeling any discomfort.  When I was in that state, there was a   profound silence and a comfortable lightness as if the mind had moved away from the body its warmth and discomforts. The mind was watching the object of concentration which was no more the breadth but the vast space of “deep silence”.  In stages, the state of mind changed going deeper into the silence and comfort.  After some time I came out of it.  I felt such a peace of mind that I had never before experienced. I was happy (piti).

Another meditator moved into the kuti next door.  The Family dropped this afternoon.   I understood only then how family attachments can be an impediment to meditation.  The mindfulness we had developed up to now seemed to have fallen apart.

When the family went I meditated to get back to where I had been.  It was difficult. I slept early and got up at two in the morning.  Next door meditator shares our bath room.  I waited until he left the bathroom to clean myself and then to get on with my meditation.

Once the mind has attained a profound one pointed concentration, the meditator determines: “May I attain the first Jhana absorption for ten minutes.”  He then meditates with renewed effort. The mind “gives in” and the meditator will attain the 1st Jhana. Then with similar determination and continued meditation he will attain the second, the third and the forth Jhana. Thus a diligent meditator could attain all four Jahna in a short space of time. 

I was overwhelmed with internal satisfaction derived from these attainments.  Once absorptions have been attained one should practice until one can get into Jhana absorptions and come out of them in quick succession.

4 May, 1997 

Cyril Aiya complains of severe pain in his leg. I dipped a serviette in hot water, squeezed off the water and compressed the affected area and applied an Ayurvedic (Ayurveda is an indigenous medical system) balm.  Dhammadinna Maniyo was having a tooth ache; I gave her a clove to bite.  She gave a bandage for Cyril Aiya’s leg. 

After lunch I sat for Meditation.  There was no water and we had to go without a shower.  It is hard when the day is hot.  There is a marked difference in mindfulness to-day.   I arrived at absorptions without difficulty.  I saw the High Priest.  He was sleeping. It appeared as if he knew what news I was bringing to him. 

He came out immediately he heard me coming, with a benign smile in his face.  I told him that I have broken through to Jhana.  He said that I should now practice attaining Jhana quickly and getting out of them.  “You have a powerful mind now “; he said and added; “now it is time for insight meditation”. 

We had discussions on various matters related to Meditation and rebirth, and his daily lunch hour Dhamma talks.  I asked for his photograph. He signed and gave one photo to me and another to be given to my brother. 

Some meditators have arrived from Singapore.  They have contributed for most of the improvements to the buildings of the Meditation Centre.

The Wata Ceremony was in the main hall.  There was water in the evening I had a shower and meditated

 5 May, 1997 

After breakfast I went to Visakha Maniyo to get Kamatahan (meditation instructions).  Meditators from Singapore were with Dhammadinna Maniya.  Loku Hamuduruwo went to Kurunegala with Loku Maniyo.  Cyril Aiya is making a tremendous effort.  He is progressing well in his meditation.  He spoke to Panditha Hamuduruwo, and after that he appeared to be very happy. 

It rained in the evening.

I was meditating seated on the corridor outside the kuti.  I could here the wind blowing and then it started raining, I could distinguish blurredly through my closed eyelids the lightening, and hear the distant peals of thunder.  Suddenly the intensity of the falling rain increased.  I went on with my meditation.  Thunder was breaking close at hand.  I was making mental notes of all that I hear, and mental emotions of fear, and anxiety. 

Suddenly there was a booming noise and a clap of deafening thunder followed by its distant rumbling and rolling away. Then there was a momentary silence.  I could see the brightness of lightning through my closed eyelids followed by another frightful burst of thunder ….a ball of fire went past me at an intensely high speed, and I jumped up in fear.  My brother called me. I went inside the Kuti.   I meditated for a while seated on the bed and then went to sleep.

6 May, 1997 

A Nanayakkara from Kandawela is giving to-day's Dana.

After lunch I was going to see Visakha Manio to ask for Kamatahan as Dhammadinna Manio was busy attending to the new comers from Singapore.  But Dhammadinna Maniyo saw me and said she had time to spare for me.

I   meditated and absorbed into four Jhana as I would climb a stair of four steps, first absorbed in to first jhana, then went to the second, then to the third and then to the fourth.  Having come out of jhana in descending order   I came back to the kuti and slept a short while. Thereafter, I got up and washed my clothes.

Early in the morning or in the nights I some times meditate seated on a flat slab of stone between the kuti and the Bo tree. Today I saw the place dirtied by a herd of roaming cattle dropping dung and urinating all over the slab. 

It is as if some unseen hand is disrupting our attempts at meditation.  There was first Cyril Aiya beaten by a man appearing in a vision while meditating. Then again it was Cyril aiya’s leg that caused him pain, which I compressed and bandaged. Then the thunder that frightened me and the corridor outside the kuty where I sit to meditate was dirtied by a stray dog. And to top it all to-day the stone slab on which I sit to meditate has been dirtied by cattle.

Cyril Aiya helped me to clean the slab.  After that he made some tea and we sat and sipped it slowly in silence. 

Loku Hamuduruwo is pleased with my meditation.  He says it is a pity that I cannot stay a little longer.  I spoke to him about the location of the Meditation Centre, apparently a place of archaeological interest.  There are peculiar marks on the rock faces around the Kuti. 

I told him about all those inconveniences we had to face.  He laughed it off.  He said the place is perhaps an abode of unholy spirits but they cannot harm any one. Those words comforted me.

I went to the main hall to meditate.  I was not quite successful in staying long.  I was feeling depressive.  To-wards the end of the Wata Ceremony I attained Samadhi. 

After Wata which was followed by meditation on the loathsomeness of the body and the contemplation on loving kindness I returned to the Kuti.  I tried to sleep.  But I could not sleep being too “depressive”.  It was more a case of conflicting thoughts which I was unable to calm down. It must be something distantly related to nibbida nana in insight meditation (vipassana) which is: disenchantment; aversion; disgust; or weariness.

7 May, 1997

Got up at 3 a.m.  Got ready and meditated.  I was feeling more calm and comfortable. To-day’s Dana is by a Nanayakkara.  They served Kenda-the porridge with Juggery.  I liked it (that thought is a defilement of the mind) 

After breakfast I did a shower, changed into new clothes and went to the Hall to meditate, on my way I met Visakha Manio. She called me and gave me Kamatahan for Vipassana.  I meditated at the Independence Hall for two hours, and then half an hour at the Bodhi Tree. 

It is a very warm day.  It did not rain yesterday, but it looks as if it may rain to-day.  Loku Hamuduruwo has a fever.  I told him I am doing Vipassana Meditation.  He did not say any thing.  After Wata it rained. I accompanied Loku Hamuduruwo to his Kuti. I left him and went back to meditate in the Kuti. It was disappointing. I went to sleep.

At the beginning of Vipassana, be mindful of cause and effect. When seated be aware of the mind and body, and watch the thoughts as they rise and fall away in the mind.  See also the presence, or the absence of Nivarana –the hindrances.

8 May, 1997

Got up at 3 a.m. Meditated.  I was listless.  I could not get into the meditative state.  Went to Wata in the Hall.  I could not concentrate.  After breakfast, bathed, dressed and went to Dhammadinna Maniyo for Kamatahan.   

I did the Kayanupassana Bhavana and the contemplation of loving kindness.  My mind was in deep concentration.  I absorbed the mind into the four Jhanas.  I came out of Jhana absorptions, then out of Samadhi and started Vipassana Bhavana. A meditator starts Vipassana Bhavana without a concentrated mind (without Samadhi) 

I started Vipassana meditation, and in a short while there was a sudden change taking place.  I had been told that when one sits for Vipassana, as the meditation develops there is a noticeable “upward rising”, and what this “rising” is I was unable to understand. 

Now I see what is “upward rising”, but it is difficult to explain.  It may be the force of mental energy trying to escape from its prison- the “physical cage”. 

In meditation the eyes are kept closed, nevertheless the meditator is wide awake.  He is not in a “dream state”, because he is conscious of what is taking place. This “rising force” cannot be conceptualised, there is no colour, no darkness, no brightness, no feeling, but a continuous rising from every where around the place the meditator is seated, from the whole place. It is an endless rising at a great pace soaring upwards.

I cannot stop it… I cannot even try to stop it……and suddenly I feel something going into my nostril and that takes me away from the phenomenal rising…. A fly….. a stupid fly that got into my nostril.  I was annoyed, why had that fly got to get inside my nose right at that time?  

I thought of all the obstacles we had to go through from the day we started our retreat!

I went to Dhammadinna Manio and related to her what happened.  She said that next time I get it I should go on as long as it lasts, or if  I want to terminate it for what ever reason make a wish to  come out of  Samadhi.  This state had lasted one hour from 9 a.m to 10 a.m. That is Vipassana Jhana absorption but different from what it is in Samatha Bhavana (meditation of quietude). 

In the afternoon, I sat for my meditation going through the same procedure I followed during the morning session. I become aware that the same mental experience of that morning is being repeated once again in the same manner, it seems to me that I was protectively covered in a sort of a tent, the centre pole of which - a beam of light…. which began in a mist under me soared upwards and disappeared in to a blue mist above, and the whole phenomenon stopped gradually by itself.  I was breathing normally and became aware of my surrounding. I placed my hands together in a prayer and wished several times that I come out of Samadhi.

I got up and went thoughtfully back to the Kuti. I knew that some thing extraordinary took place within my mind.  It was neither a fantastic dream nor my imagination.  I could not understand what it was that happened. Therefore I thought it is better that I keep that experience to myself. I did not relate what happened to Cyril Aiya, nor did I want to relate it to any one. Who can believe that such a thing could happen, unless perhaps it is some one who meditates and had similar experiences?

In the evening we came for our tea and we met Dhammadinna Manio.  We sat with her outside the Main Hall.  She asked me to tell her in detail every thing that took place at the second sitting that afternoon.

Much as I had determined not to relate my experience I had to give in to my meditation teacher.  Therefore I related to Dhammadinna Manio as much as my words permitted all what happened in detail.  She laughed.  I could not understand her.  I asked why she laughed.  She said that I have reached a certain higher mental state. 

She asked me to sit again  for meditation with the resolution, “ if I have reached a higher mental state, may what happened at the afternoon meditation session  repeat itself once again “.

That was at about 7.30 in the evening.  I took Cyril Aiya to the Kuti and came back to the main hall and meditated with the resolution I was asked to make.  But I sat long but there was nothing happening.  I interrupted my meditation and saw Manio and told her that nothing happened during my meditation despite the resolution.  She told me that I may be tired and that I should have a good nights sleep and try it the following day. 

I went back to the kuti, washed and tried to sleep.  Cyril Aiya was sleeping.  I was recollecting my experience of the day.  My meditation I was sure had been fruitful and I felt light hearted.  Lights were put out and I closed my eyes to sleep.  Through my closed eyelids I could see that the light was on in the room.  But I remembered having switched off the light before coming to sleep. I remembered it well. 

I opened my eyes.  The room was bathed in a dim green light.  I was amazed and called Cyril Aiya and asked him to wake up.  He saw the light, and both of us looked up at the ceiling.  Then we saw that a good number of fire flies had taken refuge in our Kuty this night. We covered ourselves and turned over to have a good nights sleep.

9 May, 1997

I was up at 2.30 a.m. Meditated and came down to have the morning porridge at 4.15 a.m. 

We had Wata Ceremony and thereafter electricity was cut off.  We could not play the cassette for the morning Bhavana.   I told my brother that I was going to meditate and that if I had  not  come out of meditation  before lunch not to wake me up  as I am determined  to continue meditation undisturbed. 

I started my meditation with the resolution that if my mind has attained a higher state of purity may the mental experience I had the previous day be repeated.  I did not have to stay long.  I could feel a tightening around my forehead and back at intervals.  I feel as if the top of my head had opened. There were tiny blue lights at the corner of each of my eyes. 

I could see three dimensional squares, and rectangular shapes and then a sudden burst of rising from the top of my head which seemed as it had opened and from some where around my waist.  It was bathed in a yellowish orange colour, the rising stopped at intervals leaving me in a calm blue landscape stretching far into a misty space right around.  It was a vision where I could see around and under as in a 360 degree view, where I did not feel the ground.  The landscape changed into a yellowish orange. Then again there was this rising at a great speed before it stopped again in a blue sea or landscape. There were no trees but intensely blue shapes of rocks like objects. There was no water, but it was calm and very comforting. 

This alternate rising and settling into blue sea or landscapes went on for a long while until all moments subsided and there was a misty blue space around me and a beam of yellow light rose from right below me to end up in the grey mist far above.    My head the top of which seemed open at the beginning was covered with a sort of a shroud, instead of a tent like shape I had the day before.  The sea or landscape was changing into a beautiful dark blue and I almost felt the blowing of a fresh cold breeze. Now as from nowhere, I heard the voice of Venerable Dhammadinna Maniyo asking me to come out of the meditation session.

I was awakened. During the whole period I did not feel my physical presence- the body as such, but at a point  just before I was awakened, I felt  an intense pain  in my leg and I adjusted it.  I got up.  I went down on my knees before Dhammadinna Manio to respectfully salute her. Then taking leave from her, I went to the Kuti.

When my brother-Cyril Aiya had come back to see me after lunch he had seen me still seated motionless in the meditation posture, he had gone back to Dhammadinna Manio and informed her. The Manio had come immediately with lighted sticks of incense and asked me to come out of Samadhi.

Cyril Aiya had brought my lunch along with him to the Kuti.  I was not hungry.  I was feeling lightness both in body and mind.  Nevertheless, I took my lunch.  Then I saw Loku Hamuduruwo coming towards our Kuti.  I went inside to prepare a seat for him.  He called back to say that he merely came to see whether I was still in meditation.  I spoke to him and he asked me to go to the Bo tree and meditate there and ask for the repetition of the experience for 15 minutes.

It is said that a meditator who attains deep Samadhi without having set a timeframe may loose the mind in space (asanna talaya).  If that happens it is said to be difficult to bring the mind back, and special protective stanzas have to be read out for him to “come out of the State of Samadhi”.  That was why the Loku Hamuduruwo came to see whether I was still in Samadhi or out of it.

I rested, bathed and changed.  I went to the Bo-tree and meditated with the resolution that I get back the morning experience once again for 15 minutes.  I did not have to wait long.  The same experience was repeated once again and shortly after I went to Dhammadinna Maniya and told her all about it.  She was pleased

In the evening I meditated a while at the main Hall.  The Wata Ceremony was held at the vihara maluwa (the shrine room).  There was lot of people present.  Loku Hamuduruwo was having a fever.  He went to rest and the contemplation of loving kindness was conducted by Khema Manio.  After Wata I went to Loku Hamuduruwo. He is not well.  Leaving him to rest I went to the Main Hall-the Shrine Room, and met Dhammadinna Maniyo and went on talking with her till it was half past eight in the night.  I went back to the Kuti and slept.

10 May, 1997 

There was an examination.  Yesterday Loku Hamuduruwo said that there is going to be an examination for which every one who participated in the retreat should present themselves.  Those who do not turn up will be excluded from participation in any future activities of the Centre.  That was a strict order. Though I did not like the idea of an examination I had to abide by Loku Hamuduruwo’s very strict demand of every one’s presence for the Examination.  I think during the time of the Buddha there were no examinations but those monks who attained a noble state may have made a discourse.

I presented myself before the Subhodha Maniyo-the examiner. Loku Hamuduruvo was present.  It was like a Sunday school Examination.  Subhodha Maniyo asked me what the law of cause and effect is.  I explained and she asked me to give an example.  She was not satisfied with the example.  I failed.

After lunch we went round saying goodbye to every one.  Loku Hamuduruwo left to Pothuhera.

At 1 .30 p.m we left the Pallekelle Devenapetis Samatha Vipassana Meditation Centre.

* * * * *

This is the end of my narration of “A Journey in search of Inner Silence.”  It was perhaps long in which the reader may have noticed my constant deviations in the search of the object which I sought to find – the Inner Silence. Finally in the long Journey I had taken I may perhaps have understood where to find the Inner Silence as reaching the Inner silence as I now understand it demands further effort.

In recounting my personal life which is the baggage that I carried in my Journey, I wanted to show that despite the uncertainties of a lay life, spiritual pursuits are not impossibilities which cannot be accommodated with the responsibilities of a layman’s life.

This Journey In Search of Inner Silence happened to be in fact a search for a spiritual meaning to life.  The life is encumbered with noises of every sort which causes psychological problems as well as physical problems.  The inner silence provides a means to solve not only psychological problems but also physical problems as one may have noticed in the narration.

A meditator, who sets out to look for inner silence in meditation with physical problems, may overcome physical problems not necessarily in discovering the “inner silence”, but in the attempt to do so.  

In the final stages of my search for the Inner Silence whether I discovered it or not is not what is important, but it is the attempt to do so. In reality the Inner Silence is not easily attainable, for in a Buddhist sense the complete Inner Silence is Nibbana which is an attainable goal which should be the aim of every one of us.

The meditation experiences are rarely discussed openly, as it is not possible for some one uninitiated in Buddhist Meditation to grasp the possibility of such achievements.  Describing a meditation experience is made still more difficult as the conceptual meanings of words we use in everyday life are inadequate to create in the minds of listeners a mental imagery of a meditation   experience.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Enlightenment is the result OF A deeper    SEARch for an Inner Silence.

In the vicinity of the fig tree (ficus religiosa), on the bank of the river Neranjara, in Gaya, under which the Buddha had the insights leading to his enlightenment he enjoyed the bliss of Nibbana for 49 days.

Then he reflected on what he had to do next. He had lived many spans of life terms to perfect his mind, which has now blossomed forth into Enlightenment. It is now left for him to proclaim this great truth he discovered-the truth of suffering and the factors leading to its elimination.  But will the multitudes of people submerged in ignorance grasp the meaning of it? How could it be made plain enough for them to understand?

In this uncertainty the Buddha hesitated, nevertheless, he decided to teach knowing that some at least will benefit from it and follow the path to Nibbana and to the freedom from   suffering. After considering a few to whom he wanted to disclose the Dhamma he had discovered, the  Buddha remembered his five fellow ascetics who left  him when he had decided to follow a middle path between austerity and  indulgence  in his spiritual search. They were, he thought the most suitable to receive the gift of Dhamma.  He left Gaya and met them at the deer park at Isipatana, in Varanasi.  There, on a full moon day in the month of July, in that distant past, the Buddha made his first sermon to the five ascetics which was the turning of the wheel of Dhamma- Dhammacakkapavattana Sutta, the beginning of 45 years of his ministration, teaching, instructing and allowing many to benefit from his teachings to reach freedom from the bonds of Samsara.

A question which is not often asked is why did the Buddha at first hesitated teaching what he discovered? What exactly did he think was perhaps beyond the understanding of the people, wallowing in attachment, aversion, and delusion, and “what” did he finally decided to teach? No one had dared ask the Buddha himself. 

The commentaries too do not shed any light. Except that in the Wana Sutta the Buddha takes his disciples to a nearby forest. He took a handful of leaves from the ground and asked them what were more the leaves in his hand or the leaves in the forest.  The monks replied that the leaves in the forest were more.  The Buddha then said, monks all that I have taught is as much as the leaves in my hand and what I have not taught is as much as the leaves in the forest. In that there is perhaps a clue to his initial hesitation to teach all what he had discovered, and finally decided teach what he thought was essential.

On that full moon night seated under the fig tree in deep meditation the Ascetic Siddhartha had several insights, first, the insight into recollection of past lives, and then the insight into continuous death and birth of all beings according to their accumulated Kamma, and finally the insight into mental processes which heralded the perfect understanding of the reality of suffering. The mind in its clarity liberated itself from sense pleasures, attachment to becoming, and ignorance and was elevated to the sublime state of enlightenment. He became the enlightened one-the Samma Sam Buddha.

These facts as described in the discourses of the Buddha are not beyond one's faculty of understanding within the context of one's knowledge.  But to understand the enlightenment process as it unfolded in that great mind, we should have the mental capacity commensurate to such an exploit.  It is only a mind equal to that of a Buddha that can understand the mind of a Buddha.  Therefore however much the enlightenment process is explained in the words of common use, the depth and vastness it implies is impossible to conceive. 

Therefore the Buddha instead of explaining the stimulation of the mental process that lead to his enlightenment, showed the path to follow, so that one would see for oneself the possibility of the tremendous transformation of the mental force through a similar experience.

This initial hesitation of the Buddha to teach his unique discovery which in itself is very significant was not explored until the Buddha’s teachings left the shore of India and reached the Chinese soil.

According to the historians of the Zen Buddhism, the Buddha’s teaching which was transmitted to Venerable Mahakassypa was brought to China in 520 CE by Venerable Bodhi Dharma.  The teachings evolved in the Chinese soil, shedding its Indian character. It was that which branched off as Zen Buddhism to Japan.

Zen Buddhism searched the core of the teachings shedding its outer “shell”.

The  Zen masters  paid more attention to  Buddha’s enlightenment process, which was for them the  most relevant aspect of  the Buddha’s achievement, the  teachings being the  outer shell - the analytical study of which takes the attention away from the  more important  ‘process of  enlightenment’.  Therefore, they concentrated on meditation as a means to discover the most significant feature of the Buddha’s   phenomenal achievement. They called it the “looking into the inner nature”.

No other Buddhist tradition has laid such importance for this particular, “inner search”, not even the Theravada tradition.  D.T.Suzuki a great exponent of the Zen Buddhism in the West had said that one cannot look for gold without knowing what gold is, therefore a Buddhist meditator should perhaps have a good grounding of the Buddha’s teachings, before he settles down to go through a mental training leading to a process similar to that the Buddha himself went through in his enlightenment.  However that"grounding"of the teachings which is only intellectual should not be made a distraction to the ultimate object of purification of the mind to reach the goal of Nibbana.

The great in-depth search of the Zen Patriachs, into the Buddha’s teaching to seize the underlying message to get directly to the clue of enlightenment as if it were, emphasizes the importance of Meditation.  On the other hand a careful examination of the discourses would show that they were all only a direction towards meditation the only way to Nibbana.   

The Buddha saw suffering through illness, old age and death, and asked “why there is suffering?”, and desired to search for the cause of this suffering, and a way out of it. He knew that there is an end to suffering, and the clue to understand it was as the Zen patriarchs put it, to look into the “true nature of the mind” through meditation. No amount of intense intellectual search, discussion, debate, sermons, discourses, and reading will bring us even near to the freedom from suffering which is Nibbana.

Inner Silence in reality is the silent mind.  A silent mind is a mind without thoughts, without conflict, a smooth, calm, serenity, and a mind with an undisturbed silence. Looking inside is looking into the mind, both when it is disturbed to be aware of the disturbance and when silent to be aware of that deep silence.

That is where a meditator's Journey In Search of Inner Silence ends.

 The End -

FOOT NOTES

Note No.	Note
1	Le Bruit-Jean-Pascal Ciattoni-Edition Privat 1997
2	A Child Is Born by Lennart Nilsson 1977 Dell Publishing Co.Ltd.
3	Le Bruit of Jean-Pascal Ciattoni Edition Privat
4	Dr. Jean-Louis Etienne-in the preface to Le Bruit –J-P Ciattoni-Edition Privat
5	Path  to Deliverance by D.W.Edirisooriya United Merchants ltd. Colombo, Sri Lanka
6	The Buddha’s Ancient Path by Thera Piyadassi- BPS, Kandy, Sri Lanka
7	Quoted from Arya Ratnakuta Suttra in The Heart of Buddhist Meditation by Nynaponika Thera-BPS,Kandy Sri Lanka
8	The Experience of Insight by Joseph Goldstein-BPS,Kandy, Sri Lanka
9	The Buddha's Ancient Path  by Thera Piyadassi Buddhist Publication Society, Kandy, Sri Lanka
10	By Dr.Raymond A.Moody, Jr, Life after Life, Reflections of Life after Life, Bantam/Mockingbird books.  1975, Amazon.com for e-book
11	By Dr.George G.Richie,  with Elizabeth Sherrill ,  Return from Tomorrow , Published by Bantam/Mockingbird Books 1978, Amazon.com Kindle Edition
12	By Dr. Pim van Lommel, Consciousness Beyond Life, The Science of the Near Death Experience, published by Harper Collins ebooks, Amazon.com  Kindle Edition
13	Every Buddhist lay devotee is expected to observe  five precepts : abstain from killing or destruction of life, abstain from appropriating for ones own use that which belong s to another, abstain from telling untruth, abstain  from committing adultery, abstaining from alcoholic drinks or use of  other intoxicants or drugs:  Besides this lay devotees on  special days  observe the  8 precepts which  is the  five precepts of a lay-devotee plus to: abstain from taking  food after midday,  abstain from dancing ,singing, playing music, shows, using  perfume and wearing garlands, refrain from using high luxurious seats, beds and beddings.
14	Upasaka is a  Male lay devotee who observe the eight precepts, Upasika is female devotee observing the eight precepts
15	Upasaka is a  Male lay devotee who observe the eight precepts, Upasika is female devotee observing the eight precepts
16	The Buddha and his Teachings, by Narada, Buddhist Missionary Society, Malaysia 1988
17	Sanskrit and Pali were ancient Indian Languages.  Sanskrit is the root language of  both Pali and Sinhala.Pali was the Language in  which Buddha made his discourses
18	Upasampada ceremonies are the higher ordination of  Samaneras (acolytes)
19	Sambol is a poor man’s dish of grated coconut mixed with  sliced red onions, salt and ground chilly powder to accompany rice
21	Lincoln’s Inn- In 1234 Henry III  prohibited Institutions of Legal Education in the City of London. The common lawyers migrated to hamlet of Holborn. The Third Earl of Lincoln encouraged Lawyers to move to Holborn. After the Earl’s death Lincoln’s Inn became a formally organised Inn of Court. (Wikipedia)
22	Ceylon was the name given by the British to the present Sri Lanka when it was colonised by the British in 1815.  In ancient times, Sri Lanka was  known by a variety of names :  Taprobane by the Greeks, Serendib by the Arabs,  Ceilão by the Portughese. The ancient natives called it Lanka or Sri Lanka.  The official name  of the country-Ceylon was changed in 1978 to:  Democratic Socialist Republic of Sri Lanka.
23	The Heart of Buddhist Meditation by  Nynaponika Thera-BPS, Kandy, Sri Lanka
24	A Taste of Freedom by Ven Ajahn Chah, The Wheel Publication No.357/359  Buddhist Publication Society, Kandy
25	In This Very Life,The liberation Teachings of the Buddha- Sayadaw U Pandita-Buddhist Publication Society, Kandy.
26	The Heart of Buddhist Meditation by Nynaponika Thera, BPS, Kandy

 

Bibliography

In writing  this book reference has been made to the following books:

1.       Le Bruit by Jean-Pascal Ciattoni - Edition Privat 1997

2.       A Child is Born by Lennart Nilsson- Dell Publishing Co. Ltd 1977

3.       Path to Deliverance by D.W.Edirisooriya-United Merchants Ltd  Colombo Sri Lanka

4.       The Buddha’s Ancient Path by Thera Piyadassi, BPS Kandy, Sri Lanka

5        The Heart of Buddhist Meditation by Nyanaponika         Thero,   BPS Kandy, Sri Lanka

6.       The Experience of Insight by Joseph Goldstein, BPS, Kandy

7.       Reflections of Life after Life, by Dr.Raymond A.Moody Jr.,  Bantam Mockingbird  Books 1975

8.       Return from Tomorrow by Dr. George Richie with Elizabeth Sherrill,Bantam Mockingbird Book 1978

9.       Consciousness beyond Life –The Science of Near Death Experience, by Dr.Pim van Lommel, Harper Collins

10.    The Buddha and his Teachings by Narada, Buddhist Missionary Society  of Malaysia,1988

11.    A Taste of Freedom by Ven. Ajahn Chah, The Wheel Publications Nos.357/359, BPS, Kandy, Sri Lanka

12.    In this Very Life-The Liberation Teachings of the Buddha by Sayadaw U Pandita, BPS, Kandy, Sri Lanka

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